I still remember the first time I saw you in person; We had been planning our meeting for a whole week and a half by writing to each other on WhatsApp, which would be of only academic interest.
That Saturday I was so desperate to run to his house, he had not even sent me the address and I was sure that one way or another, even if he did not send it to me, it would arrive
It was already 6:23 pm and the mood to go out was no longer the same; I no longer had an interest in entering the dangerous streets of the city at that late hour of that day.
- Suddenly a message from him arrived - You're going to excuse me, but something came up, let's leave it for tomorrow.
- Alright! I will try to leave at noon to arrive earlier.
- Good, so we'll have more time to study and I'll order something at KFC.
I won't doubt that I was relieved, but it certainly was a better decision.
He seemed attractive to me, although normal like any other boy; Even so, it already caught my attention, but I didn't want to get excited until I was one hundred percent sure of that.
It wasn't that I was already feeling butterflies in my stomach, rather, it's that we started talking, and it was as if we had known each other for years, as if there was already some trust. Maybe it's just the fact that we only chatted and then in person we both get shy.
Maybe we'll get along! Maybe not, too!
The fact is that I have liked his personality in networks, but will it be like that outside of virtual life? I'll just have a hard time finding out for myself.
I don't usually go out so informally like this, it's not like from one moment to another it would have inspired me to go out and share my knowledge with someone. It's just that I only go out on specific occasions, such as: to church, visiting a relative for a special occasion, bank commitments, shopping at the Supermarket...
I limited myself a lot to sharing and socializing with people my age, some brothers and sisters from the church always visited me and I used to go out with them to spread the good message of salvation from Christ, even so, there were, on some occasions , tried to do different things.
The last time I tried to adjust to my age groups, I don't want to say it, but it was a complete disaster. I had a great time in my own way, like a kid who is barely going out of the house for the first time without my parents or older siblings. But group outings always leave one or the other upset by things that happen and I didn't fully understand why, I don't know, I felt somewhat traumatized and upset, that was an excellent excuse for me to return to my normality and stop socializing as I was used to.
Anyway, Sunday arrived, I got up very early in order to arrive early to the place where (I did a certain thing) that I will not mention, it is not that it was something bad, it is that it has no relevance with what I am telling you, although it does in one way or another connected with this story.
I went to the place, I fulfilled my schedule and I left in the 12:00 pm shuttle, I would arrive in about an hour and a half, but the streets that day in the city were packed with traffic.
On Saturday night he had sent me the address, I programmed myself and planned the route for the next day with attention to detail. He would wait for me at a certain subway station where he asked me to stay, since it was closer to where he lived.
I took a route trolley which dropped me off in front of a station on route 2 of the subway, then I would have to take route 1, which was one stop from where I got on route 2. All that took about 30 minutes, I arrived at the station near his house at about 3:25 pm.
I wrote to him that I was already there, he replied that it would take about 5 minutes to get there, so I stayed inside the station waiting for him; he was already a little nervous about this meeting without knowing that he would bring with him the sharing of an innocent and perhaps pleasant time with a classmate, with the sole interest of giving him an explanation of a subject that he did not fully understand.
During the week he had told me that he was happy to finally meet me in person, nothing unusual, but I took it as a compliment from him, since no one had been so excited to meet me in person.
On that Sunday morning, a common partner had written to me to find out what I would do that day in the afternoon, I had to deliver something that I promised her, I told her without further ado what I had planned with the other partner and that she was invited if she needed anything. clarification of everything in which it would help you.
She accepted, but she was not sure that it would arrive; I informed him about the guest and she accepted, without further ado, that she also join.
I wrote to him that I was already close to my partner's house and that he should use the address I sent him in the morning so that he could come and join the classes here, somewhat non-expert, but somewhat dominant on the subject, me.
- I'm here! Where are you?
My cell vibrated. and that was the message I found when I opened the chat, I went to the exit door of the subway station and there we ran into each other, he was in front of me and we shook hands to greet each other.
