·— Autumn leaves —·
“—I loved you, ever since I first met you.”
Was the first thought that my mind crossed upon when thinking about you. But I never said anything to you, for I know, that it's something that only I would know.
It was July thirty-first of 2011. First semester of my Senior High School life, and I honestly never expected anything exciting because my friends from junior high school transferred to an another school or went abroad. I was just walking my way to my room when I suddenly dropped my book at the hallway that leads to the stairway to my classroom.
“Oh crap, I dropped my boo—”
“Here! this is yours, right?” You smiled at— me so brightly that it pierced right through my heart.
“Uhhh.. yeah.. it's mine. Thank you..” I replied to her as she reaches the book for me.
“Mika.” She said.
“Huh?” I replied in confusion.
“Mika. My name's Mika, Mika Yoshikawa. What's your name?” She asked me in a very positive and soft tone.
“Leo.. Leo Satoru.” I replied to her.
“It's nice to meet you, Leo!” She said to me with a bright smile once more but with a more positive and soft tone.
I knew at that instance, I fell for her. She was the bright sunshine at my cloudy skies.
“Well, I gotta go now. I have some stuff to do! See you around, Leo!” She said to me and waves goodbye as she ran away.
My heart was pounding real fast and hard, as if my chest is getting filled with warmth and soft joy. I just smiled and continued walking to go to my designated room.
As time goes by, I can't really get her off my mind. Though I'm trying hard to just ignore these stupid feelings I have because I knew what this will lead to.
“But damn, she's beautiful.. and a nice person..” I muttered in a low voice..
“Huh? what was that Mr. Satoru?” My teacher said to me as he heard what I said.
Then the whole class, looked at me. I was in a middle of class discussion when I said that.
“What the hell am I saying?! You're in the middle of your class, Leo! Get a grip of yourself!” I said in my mind.
“Oh.. nothing sir.. I'm really sorry for interrupting.” I replied to my teacher as I scratch my head in embarrassment with an awkward smile.
“Well then, let go back to the topic. So the former preside—” Then the voice of my teacher just fades away as I think once more of that bright smile that swayed my heart away like it was a leaf blown by a wind in the middle of autumn.
— September 17, 2011 —
It's just 9:00am in the morning and everything looks lively, for it is the school festival! Everyone is excited and are preparing for the events that will took place at the school grounds.
“You gonna play for the music competition? Are you sure about that?” My friend said to me when I told him about that I'm going to perform on the school festival's 'battle of the bands'
“Yeah, I'm pretty much sure now. besides, I already passed the form required to join the competition.” I said to him.
“That's so cool, Leo! I'll be watching! Make sure you give your best, alright!”He replied to me.
“Yeah, I will! Oh yeah, Shiro. I'll catch up with you later, I forgot that I have something to do. I gotta go now!” I waved at him and ran.
“Yeah, sure! good luck!” He said to me whilst I was running.
And as I was going through the hallway once more, I saw her with her other friends. and I got stunned for a while because of just of beautiful she is.
And her friends noticed that I was looking at her. Her friends gave her a hint that I was staring at her. and when she saw me, she just smiled again. that same very smile that took my heart and they continued walking.
“You know him?” Said by one of her friends.
“Yeah, sort of.” She replied to them.
Then I continue my way to where I was going.. then again, her smile flashed back on my mind.. and I blushed red at the thought of her. I knew, I was certain, that all this time, I like her. but how can I still believe in love after what happened?
I got rejected twice, I got cheated on, I was abused, and used for their own needs. How am I still vulnerable to this feeling?
I hit my two cheeks lightly as I say
“Keep your composure, you still have a competition to go!” just to keep my confidence high as much as I can.
Then time passed, the event was composed of games, art gallery exhibition, music competition and so much more. The games are the first one to occur on the event's list as I saw on the school news board..
“Run and dash relay goes first at the games huh.. I guess it won't hurt to watch one of those just to get a little breather before the competition.” I said to myself.
So I head to the school field where the games are just getting started.
“Hmm, doesn't look really special to me.. but there sure are many people here to watch..”
