Ah. Well I guess I better get this out while I can right? Hello! Before you dive any deeper into this, I suggest you consider what you get into. This whole thing may have a quite a bit of ranting and raving. As my life is far from a special one. As I'm aware anyone reading this knows how it feels to come to terms with reality and it's weight. Not a very pleasant thing I must say. It's very worrisome at times I won't lie. For me anyways, I would hate to have someone online here worry about my petty struggles. But nonetheless, these entries are: like said in the title, meant to help me cope. College is no where near as easy as my parents tried to tell me. And oddly enough I believed them, guess it comes with being young right? Heh, 19 years old and I feel I should be much wiser then I am. But it is a earned thing ya know? It appears suffering is the only way to shed a child-like persona by trying to make sure you don't whine as much, even though when their are just many times that have you blubbering like a baby. Something I'm not proud of I must admit. It's the main reason I do it when no one is around or only my most trusted friends are here to see it. I'd say the suckiest part about it is wondering if your anger is justified or not. Or being afraid that college may weaken you and set you up to be a failure that everyone keeps talking about nowadays. In all honesty it's very stressful at times. Their is no doubt about that. Though the fear of failure tends to be pretty ….bad.
So college level algebra....recently I have been getting difficulties with it. Needless to say it's nothing fun for me. Some things are easy for me....that is not one of them. Luckily I have people with me to help me out. As I'm typing this, I'm praying that I'll get through it just fine. Which it probably will, it's just a subject that makes me feel very stupid and weak. Even if I probably won't go ahead and make it a profession due to lack of interest in the subject, I learned it is actually useful for more things then we realize. Although I can't say it exactly makes me feel better knowing that I have been struggling with such a subject for most of my life. But no one is perfect are they? I guess the reality of that is more crushing then we think. And we don't realize it until it happens. But hey, if it all it takes is to not quit...maybe I do have more hope then I think. If the unwillingness to give in is what makes us keep going, then I'll hang onto it. Though I must confess it's just me being afraid of a total failure more so then anything else. Weather that's justified or reasonable I don't know, can't say I want my fears to come to pass though.
I'm not a tough individual. I'm usually struggling to make sure I'm ok everyday. To be strong. But I guess I can say I am fairly persistent. Given that I rather not stay a man-child and be weak. Though if you expect this to be done by a stoic young man who isn't phased by anything externally, sorry to disappoint. Don't worry, I'll try not to make any readers feel they are listening to a "beta cuck" as they call them. Pretty stupid that we have to make insults for the types of men that plague us nowadays. Of course not the first time really but still. Guess we all wish our societies were hardier in the modern age. Or at least the people inside them.
But toughness isn't born as most are aware. It's just made. And when it's made it is anything but an easy process as most know. Sometimes I wonder how I haven't collapsed due to my own weakness at times. But not wanting to keel over and die tends to be a good motivator. It's something that I picked up a while ago. That even the supposedly weakest among us can become strong through simply wanting to continue to live. I cherish that aspect of me truly. Not wanting to give up on life, continue living. I never thought that someone of my boring background wouldn't have any motivators. But I guess my boring life is a stronger motivator then one may think.
That I can also be glad that through all this mundane, monotonous life of mine. I have friends that deal with similar circumstances. People trying to get off the treadmill of life and into a journey of some sorts. Can't tell you how much I wish my life wasn't such a fixed state. Who knew boredom could be bad as any other form of suffering? But.....I persist.
Whenever things get hard, I persist. Whenever I hit a wall, I persist. For as long as their is life and struggle, I shall always persist. For that separates me from most failures. I refuse to lay down and die. I refuse to just go and quit. I WILL LIVE. And before I die, I will leave parts of me...a legacy that says that this person lived, and lived well. That is certain. Not some mediocre middle class bitch, some houty touty little cuck, or some dumb meathead with nothing inside. I will be anything but a failure. And here I end this chapter with that in the readers mind.
23 Septembre 2019 00:28:53
Merci pour la lecture!
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