He mentioned my name using the diminutive that many, before, have used when addressing me.
- Nice to meet you! - I told.
- I imagined you bigger - He replied.
The fact is that I also imagined him even taller than I see him now, but I didn't mention anything about it, I didn't want to be unoriginal by commenting the same thing.
Actually, he was much more beautiful in person than what was seen on his WhatsApp profile, he was truly a beautiful boy, definitely the most handsome I have ever met in person in my life.
Right away we started walking, before there was a supermarket nearby and we went in to buy some things, then we went to his house. The journey was short and I learned the way from the station to his house.
On the way he had asked me where I was staying, since I, like him, was from another region, except that he had been living here for years and I would only be coming on weekends for certain commitments.
- In a relative's apartment – I told him.
- Oh! I have my house available in case you need a place – He offered me.
I did not respond to that suggestion, but it seemed to me a detail on his part. We got to his house.
There I got rid of everything I was carrying with me, I had brought my laptop in a backpack, where all the information on the subject we would study was found, as well as some folders with documents necessary for such purposes.
He asked me if I had warned the partner that I was already at home.
- Yeah! She is on her way - I replied.
He lived as a tenant in a lady's house, I'm sure he was a great person, that boy, educated and trustworthy; we settled on a table with all the material we would work with, he on his laptop and I on mine.
It was supposed to be a day off for him, but at the same time we were studying, he was taking care of some matters related to his work, he asked me for some time to solve something; He settled with his smartphone in front of a window, it was hot as hell and he put a fan on me to combat that heat.
Finished his business we went back to review, I explained each step to take and he was very attentive to everything I said, on some occasions we looked at each other, I explained, face to face; I got a little nervous, those glassy eyes that made him look so handsome didn't let me concentrate, plus that beard cut made him look very attractive.
- (X) is asking for the address again, send it to him while I order at KFC - He told me.
- It's okay! – I answered him.
We ordered the same menu and we had already bought juice in the supermarket to accompany that toast.
A while later the other classmate wrote that she had arrived at the place, we both went out to receive her, we returned with her to the house and after placing her in the middle of both of us, we continued with the classes.
She kind of understood the subject, she just had a little problem with one part and we were almost there.
We were telling him about something that we had previously discussed, my partner suggested that it would be good to see our possibilities renting an apartment together near where we would surely work, since what we studied required our maximum dedication, and to make life much more comfortable and not exhaust us so much, that too.
It seemed like an excellent idea, she and her sister also wanted to leave the family nest and become independent by helping each other.
We continued to the most important part of all that, she already knew what had to be done, but it didn't go well when executing the process, so I explained each step and at this moment I let him do everything and she observed.
It was something that required a pencil, an eraser and a ruler, at one point I had to help him adjust the ruler so that it came out as perfect as possible, my fingers brushed against his while we looked at each other for a while, I tried to make him understand how to do it It made me nervous and if it hadn't been for my brown skin he would have noticed that I was also blushing.
She also kept looking at him with some suspicion, in her eyes I could see it.
The day was very useful and in the end we ended up doing a good job, I teaching what little or much I knew about the subject and they paying attention and asking questions.
I left there with great satisfaction and great joy at having met that special boy, I even felt familiar with him, I felt that he was part of me and I was part of his world.
She took me in her vehicle to my house, we were talking about things far from all that at my partner's house, when I finally dismounted, said goodbye and went into where I was residing, I wrote to my partner; The three of us were already planning to meet up next Saturday and do something for lunch as friends, we agreed on it.
All that week he and I wrote to each other a lot and each answer or question from him made my soul and spirit rejoice with joy, in a message he told me something that made me blush very much.
I didn't believe it, I must have been dreaming it or what do I know, but he did write it; Furthermore, both he and I reacted with hearts to our messages.
I can't believe that I fell in love and everything he told me excited me more and more, made me float in the clouds and touch the limit of the highest sky.
My hormones fluttered even more with the next thing he proposed to me.