“Let's see if we have someone we knew at the race— SHIRO?!” I shouted because of shock that I saw my friend actually joined the relay race..
And then Shiro noticed that I saw him at the distance and just smile and waved at me.
“This idiot.. he never told me that he'd join.. well, I guess it's entertaining enough 'cuz he's he—” then I suddenly saw her. Yes. Her. Mika. She was there on the relay race track. she was one of the female contenders. I was stunned again once more by just how gorgeous she looks on her P.E uniform.
“She's really pretty...” I muttered to myself.
As the gun fires that marks the start of the race, she ran. She ran so fast the she left her competitors in the dust and I was astonished by how incredibly athletic she is.
And before I knew it, I was rooting and cheering for her.
“You seem to know someone here, Leo.” Said by someone at my back.
“Hmm? Ah Shiro!” I replied to him.
“You already done at the race?” I asked him.
“Yeah, it's been quite a while now but I can't just bother you while seeing you cheer for someone at the Girls Division on Relay Race” he said to me.
“Huh?! That's not it!” I replied while being flustered in embarrassment.
“Nothing! Come with me, help me prepare for the competition!” I asked him in an rising tone.
“Yeah... sure..” he replied.
Though I know that he knew that I was lying.
— In the middle of preparation for the competition, at the school stadium. —
While I was fixing the cables of the guitar amps and plugs, someone talked at me.
“Hey Leo, need a hand?” I heard from someone behind me.
“Uhh, yeah. su—”
It was Mika.
“Sure...” I said from utter shock once more.
Then she helped me fix the amps, cables, plugs, and tested them without any facing difficulties.
“What happened to your hands? Why does it have a bandage on?” she asked.
“You should've called me so I could help you a little earlier.” She said to me.
“Well, I don't have your phone number details though.. If I could, I would..” I said to her.
“Oh yeah.. right.. sorry for running away that time. I needed to pass my registration form quickly or I might not be able to join them...” She explained to me.
“registration? You joined a club?” I asked her.
“Noooo, it's for Student Council. I applied to be their peacekeeping officer because they're in need of one.” She replied.
“You're amazing..” I said to her out of admiration.
“Huh? I didn't hear you quite clearly..” She said to me.
“Uhh, no.. it's nothing..” I replied to her.
“Well, it's just because I have free time in my hands, I decided I could help out other people too.” She said to me in a positive tone.
“So, there ya go! All fixed and prepared for later.” She said to me after helping me sort out everything else for the event.
“It's a really huge help, yoshikawa-san..” I said to her in a soft tone.
“It's Mika. You can call me by my first name.” She replied.
“Well then.. Mika..”
“That's better.” She said.
“Oh yeah, I almost forgot again. Let's exchange phone number and details” She said to me.
“Are you sure?” I said.
“Yeah, you don't want to?” She replied.
“That's not it.. but here..”
Then I gave her my phone number and email details.
“There ya go! I got it. Well, I gotta go for now Leo, mail me when you need help or something comes up!” She said to me while walking towards the building leading to the student council's room.
“Oh yeah, want to—” then I saw her already talking to her one of her friends so I didn't bother anymore.
I was supposed to invite her to our music performance on the competition. But I guess I'll just mail her instead..
— 30 minutes later —
The competition has started, and my band is on the last number of performers, just how much pressure was put on our shoulders right now..
"You got a message"
(S= Shiro | L=Leo)
S: “Yo you ready now?”
L: “Kinda nervous, actually”
S: “Good Luck bud!! I'm rooting for you!”
L: “Thank you, how's on your end?”
S: “Fine and all, btw I'll be watching the performance, make sure you give it your all!”
Then I heard the MC's of the event announce that our band is playing next because the band that are supposed to play next encountered technical difficulties and will be delayed. So our band will be playing next.
L: “Aye bud, we'll be playing next. the other band got delayed.”
S: “For real? I'm excited!! Good luck!”
Then I shut off the screen of my smartphone to start warming up for 5mins.
“The next band will play in the next 5mins. Performers, please be ready for no further delays. thank you.” -MC's
“What? Already? It's just been 10mins.. aren't they rushing a bit?” I said to my band mate.
