Oh, my dearest sunshine and
May all the blinds see you from darkness
Spread thy light; touch those little hopeless hearts..
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters,businesses,places,events, and incidents are either the pruducts of author's imaginations or use in fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
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Frigid like ice, I stood there for I could not remember how long it was. It just felt yesterday but the pain that has built for many years in my heart is still there. I don't know how I will (at least)be able to take this heavy stuff away from my heart. Though my days are good- Yeah. However, mostly I feel shitty in my head.
I bet nobody can fathom how it must feel like.
"The Battle between Life and Death" is more likely what I call it.
..being alone, drowning in a vast ocean.
..drifting lifeless in a vacuum of space.
..walking through an endless hallway.
..being immobile during sleep paralysis.
..getting out from bed without having a purpose,
and waking up in the morning but wanting to sleep back again.
Things begin to lose its meaning.
Colors are fading.
Everything seems so black and grey.
Blurry than my vision.
Death becomes more inviting.
Now, seeing blood rushing and getting a shot are oddly satisfying.
This is all my mistake.
I guess I deserve this.
I DESERVE NOT TO BE HAPPY.
Are there antidotes? Perhaps medication to take?
I want to be okay.
I thought if I would keep myself busy, I would be normal again like I used to. If I do something productive, things may change.
But. . .
Nothing happened. Not a single mood stabilizer my doctor had given me many years ago. To put it simply, meds don't work. I'm starting to think hospitals are doing fine in business. Please don't' hate me.
I'm paranoid because my heart dominates my body, my mind and... all - the fact that I have no control over it, it goes me away.
Like river flows...
Like feather flying in the air...
Unfortunately, I can't do anything about it.
Nobody can. Unless, if you think dying is the only option.
I get these a lot from people,
"GROW UP, MAN" or "YOU SEEM OKAY" and worst among all,
"IT'S JUST IN YOUR HEAD."
Capital W-H-A-T T-H-E F-U-C-K
Pss. Easy to say.
"How are you?"
I hate it most when being asked this question. Like, I have to lie again and again,
"Things are great. Thanks for asking."
The only thing I look for to it is easier to provide answers than to let others sympathize you when you try to be honest on how you truly feel. Besides, I just overthink and feel obligated to answer the question 'why am I not'. As much as possible I try not to disappoint myself from getting hurt as people are not listening to my rants after wasting a spoonful of saliva for answering a question why I'm really not...'Okay'.
Like I said, I'm the problem here.
Have you ever tried to vent out to someone but you just get pissed off cause' they would just give you pieces of advices when all you really need is an attentive ear and maybe a warm hug?
Or you want to switch ourselves for a week so you can find out to yourself how 101 times luckier you are? And oh, please stop saying to me "You got a roof over your head, a nice clothes to wear and a warm bed to sleep on."
It saddens me how most of you think I'm much luckier than those around me. At first, nobody knows what I'm really going through! Period-do.!!
If I could only go back in time. I wish⎼
Lost in my thoughts, I look around to see who is coming.
"You know we can't be late, right? Hop in!"
A black Montero was parked on the side of the road. A young man in his mid-20 came out looking very attractive on his shirt. His sunglasses match the color to his ride.
Keeping out of sight, I wiped my tears away and took a deep breath.
"Two minutes!" I yell. My mind finally went back to reality. I hate it. I feel the need to spit out all the woes in my heart. But neither a word comes out.
I stood there while staring at the two gravestones that had been sitting there for years.
The skies went all grey which surely heavy storm is coming. The entire place is calm and...dull. It's wide but empty. I can sense a lot of grieving and weeping had taken in this place. I put my knees and tried to sweep away those withered flowers across the gravestones. The scattered flowers and leaves were as dry as bone. The wind started to blow. It was cold as her body on my lap but eyes were closed and the heart had stopped from beating. I felt a little numbness in my head. I began hearing a hollow sound in my chest. Homesickness crept through my veins.
I looked up the sky once again. The sun is slowly going down -seems like hiding itself from the horizon. At last, the moon is showing up to reign all-night with his stars.
But. . .
Could the sun just stay out there so I won't have to see the moon and remember how desolate and gloomy the paths I've taken since she left me?
Please come back home, girl.
I miss you so much. . .
Спасибо за чтение!
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