- How about we go to Colombia next month? – She asked me.
- I answered, holding the urge to say yes without thinking twice - Wow! Last year I wanted to go in December, but I was intimidated by the idea of making that trip alone.
- So we left? – He asked again.
- Of course, you just have to plan everything well - I replied.
I wouldn't know how to express what I felt when I found out that I would go out with the boy I like, a trip together, through Medellín, Bogotá and all those tourist sites in Colombia, I was already beginning to get ideas about that whole trip.
I already wanted the month of July to arrive, but we will still be able to see each other for a few more weekends, so we took the opportunity to talk about the subject and everything we would do during those possibly four or three days that we could spend there.
The weekend has arrived and I was the most excited, happy, cheerful, excited and eager to meet that person who has made me fly over the highest cloud.
She no longer wanted to greet him with just a shake of the hand, she wanted to go home and hug him tightly and feel his warmth and caress his neck and his entire back.
I got to the place where for a purpose I must be every weekend, at least three months or so; I only thought about our reunion, I greeted him very early with some images that I took of the Caribbean Sea when he was on his way, I also greeted the other companion in the same way and reminded him that we would meet again that afternoon.
They responded right away.
In the run-up to that weekend, apart from everything mentioned above, we also talked a lot about our tastes in music, cinema, our faith in God; we had deepened our friendship even more and got to know a lot about each other.
I have already suffered for love many times, falling in love with people who did not correspond to me and people who did not value me. I had decided not to give this badly wounded heart to someone else again, I needed to protect it, I needed to protect myself, I cannot suffer again and see how my world falls apart around me for someone who does not care about the feelings or emotional health of others / you/is.
I had decided, at first, not to get so excited about all this friendship that was formed between the two, the other partner was aware of my preferences and accepted me and loved me just the way I am. I have also known some situations that she had had to go through and found out that her heart had also been broken on occasions.
With this boy I felt that everything would be fine and I just hoped that he would take the first step and ask me, that he would tell me that he loved me and wanted something more than a friendship with me; I was already excited to be part of his life in that special way, he made me understand, many times by talking, that I was special and important in his life.
12:00 pm that Saturday had already arrived, I left like a whirlwind hoping to take the first transport that would drop me near the subway station, on the way the other.
My partner told me that she could not arrive at that time that we had planned, she had her commitments.
Between the two of us we tried to convince her, but she wanted us to change the schedule to be able to participate, but he had already prepared everything, and he wanted her to taste the lunch prepared by her own hands, fresh from the stove.
- It will be another time - It was the last chat she left me.
I continued to the station after getting off the bus; My heartbeat was racing and I already imagined him handsome waiting for me and with the table ready, it will be quite a feast.
I got to my stop, I walked and there was the supermarket in front of my eyes, I thought a lot if taking something would be appropriate or very bad on my part, because he surely will have taken pains to give us, well, give me an excellent lunch; but in the end I ended up going in and taking something for dessert.
Frozen! Yes, I bought a couple of ice creams of my favorite flavor, hazelnut chocolate, I arrived at his house and knocked from the door.
- My dear brother! – He said upon receiving me.
We greeted each other as on the previous occasion and there he was, when he entered he already had everything prepared on the table. It was unbearably hot and I shed my backpack.
- Can I unbutton my shirt? It's very hot - I asked.
- If you want, you can even take it off, this is your house – Was his answer.
I proceeded to take off my shirt and I was left with a white t-shit that I had underneath, he reached for the fan and immediately connected it to the switch and then turned it on.
- I have a habit before lunch, and that is that I pray for food - He told me what my part served me.
- Of course we should do it - I asked.
He took the initiative and we prayed, after finishing thanking God for providing us with those exquisite foods that we would taste, he told me that next time it was my turn to pray.
Of course I would do it without any detour.
We started spoonful by spoonful, then we tasted everything, it was a mashed potato with breast in cream, it was really delicious.