“Well yeah, I suppose. There are a lot of people watching, that's why they don't want any delays I guess..” Said by my band mate (which is the drummer)
“Oh yeh, I gotta invite Mika.” I said to myself.
*Phone's not turning on*
“My phone ran out of battery?” I said to myself.
“Why does it have to be now of all times? I badly want to invite her though..” I said in a frustrated tone.
“Ladies and gentlemen, Today, presenting you, The Grey Wolves” Said by the MC's, marking that our band will play right now.
Then the curtains started slowly pulling up.
“Aye Leo, you good?” The drummer asked
“Yeah, I'm fine.” I replied.
Then the curtains slowly opened to the crowd, and lights were unto us.
The drummer marked the start of the song and everything was put into place. I have no time to think about my frustrations so I just vented it all out on singing. Singing every lines and words with pure passion and emotions, just like what I felt when I first saw her smile..
then I smiled while singing on reflex of remembering her, then Shiro noticed that even on a distance.
“He's having fun, that's great.” Said by Shiro while watching us perform.
Then as we finish performing, the crowd applauded on us, on respects of playing greatly and synchronizing with every band members. And as the event was finished, the crowd started leaving the stadium, but one person was still standing..
“M-mika?” I'm shocked from what I saw. I never expected her to come, but still, she came.
“That was a great performance, you know? I really had a blast!” She was smiling while saying those words to me.
I just sighed out of relief, it's gonna be a total waste if she didn't watched it.
“I was about to invite you, but my phone ran out of battery. Sorry for not telling you earlier.” I said to her in a sincere tone.
“No, it's fine Leo.” She gave me that bright smile once more, I just can't resist it anymore.
“Say mika, do you have plans tomorrow?” I asked her.
“Not really, why?”
“Can we meet later at the school field?” I asked her.
“Uhh, yeah. sure! 5:00pm will be fine!” She said to me.
“Okay, got it! 5:00pm!” I replied to her in a positive tone.
I have decided. I'm going to confess to her. I can't take anymore of those warm, bright smiles. I'm ready for anything, even if it's a rejection. It's fine. I'll face it.
— 4:50pm —
I came really early, but why do I have to? Don't ask me, I just feel like I have to. You can say that I'm a bit excited too.
But man, this is it. this is the time. I'm prepared for this time
— 5:30pm —
“She's late.. maybe something came up?” I silently muttered to myself.
“but she would leave a mail if so.”
Then the air just filled the silence that swept across the school fields.
— 6:30pm —
*Pressing my phone to power up*
*Phone dings, phone running on*
[Screen shows 6:30pm]
"You got a message"
*Opens the message*
“Aye yo bud, where you at? I came by at your place and no one was there, want to hang out?”
It's a message from Shiro, but I don't get any emails from Mika either...
“What happened.. I guess.. I'll try to wait a little more.”
— 7:30pm —
It's already 7:30pm I should've known. I kind of expected that this is gonna happen.. but still, at the very least, I know now. I got dumped.
“Maybe it's really time to give up believing on love, it's just a waste of time.” I slowly sighed as I muttered those words.
“I give up, I don't believe in love.”
Then I left the school fields, and went straight to a convenience store. I mean, I'm a little bit hungry waiting for nothing. But hey, at least I tried though.
— November 30, 2011 —
“Well, It's been a while since we talked.. did something happen?”
It's been months since I last saw her, and i also forgot to ask where her class was. It's really unfortunate that I can't be friends with her either. I guess I'll try looking for something to eat, it's lunch time anyways.
As i walked the hallway, going to the cafeteria to buy some food for lunch, I saw one of her friends alone at the queue, so I took the chance to ask her about Mika.
I slowly approached her in a calm manner.
“uhm, excuse me?” I said to her.
“Excuse me, do you know where Mika is? have you seen her?” I asked her.
“Mika? Oh.. so you haven't heard? she transferred quite some time ago for reasons. I also tried asking our teacher what was the reason but they said that the "reason was private", anything beyond that.. I don't know either..” she said in reply to me.
