I’m not crazy, why would I be a crazy person, I just feel hurt because of the world and I guess that’s the reason why I’m here.
Everything started in the day that I went to the hospital for some help, I mean psychological help, I went there in the first place because I was stressed, and I felt like I couldn't manage my life. My parents left me there with the doctor because they didn’t want to interrupt or something and I was upset because the doctor’s face was scary for me, also I was sad because my parents didn't want to help me, they just thought that my life was as easy as possible. That day the man told me that I had a problem with my attitude and that he didn’t know what was it, so I thought, are you a doctor, right? You must know my fucking problem! But the truth was that actually I didn’t want to know it, I wanted to be a normal 16 years old girl.
Well, the days passed in front of my face. I started to have some impulsive actions, I was involved in fights, I lost most of my friends and even my family was gone. The worst thing is that I didn’t want to hurt people but it felt amazing.
The first time that I knew that my problem was serious was when I was in the school, I was in biology class which I loved. While doing an activity, somehow I was happy, I felt peaceful and in that moment I thought that my life was like I wanted, but my stupid mental illnes couldn't allow that, so when I heard some girls talking about why the people don’t appreciated their beauty and that everyone there was less good than them, I got more than angry, I tried to control myself but their words were on my head making me furious “Everyone here is like trash, we are the only ones that will succeed, and also, we are beautiful” In other circumstances I would ignore them but I wasn’t the same as I was the last year. Then I knew that I fucked up everything, I stood up of my chair and punched one of the girls on the face really hard, I screamed to her that she was an idiot, and yes, I enjoyed that but I got suspended for three weeks, and I feel bad because of that, the best thing that someone could do in that situation was ignore them but I didn't have that possiblity, I was different.
Since that class, I knew that I had intermittent explosive disorder and because of that I advanced anxiety too. Every night I didn’t sleep because of my scariness, I was nervous everytime and I couldn’t tell the doctor, my parents or my only friend because I was afraid to punch them or something, I was terrified of me.
That didn’t ended easily, each day I felt weirder, I knew that I got crazy but like a common crazy person I didn’t admit it, It was like if someone gave me electric shocks and I was getting out of control, I only wanted to stop.
I left the school because my parents found out what was happening to me, instead of helping me they just left me alone, and that's one of the reason that made me who I am now.
Two months later, my brain started to think about violent ideas, and everything turned around one feeling: The feeling that appears when you think you are nothing compared to others. So I found out that everything was connected, that was the reason of my first impulsive attack that made my anxious, crazy and violent brain being unable to forget that, it was imposible.
One night, my parents went into a fight about me, I listened everything and I wasn't happy with their comments. The anger consumed me, I wasn’t myself and my body was acting without thinking clearly, I went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife, I know that this sounds creepy but for me it was perfect. I went to my bedroom and started to think about hurting someone, an idea that felt awesome for me in that moment so I thought, why not? And well, that's the reason why I’m here, I almost killed my father and I don't know if anything of this is normal but if it is, I don't like this kind of a normal life becuase this thing turned me into a maniac. I just want this to end, I want my bored life back.
— Is good to confess what you are feeling Isabelle, you are progressing — said my doctor.
— Thanks, Mr. Parker— I told him with happiness.
— You can go, I'll see you tomorrow — he told me, so I did what he said.
I left the room quickly, I didn’t like that place, I had memories of that room like when they gave me electric shocks or when the doctor made me speak with my arms tied up, just in case. I went to my bedroom, took my pills and the last thing that I remember is the lonely, cold and scary room that I was in, in mental hospital hospital room.
Obrigado pela leitura!