He proceeded to ask us to take a photo, I accepted, he took his smartphone and captured both of us. After showing me that beautiful selfie, she sent it to our common partner, who she congratulated us for sharing even though she couldn't join us.
- This is the first time I've done this, please tell me honestly how it turned out – he asked me.
- I tried to be as sincere with my answer - Well! I liked how it turned out, if there was something to improve, it would be less salt for the breast.
He was satisfied with my opinion of lunch.
We continued talking, he told me that he wanted to see me finish my studies, I was only one step away and he had a few months of classes left.
We talked about our faith and the churches that each one visited, he told me that he visited his because he felt very good there and for other things.
Although my church does not accept such normal homosexual behavior, rather, the councils here in my country, those in the United States and Canada, have their doors open to all members of the LGBTQIA+ community. I didn't mention anything to him about it, but I did tell him that I also felt comfortable in my church.
From one moment to the next, he touched on the topic about the LGBTQIA+ community, specifically about the trans siblings, he told me his disagreement and discontent with them.
- Ouch (X)! What will become of this world with all these things now? – He told me so shamelessly.
I just kept looking and listening, I tried to react with a: Hum! Only in a tonality you probably didn't hear anything with; I let him carry on with all that.
- My ex-girlfriend was very proud, when I made a mistake I always admitted it and asked her for forgiveness, on the other hand, she never admitted hers; I was the one who ended her and she went for that reason. (X) You always have to listen to both sides of the story, women never admit his mistakes – My partner told me while all my attention was focused on him.
No word came out of my mouth, more, however, a dozen crazy thoughts began to cloud my mind, I tried to keep calm before what my ears heard, I put a spoonful of that lunch in my mouth.
- But look (X), she keeps writing to me on WhatsApp and that's the type of photos she sends me, provocative, but I don't want to go back with her - She showed me her smartphone, where a flirtatious girl appeared in her underwear, while he told me all that.
- Nothing easy, a dangerous temptation - I managed to open my mouth and tell him.
I began to feel like swords were going through my chest, I was trying to stay solid to continue that meeting with that positive and happy attitude with which I came to visit my friend, although inside I was beginning to crumble.
We were almost done with lunch.
- See (X), I'm not ready for a relationship right now, imagine if you get a prize for doing things, besides, I save myself for marriage; After I am stable I will have a family, when I feel ready I will have my wife I also want to have my children - He finished telling me.
- I think it's an excellent decision, right now you should focus on your development as a person and meet your goals, then God will allow you what he wants for you - I advised him.
My friend is a great person and since we began to treat each other, I prayed to God for his happiness and well-being, I wished him the best from the bottom of my heart, he was proud to have someone like me, with the same academic interests and who, according to him, had helped him a lot to clarify things about some classes that he had not understood.
- (X) today I have something to do, in a few minutes I have to get ready and go out, it has been a pleasure sharing with you - He told me as soon as we finished lunch.
I helped him take the dishes to the sink, he remembered that I had brought something for dessert, ice cream and brownie, he brought me an ice cream and I ate it while he watched me and we continued talking about some other things.
After I finished with that, he went to his room to look for the keys to the house, he told me that he would accompany me to the subway station; I remembered that there was something else to deliver.
- No, how is it possible that you have something else for me - He complained guiltily for my kind presents.
- It is something with which I do not intend to return home - I warned him.
On the last visit I had given a book, which was not one of my favorite literary tastes, to the other companion, I had promised her and she was looking forward to it.
This time I had to promote the love of reading, to my dear and very kind companionfriend-my illusion, I brought you a complete saga, it was one of my favorites.
- So how much time do you give me to read them? – She asked me.
- No, they are for you, it is a gift - I told him.
On one occasion we had talked about hobbies, just as I liked to read, I had told him to lend me, after finishing, an interesting book on astronomy that he mentioned that he was reading, he told me that we would exchange with one of his interest that I possessed.
I decided to give him my saga because I wanted to get the hardcover version to collect, he would have plenty of that and someone I would give it to would show up, I'm glad it was for him.