I was shocked from what I've heard, did she transferred to avoid me? or maybe I'm just overthinking things? Many questions are flooding my mind right now and it's not helping.
“Okay, thank you for telling me..” I said to her as I walked away.
and ever since, I never saw her. not even once.
— July 27th, 2012 —
“Leoooo. Hey, leooooo!” Someone said to me.
“Oh, sorry. what is it Shiro?” I replied to him.
“You've been out of it lately, anything going on? You can tell me though.” He replied in a worried tone.
“Nothing, I'm just wondering if it was my fault. Maybe that's why she transferred.” I said to him.
“Don't be nuts bud, you know that ain't true. there must be something really important that happened.” he said as he tries to comfort me.
“I really appreciate that dude, thanks” I replied to him.
“Here, take this!” He said to me then he fetches me something that's on a plastic bag. Then I looked at what's inside..
“What is this?” I asked him
“Egg pie, a premium one. It's my treat.” He said to me in a positive tone.
I know that he's concerned of me, that's he gave me this. But I'll take it anyways.
“Thanks bud, really appreciate it.” I said to him.
Then he just gave me a thumbs up.
— March 21st 2014
I'm gonna graduate now. And I almost forgot about her, but I still can't stop thinking about what happened, but stressing about it right now is pretty pointless. That's why I just let everything go instead.
“Before the ending ceremony of our graduation, our school valedictorian is gonna give the speech for it—”
— 10 mins later —
Everyone was leaving the school, everyone cried, everyone was filled with emotions that day. that I completely forgot about her for a minute. Maybe it's time to let everything go? I don't know, I held on for too long.
“Aye bud, wanna hang out?” Said Shiro.
“I'm down for it, let's go.” then me and Shiro went at my place to hit some drinks and celebrate. some of his friends went with him too.
We ate a lot, we drank a lot, we got hungover. but as I kept drinking, I passed out. then as I woke up with my head completely nauseous, I looked at the clock..
* 3:27am *
“It's a bit late, I gotta clean up..”
Everyone left, even Shiro.
Then as I'm done cleaning things up, I saw the night sky through my balcony. I live alone now ever since my graduation. It's time for a new life.
“The moon is beautiful, I wonder if she's looking at the same sky as I do.” I muttered to myself.
“That's quite foolish of me to assume..” I said to myself.
“But Leo, who are you trying to fool? You can't fool yourself. You know that you still love her.” I said to myself.
But I guess that's for the better. I just hope she's doing fine.
— July 7th, 2016 —
I started to attend college. I skipped an entire school year doing my full-time job at a restaurant nearby and had quite the savings to go to college.
S: “Aye bud, what's up?”
L: ”All good buddy, you?
S: “Medical school is killing me man” *sent with a sticker someone passing out*
L: “Well, good luck buddy! you can do it!” *sent with a stickers saying 'good luck on it'*
*Turns phone screen off*
I hear the professors voice from all the way behind the amphitheater, but it's kind of vague since I wasn't paying attention..
“That's it for today's lecture.. but before I leave, we got our transfer student here. say hello to them.”
I wasn't paying attention, but as she entered the room, she caught all of the males attention and I heard the males say..
“—Hey, she's a beauty..”
“—Do you think she'll sit beside me?”
“—She's pretty cute!”
“My name's Mika Yoshikawa, Pleased to meet you all.”
I dropped my phone the instant that I heard her name. I'm certain, it's impossible that it's not her. but it's been years! then my chest started giving me this mixed emotions.
I was completely shocked and stunned for what I saw was the woman that I loved unrequitedly.
It's definitely her.
Then as she is finished introducing herself. She walked and sat nearby my seat.
No, scratch that out. She was right beside my seat.
“What the hell am I supposed to do now?” I said to myself in my mind.
“What if she recognizes me?” My mind and heart is giving me contrast answers. And it's really bugging me off!
I already said that I gave up on love, but why do I keep still feeling this warmth inside my chest?
“Okay, chill down Leo. First, we have to look at the facts and her physical features.” I talked to myself.
“She's a beauty.. check.”
“She has a long, brown, wavy hair.. check..”
“She has pretty eyes.. check...”
“AAAAHHH GODDAMNIT!” Then I slammed my table out of frustration in my head without even thinking where I am.
“Is there a problem, Mr. Satoru?” Said by my Professor.
And then the rest of the class looked at me.
“Ohh, I'm sorry for interrupting.. I just dropped my pen that's all..” I scratched my head and smiled awkwardly as I bare with the embarrassment.
Everyone on the class was murmuring something, and I know it's about me. It's pretty obvious though.
“But then, ain't that a bit of deja vu?” I said to myself.
“I really feel like this happened already before..” I muttered to myself.
“—C-could it be that you don't want me to sit near you?” She said.
“Huh? Uhh, no. sorry for that..” I replied to her.
“No, it's fine.” She said in a low voice.
But something felt weird.. why does it look like she doesn't remember me? And her tone of voice.. it feels like that she's a very different person from before..
A lot of questions have popped in my mind. but first thing's first. Is she pretending to not know me? Or she doesn't really remember me? Which is the case? Am I just overthinking things? Well, I guess I got to ask her.
“Say..Yoshikawa-san, Do you remember me?” I asked her straightforward.
“Hmm..” she held her chin.. trying to think deeply if she did.
“I'm sorry, but have we met before?”
Those words, struck my heart like a lightning. She wasn't lying. But what happened? Why can't she remember me? It's impossible..
She's honest about it either.. I can't feel that she's lying..
“W-well.. okay, sorry..” I replied to her.
“No, it's okay.” she replied in a low tone.
Why is that she's like a very different person now? What happened? They're like total opposites of what I've known. She used to smile a lot to me, and now, she's just.. silent. and distant..
“I can't let this bother me, I have to focus on my studies.” I said to myself.
Then the hours flew by, and it was time to go home.
“I need to tell Shiro about this..”
*Turns on screen*
“Hey Shiro, Mika's back. I know it's unreal but she is back. And she is on the same course as I am. Quite nuts right? let's call if you're free.”
Then not a single minute have passed, my phone rang and Shiro called me. I explained on how things happened and he's like..
“HUH?! Are you sure about that?!” He shouted on shock.
“Yeah, she is Mika Yoshikawa, no doubts about it. Same face, same hair, just different personality.” I said to him.
“Different? what do you mean about that?” He asked out of curiosity.
“Well, she doesn't really remember me.. and I don't even know why.” I said to him.
“It's like that she's a very different person. Quite the total opposite from years ago.”
“Maybe you're just imagining things bud.” he replied to me.
“Nah dude, I'm certain of it.” I said to him.
“Well, if she doesn't remember you.. why not try to get close to her again? I mean, she doesn't remember you after all.. so, what's the hurt about it?” He said to me.
“Hmm.. I don't know man.. But, I'll try. things , you know?” I said to him.
“Yeah.. things. But yeah anyways, take things at your own pace, don't rush and dive straight in.” He said to me.
“Who said I asked for your advice? But yeah, thanks for the tip. I'll catch up with you later.”
“Alright bud, talk to you later.” He replied.
*You got a message*
S: “You got this my dude!” *Sent with a sticker of a bunny giving a thumbs up*
*turns phone screen off*
“How could this be?” I said to myself.
— September 11th, 2016 —
I observed her for quite some time now, and yeah, she's a different person from before. The bright, nice, and friendly "Mika Yoshikawa" has lost. And I don't know the reason why.
She's completely alone, silent, and contented with her own. She even eats lunch at the cafeteria alone. She never talks to anyone else. She doesn't make friends ether. What the hell really happened?
Then on the 14th of september, while I was helping out on my club activities, I saw her standing at the rooftop of our school building, staring of the distance. As if she's thinking of something.
Then my club mates saw that I was staring at Mika.
“Hey, you alright?” said by one of my club mates.
“Oh yeah, sorry for dozing off.” I replied.
“I'll move our stuff at our club room fast, I have to talk to somebody.” I said to him.