- Thank you my brother! – She told me with a smile from ear to ear and then she did something she wanted from him for a while.
He came over and gave me a big hug, it was something so tender and beautiful on his part, after everything I had heard that afternoon I wanted that from whoever, I just never thought I would receive it from him.
After that moment, which I will keep forever in my memory, we left his house and went to the station, where we said goodbye with a handshake.
I got on the subway and I felt beside myself, I was crestfallen and somewhat melancholic, I told myself that I should end this friendship as soon as possible, before it was too late.
The fact that he was indifferent to one of the most vulnerable groups in the community to which I belong, even though he kept me in the shadows until he could be more open about it, the trans community; I accept that I did not like his comments about it; but what had made me feel very bad was something else.
I had been excited about this guy, I didn't expect that in our second meeting to share as friends he would tell me if he felt something, I hoped that we would continue to know each other, that's what we did, yes, but I wish I hadn't known anything about what I know now.
He wished he hadn't known those details. Oh! What do I say? Sooner or later he would find out, and he had to be prepared for it, it was one of two options; or he was someone for me or simply a great person that anyone would like to have as a friend and academic partner, only I have confused everything and captured the kind way of being of him with something else.
I hate myself, I hate that I got excited, I hate that I wrote to him in the first instance to find out how he was doing in class, I hate that someone so beautiful treated someone like me so kindly, I hate that he feels that life treats me so terribly and makes me suffer so much.
From the beginning all of us in the community, by taking the step of accepting ourselves as we are and reaffirming our opinion of right and wrong in the face of this cruel world, we know that we will face many attacks and wars against ourselves to continue forward.
I started to feel disappointed that I wasn't someone who would reciprocate him as a couple and maybe I also felt jealousy for him inside of me.
I arrived at my relative's apartment and got rid of everything I was carrying, the weather was terribly hot and I needed to freshen up.
I wrote to him since he asked me to inform him when he arrived.
- I'm already in the apartment, I've arrived safely, thank God! – That's what I told him.
- Very good! We've had a good time, right? – She asked me.
- Honestly, lunch was very delicious. Good luck with your engagement! – I ended up telling him.
- Thank you! You still take care of yourself over there - she answered me.
I turned on my laptop and proceeded to play a selected list of songs that I usually listen to at times like these, when I need to lift my spirits a bit and try to feel better, the next thing I did was clean up the whole place; To many it will seem strange and even illogical, but I relax with things like this.
After about fifteen or twenty minutes of exercising, I took a shower; then I realized that it was time to face my emotions very carefully and make a decision on how to calm down all this storm that was beginning to create waves in my mind.
It wouldn't be the first time I've suffered a lack of love, moreover, it had never been this way, none of the few boys I had fallen in love with, had never had an approach, just as I have had with my partner, with some of them, but he had suffered enough from each lovesickness.
It was as if I had finally achieved that dream, that illusion of having someone with whom I completely complemented myself, someone with whom I really wanted to spend long moments and make them smile and feel good, but from one moment to the next life took it from me and a piece of me rotted away.
With each lack of love, with each disappointment, I perceived that a fragment of my soul was detached and I would never recover it again; I was afraid that, with each badly wounded piece of my being, I was losing part of my human essence and I was afraid that losing part of me little by little would turn me into a monster.
I have tried many times to find someone in networks, someone who makes me feel highly attracted, who makes me want to go meet him wherever he is, but I never felt that desire or fell in love with such intensity, not how I feel with this guy now.
The moment of decision had arrived, I already had several ideas of how I would deal with all this, I would delete his contact number from my smartphone so that I would not see his statuses on WhatsApp nor he mine, I would stop writing to him and greet him every day as I was getting used to, I would tell him that I will be busy if he writes me for the next time he is going to want to share and the following ones until he realizes for himself that he no longer wanted to be part of his life, much less continue to be his friend.