“Yeah.. sure.” he replied.
then as I am done with moving the things from the club, I quickly rushed to the rooftop to check if she was still there.
I slowly and gently opened the door, and saw that she's still there.
I gathered all my courage to open the door.
Then she looked at me in shock.
“What are you doing here in this time?” I asked her.
“Nothing, just thinking and wondering of many stuff.” she said to me.
“Like what?” I replied to her in a calm tone.
“Hey.. what if you forgot everything about yourself.. what would you do?” She looked at me straight in the eye, as she said those words.
“There's also this feeling of gentle warmth in my chest, that I can't just ignore.. I feel like I lost something.. more specifically.. someone special.. like.. someone I loved from my past..” she said to me.
That phrase cut through my heart as if it's like a sharp dagger. I was stunned from what I've heard, I didn't expect to hear that kind of things from her. But I knew what to do.
“What do you mean by that? But it's fine id you don't want to answer.” I replied to her.
“I lost my memories. I had an amnesia because of a car accident. as far I remember.. it was when I was in Senior High school..” She said to me.
I was completely speechless from what I just knew.. I completely thought from before that she transferred because she wanted to avoid me.. but I guess things are better cleared out before assuming things..
“Did I say something weird?” She said to me.
“U-uhh no, I'm sorry I spaced out for a bit.. I'm sorry for asking such an insensitive question..” I said to her while apologizing and bowing my head to show my sincerity.
“N-no.. it's fine..” she replied.
“I honestly don't know how to act.. Because what if the past "Mika Yoshikawa" wasn't like this? what if I'm doing something that's out of her character? These things fill my mind.. and I hate it.. because I can't answer it..” She said to me while getting teary-eyed.
“I can't even make friends because I don't know how "Mika Yoshikawa" would ask one.. on how she would treat one..”
“It's really hard, you know? I've been battling my own doubts and demons up until now. and I've been in therapy but nothing worked.. I can't regain my past memories..” She said to me while she broke down crying.
Then I get near her and softly patted her head..
“There.. there.. It's alright.. you don't have to overthink things, you know? Just be yourself. Be what you want to be.. that's enough.” I said to her.
“Then want to be my friend..?” She asked me.
Then I got stunned once more as she asked me that. and I answered her.
“Yeah, sure! Nice to meet you, Yoshikawa-san!” I said to her.
“Nice to meet you, Satoru-san..” She replied.
“Leo, just 'leo' is fine.” I said to her.
“Olay then.. Leo..” She replied.
“Yeah, that's it, Yoshikawa.” I smiled at her the way she smiled at me when I first met her in my life. The bright smile she gave me when I first met her. I just returned her kindness.
Then she also gave a gentle smile at me.
Time flew by, really fast. Me and Yoshikawa went on trips, camping, and even a summer festival. We've been close to each other for quite a while. She even joined my club. Quite a leap, I guess.
— Oct 17th, 2018 —
It's been two years since Me and Yoshikawa have been friends. I knew her pretty well at this point, even Shiro was stunned that I made friends with her. But do I?
“Uhh, Leo, Do you have time later?” She asked me casually.
“Why? Need a hand on something?” I replied to her.
“Well, yeah. sort of. Are you free?” She asked.
“Yeah, I am. I'll drop by at your place later. Sounds good?” I replied to her.
“Yeah, I'll wait.” She said to me.
“Alright, see you later then.”
— 4:37pm, Yoshikawa's Apartment —
“Yeah, coming!” she exclaimed.
So I came by at her place and we talked about a lot of stuff before talking about the thing she wants a help about.
then the moment came.
“Hey Leo, have you tried writing music?” She asked me.
“Well, yeah.. from before.. why you ask suddenly?” I said to her.
“W-well, I joined a songwriting competition. and I needed some tips too..” She said.
“Is that so.. then.. to start things off, what do you want to write about?” I asked her.
“Remember the thing I told you, the warmth in my chest.. I wanna let go of it.. I wanna write a song about it.” She said to me, while she tries to feel on her chest.
“W-well, just write whatever you feel..” I said to her awkwardly.
“Don't overthink about it, just write what you want. Songwriting is a form of self-expression after all.” I said to her.
“Is that so.. well, I guess that'll do it..” She said to me.
Then we spent hours trying to figure out the tune, rhythm, and chords of the song.. all there is left is its lyrics.
“I can't think of the lyrics..” she said to me.
“Well, don't push yourself too much. we've done enough for today, why not give yourself some rest?” I said to her.
“Well, I gotta go now. It's already 7:00pm.” I said to her.
“Oh, yeah sure!”
Then I walked up to the door of her apartment and wore my shoes.
“Thank you for today, Leo! I really appreciate it a lot.” She said to me with a bright smile. That smile, the smile she gave me way back 2011. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say.
“Did I say something weird?” She said to me.
“Uhh, no. sorry for spacing out” I said to her.
“Nah, it's fine. take care!” She replied to me then I walked to the train station to head home.
Then as I head home, I lay down on my bed. Reminiscing about that moment on 2011. It feels so nostalgic.
“She's pretty as ever.” I said to myself.
*You got a message*
(M= Mika | L= Leo)
M: “You think the club will support me if I ever say that I joined a competition?”
L: “Oh yeah, they would.”
M: “Is that so..”
M: “October 27”
M: “October 27, come to my competition. watch me perform.”
L: “Alrighty, then it's settled!”
— October 27, A nearby playground near at Yoshikawa's place —
“You ready” I asked her.
“Quite nervous but I'm good to go.” she replied.
“That's good.” I said to her, trying to cheer her up and lift her self-esteem.
Them we walked to the station, to head to the venue where the competition will be held.
It was an open theater stage, meaning that the competition is admission free, and everyone will be able to watch. People are already here though.
“Some people arrive quite early.” She said.
“Well, you guys are a fired up anyways.” I replied to her.
“Give it everything you got, okay?”
“Yes, I will.” She replied in return.
“Oh yeah, do you have a bit of time after this Leo?” She asked me.
“Yeah, why?” I asked her.
“I have something to tell you after the competition.” She said to me.
“5:30pm, The park nearby my place.”
“Alright.. I'll be waiting” I replied to her.
Then as the show started, everyone including me was shocked on how good she is. As she started singing, I felt like she was a pro, a natural pro. A real one.
She has an angelic voice yet warm enough to make you feel cuddled by her voice. It's soothing. I always knew that she was good ever since she joined our club, but not this impressive. and as she was done singing the crowd including me applauded for how astonishing and incredible her performance is.
The reason I joined this competition is because I want to let go of my past feelings.. my past nightmares. everytime I think about Leo, My heart races. But I always get bothered by that "warmth" I always feel. I love Leo, but I had to let go of my past first. That why I had to let everything go.
When he asked me on that day, on the rooftop. It felt like I that the world stopped around me. it felt differently.
Those two years I spent with him wasn't by coincidence, it's because I wanted to be with him. I can't get over him.
And now, here I am, on this stage, finally letting go of everything I have in my past, in order for me to be able to confess my love for Leo.
I gave everything I got, I spent countless hours, practicing and practicing until my voice got tired. So I could move on, So I could let go.
And it was all worth it.
After my performance, I won over the crowd and also won the competition.
Many people wanted my autograph, but I wasn't really famous so I don't get it. And when I won, I saw Leo smiled while watching me. It was all for me, it was everything.
“Seeing him smile is all I ever wanted.”
I muttered that to myself.
I loved him, ever since. I knew that to myself. And I was ready to confess it to him after my competition, that's why I asked him to meet me at the nearby playground.
And so the moment comes.
I was walking at the train station to drop off at my home for the fastest route. It was already 5:35pm, I'm late.
And when I rushed to the street near that playground, I saw him waiting and he saw me too. He smiled back at me as I smiled on him. So he came to the other side of the street while I was on the opposite side. and then I crossed the street, not knowingly that there was a rushing truck out of nowhere. and as I looked at the vehicle, I got frozen because of fear. I didn't know what to do. Until I heard a voice.
It was Leo, he pushed me away from the speeding vehicle. He ran just to save me from being hit..