Maybe they are not the best decisions, but I didn't know how else to solve this situation, I couldn't keep thinking that I'll behave like always if I were around him again; I already imagined if he introduced me to a fiancée or told me that he liked a girl, I would die of jealousy inside and that would hurt me a lot.
Before laying my tired body on the bed, I asked God for all this, I asked him to enlighten my mind, I wanted to know if this decision was the right one or if I should do something else about it, then I fell asleep and rested from all the mess of the very heavy day.
The next day arrived and I had arrived early for my weekend commitment, I greeted my other partner and we talked about some things, I did not write to him.
In the afternoon, after arriving at the apartment, I felt the need to know how he was and say hello, so I didn't resist and sent him a message greeting him and asking how he had been.
He answered me an hour later and also wanted to know how I was doing. We talked about other things and at the end I told him that he could always count on me for academic matters, that I will always be available to help him with whatever he needs in terms of classes.
The next day, Monday, he wrote to me very early, saying hello and asking how I was doing; Of course, as a polite person, I answered him and also asked how he was doing.
There was someone of age within the study group on WhatsApp, he was a bit irritating and always wanted to be contrary, this time we were discussing another topic in which, as in previous times, he tried to get left rock, I tried to make my comments sound like if I were on your side.
It was already 10:05 pm and my partner wrote to me asking for an explanation as to why I was on his side and did not agree with the majority regarding the subject in question.
- I'm just trying to give you my support, minorities must support each other - Was my answer.
- That heavy is a, look for a camera! He should not behave in such a way or address others like this, we are all adults - He replied to me.
He was right with what he said, the teacher had made it clear to us that we could talk about any topic outside of class topics, within the group, obviously with its limitations, but that other classmate didn't like us flooding the chat with things that They had nothing to do with the classes, his excuse: that he could not find important information that the teacher left within the group; but when the teacher left a video or practice, he closed the group so that we all focused our attention on it.
- (X) keeled me with him – He mentioned to me about our partner.
I told her that I imagined it, on other occasions she had told me that she did not like that man.
- He is a Christian, perhaps he is a religious extremist, hetero-patriarchal – I wrote to him.
- Oh! I had never heard such terms, it will be hard for me to laugh with my closest friends from the church with these things – Was her reaction.
We said goodbye, saying goodnight at about 12:05 am and I dropped my cell phone and then fell asleep in my bed.
The next day I wrote to him at night to give him a brief explanation of a new practice that the professor had left, it was about the topic that we were working on at his house on my first visit.
- This is gold for me, compadre, I thank you enormously - He wrote to me, thanking me and leaving a heart at the end.
I reminded him that he had my intellectual support, that I would always be available to him.
The next day he wrote to me to say good morning and I still received them and wished him a good day too. We didn't discuss anything and just had that little chat that day.
The following Tuesday, after the last time I went to his house, I had deleted him from my contacts, but I had left our WhatsApp chat intact, I didn't see his statuses, just like he didn't see mine.
- Greetings to my corduroy full (X)! – He greeted me at night, after a long day without saying good morning to him and he to me neither.
- Very good night, sir (X)! – It was my greeting, I had stopped my habit of calling him my dear (X), or I always sent him a very romantic GIF
- All good? – She asked me.
- I'm fine, thank God - I answered him like that without further ado.
- I remain calm knowing that you are well - He left me written and a heart in my answer.
I told him that he could be and I wished him a happy night and he wished me; It was a late Thursday night.
The following days, Friday and Saturday, there was no message from me, but neither from yours; I thought that in the end he realized that he no longer wanted to talk beyond some concern about some academic subject, that I no longer wanted to continue sharing details about my life with him, nor that I was interested in his personal affairs.
My decision to walk away and leave that friendship, which I thought was turning into something more, was already clear to me. I was finally beginning to let go of everything that made me feel the need to want to know how he was every day and for him to know about me.
I wrote to my other partner and we talked, but I didn't mention anything about him, nor did I ask him if he had talked about me with him.
Sunday arrived and I, well focused and serene, went to the place, there I felt a little restless thinking about my partner, I needed to know how he was and I even wanted to apologize for my absence these two days.
- Very good day, sir (X)! How has everything gone? – I greeted him and asked.
About 7 minutes later I received a voice message of almost a minute, he greeted me as he always used to and told me that he was a bit busy because in a few days he would leave for a camp of his church and that he would not be able to attend classes during the week either. week.
- But and you brother. How are you? – Then he asked me her.
- That sounds very funny, I hope with God that you enjoy it a lot and tell me how the experience was - I told him before answering that I was feeling very well.
- You are my pride (X) - He told me.
- It's not a big deal – I wanted to clarify.
- This coming Saturday, when I arrive, let's see if we can do something to share a while - I proposed.
I wanted to tell him that I needed time to myself and wanted to stop socializing, but ended up writing that I thought it was a great idea.
- Look, I've been a bit distant these days and I wanted to apologize; I haven't been feeling very well, but that's my business, don't worry. I feel better now - I explained to apologize for my absence.
- No, don't worry, if you knew that I have never felt you away, in my mind you are always present – he finished telling me
- I still have you in my mind and prayers, I wish you do well, you are a great person - I said goodbye with that chat.
He was still the great friend I met the first time, I was the one who had changed, I was the one who misunderstood all that sweet way he treated me, I was the one he needed to get away from and realize that I was not good company not a good friend.
What if I go to his house on Saturday or go where he wants to take me?
I don't have the slightest idea if I'll manage to separate his friendship from my feelings and be able to be the friend he deserves and accompany him.
What if I will be there for any concern and help you understand things that I already understand about our future career?
Of course, no one would refuse to share how much or little they know about any subject.
What if I feel that life once again turns its back on me and has made me plunge into one of those states of depression and existential crisis, where I feel that a part of me is dying and that I will not be the same after overcome all this?
Of course, I already had a presentiment of something from the beginning, perhaps I would say to myself that I would not open up to that feeling that makes us suffer so much when things do not go as one wishes; maybe I'll let myself get excited once more and suffer again the evil that we all believe is good for us.
Suffering love from its purest and most innocent essence, a simple crush that is eating away at you inside and destroying you emotionally.
It is not his fault, he deserves to achieve everything he fights for in life, I wish him very much that in the end he can find someone who values him and complements him one hundred percent.
But I won't be able to be there to see him, I couldn't even find out that he wants me to visit him, when he is with a beautiful wife who cares for him and makes him happy and some beautiful children who are his whole world; I do want all of that for him and more, but I wouldn't have to be around.
As for me, I would like to find someone like that dear, but forbidden love friend, in my life, but that will never happen, he was unique and irreplaceable, nor do I want to open up again to letting someone enter my life and make me excited by treating me as beautiful as he did, I just want to occupy all my time and mind in important things and that have nothing to do with strengthening relationships with people.
I would just need to improve myself and be, not the best, I'm content to do something well and be something like: support for my closest friends, help them; Just as I once did with someone I loved so much, help them improve and make them believe in themselves, even though I sometimes doubt my abilities and whether I am worthy of something that I can achieve with years of effort and work.
I just hope I can survive the great hatred that exists in this cruel world against everything different and out of the mold; I just hope one day I will be able to feel better and maybe if there is someone in some corner of this small planet who kidnaps my heart, although contradictory to what I have thought, that feeling better alone, human beings can change from one moment to the next. another of opinion thanks to his sometimes uncontrollable emotions.
He still occasionally writes to me and tries to convince me to accompany him to the cinema or visit him, I told him that I was not feeling well emotionally and needed time for myself. He let me know that when I feel better he will be there for me, that he hoped I would feel better; he said he thought I was a very good person and that he appreciated me very much.
"The worst goodbye is the one that is not said, or the one that was never explained"
I'll end with that phrase, I have no idea who the hell invented it, I found it on Google and I think it stuck with me.
Merci pour la lecture!
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