Then as the vehicle crashes, the people nearby who witnessed the accident screamed in fear and terror. Everything was hazy at first.. but then..
Leo was lying on the ground. His head is all dripping in blood. He was knocked unconscious.
“LEO—!!!” I screamed and cried as I saw the man I loved, all hurt and covered in blood.
I hugged him tight out of worry and grief. I was in a really confused state with a lot of pain and mixed emotions hurling through my heart and mind. I don't even know where to start. All I know was I'm screaming out his name in fear of losing him. I can't take this anymore.
“LEO!! PLEASE WAKE UP.. PLEASE WAKE UP!”
“SOMEONE, HELP. PLEASE!! I BEG YOU..”
Then the people started to call the emergency hotline to call for an ambulance.
“CALL THE AMBULANCE, GOD DAMN IT!!!” I SHOUTED AT THE PEOPLE OUT OF FEAR.
“We already called for help, just calm dow—” said by one of the witnesses.
“TELL THEM TO HURRY UP!! FUCK!”
I swore at them because of panic, I was in deep terror and worry.
“LEO!! WAKE UP.. I BEG YOU...”
Leo gains his consciousness..
“LEO?? LEO! HELP IS COMING ALRIGHT?? HANG ON, PLEASE..”
“Mika..” He smiled at me.
“I loved you, I always do..”
“Don't.. cry.. please..”
“NO, LEO! HANG ON, HELP IS COMING.. PLEASE..”
“I LOVE YOU, LEO . PLEASE DON'T...”
“I don't think I can.. last much.. longer..” as he say that, he coughs blood.
“LEO!! GOD!! WHY!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!”
“I'm happy.. that I get to save you.. this time... I'm sorry.. for not telling you.. all along..”
He held my face.. as he muttered his last words for me.
“I.. loved you, since 2011... Mika.. I love you.. I'm sorry...”
“NO.. LEO.. DON'T DO THIS.. PLEASE.. LEO... LEO... PLEASE...”
“LEO!!!!! NO.... LEO... PLEASE DON'T GO..”
My scream echoed throughout the whole street. I just.. don't even know where to even start.
And then the ambulance came, they took Leo and Me at the hospital. They tried reviving Leo. But it was all too late. Leo didn't make it. Leo is gone. Leo... is gone.. is dead.
The hospital contacted his parents, relatives, and friends. and his friends blamed me for being the "one who killed him" although it's an accident.
“YOU KILLED HIM!”
“WHY DIDN'T YOU PROTECT HIM?!”
“IF HE DIDN'T MET YOU, HE WOULD'VE BEEN ALIVE!!”
“IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!”
Those were the words that I always hear from them. But I can't say anything either.. because anyway.. it's all partly my fault..
His funeral was held at his grandparents home. As much as I wanted to come, I can't. I'm still ashamed of myself. I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
And then, I started hating myself more than anyone else.
I know that leo don't want me to be in this kind of state, but I can't also deny the fact that I'm the one at fault for his death. and so, here I am..
And that's why I kept on singing the song that I made at the competition. It was the only memento of him left in me.
And because of the incident the song I made went viral on the internet. Many pleaded for me to sing it live, but I can't bring myself to do so. It's my only memento of him. I got many offers from many huge music labels to publicize the song, but I don't want to. but then again..
— October 27th 2019, At Leo's grave —
“Leo, I'm ready to sing our song..” as I prayed on his grave.
“I'm a bit lonely without you.. you know.. and it's been hard.. so hard.”
“I wanna see you again, hug you, and love you for one last time...”
“Leo, I love you, I really do. thank you for loving me ever since. If only I knew earlier that you were the one that I loved ever since before my amnesia.. I guess things would be different.. aren't it..?” I started to sob as my sorrow and longing for him sinks in.
“I miss you, Leo.”
“You were my strength when the world crumbled upon me...”
“But I know that you don't want me to stay this way, right?”
“I have to keep on moving on..”
“Thank you, for loving me unconditionally. I'll see you soon. My autumn leaves.”
Obrigado pela leitura!
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