TW Suicidal thoughts, mention of depression, anxiety and PTSD
Hello my name is Lucy and I am 18 years old. What people would call an adult but it doesn't feel like that. I don't feel adult like nor do I want to be because it seems this kind of life is stressful and painful. You get no escape from it, no freedom. As soon as your an adult you have to deal with everything and the worst thing you're not even prepared properly. 18 years is the worst age to be in my opinion. All you wish for is that you can be 17 again. I have been 18 for 5 months, my birthday was on 7th March and to be honest it wasn't that exciting.
None of my birthdays were really that exciting well not as exciting as I keep hoping they might be. It isn`t full of presents or gifts. My mum wasn`t around for my birthdays anymore when I was 9 and there were two years were I couldn`t celebrate it with her. At the time it made me really sad because she is a part of my family but I was fine with it as soon as I could see her again and I never really celebrated my birthday again with her and just with my father. He just got me one to four presents and told me to be grateful because he barely had any money even though he had enough for two families to live comftably.
I didn't have much money and it was hard for me to buy new things for myself like clothes, shoes, a phone case, any games I would like but I could live without games since I have many books to read from my favourite author Jacqueline Wilson. The other things I did need though and whenever I tried to bring it up he said he would sort it when he had holidays but every holiday he just sat at his computer doing this meaningless animation of doctor who which was just for me and him. He would never put it out there though I know and he never spent time with me on the weekends really or when he got home from work.
He just sat at his computer either doing the animation or doing work which was understandable but I felt that he just wanted nothing to do with me because it hurt to much to look at me and remember that my mum left him because she was gay and I felt that deeply hurt him but he pushes it down like how he is trans female probably but won't accept it because he is too ashamed. I know that his parents won't accept his coming out and he probably doesn't want to lose them. It is making him into a terrible person though.
So anyway on my 18th there was nothing special it was just like any of my other days the difference was I got a few gifts and was let off chores. I just got one present for then and it was another book but this one was on my list. It was about mental health and I just said it was for college because he said if I was ever in bad place mentally he would send me straight to a mental health hospital no questions asked. It wasn't for my best interests no, it was for him so he wouldn't have to deal with me. That honestly hurt me deeply because I thought he would have cared about my health at least but I guess not.
The day of my 17th wasn't much better than my recent but I didn't have the stresses of adulthood that I have now. I could still act like a teenager and not have to be completely mature all the time, I mean I guess I did when I was 16 but it wasn't pressured as much then since I was still young. 18 has teen in it, you're stilll a teenager technically and not completely an adultt till your 20 but to most people you have to be mature and can't act younger than you are. I hated that since age really was just a number and how you acted had nothing to do with it.
Some children are mature even before 18 and know skills most adults don't learn till their early 30's. I wouldn't say I was mature. I mean I knew the basics like how to cook, clean clothes, dishes and empty the bins but I got taught them. 18 is the age they say you're an adult now so act like it. You can't refuse or say no, you can't run away you have to face it no matter how much you don't want to. I know I dreaded my 18th, feared it in fact because on that day everything would change. I could no longer be the shy girl or the quiet girl, the titles I've been hiding behind, my safety to keep others away so I couldn't get hurt when they left. That went the day I became the age where society says you can only depend on you.
To be honest the only person I could depend on was me because I was hurt way too much in the past. There were others that I trusted my life with in fact which is hard to believe but true. There was my mother I trusted her with everything but she turned me away didn't care about what was going on at my dads and refused to believe me. I wasn't as close to her now and chose to not see her as much because she hurt me more than most people could. She made it like my dad was this perfect angel that people demonised even though she had been through the same thing that I was going through.
When she finally decided to take me in I refused because I knew if she wanted me there was another meaning behind it. I knew it was just for money and so she didn't have to pay the bedroom tax anymore. It wasn't for my benifit, it was only for her and how could she be so selfish? I begged for help over and over, every time she said no but one time she decided to agree but in the end it was just for her not for me. She didn't care about the situation that I was in, she never did and no matter how many times she says she loves me or cares about me I know it was a lie.
You have to fight you're own battles cause no one else will even dare to. No one knows I've been doing that since I was 11, just having made it into high school but already damaged by my parents, life and bullies. I was bullied before high school by the popular girls because they felt they were better, prettier than me and I seemed like an easy target. My home life was already torture since my mum left when I was in 4th grade. I couldn't see her again till I was 11 thanks to my father but only saw her once every two weeks. I felt alone then because she helped me when I was having trouble with nightmares.
Yes maybe she disregarded them but she made me feel safe. I cried every night for her but knew my attempts were pointless and one night the tears stopped coming. By 11 I was made to do some house chores not out of my choice, it had to be done or there would be consequences. I also had to walk home alone then since my dad said he had to at that age. I was glad I didn't have to cook then but at 16 I had to and that was the most stressful time for me. I was doing mostly everything then and he said it was to teach me life skills if anyone asked about it.
My mental health got really worse in that time and I've been fighting my battle for 6 years of depression, anxiety and PTSD. I've had demons so long and I think they are winning or more like they won. I'm not even sure I'm bothering to talk about all this. Maybe as a way to leave some note behind since well I'm through with everything. This is my end and I'm done. I bet this is confusing for you because you don't even know me really. I've told part of my story and who I am but you can never know me really.
No one knows the real me and even I have no clue of who that could be after all that person does not exist and never got a chance to. I mean that didn't matter now that I was I near the edge of my life. My escape out of this hell that I could no longer handle. No one ever saw how I struggled, my dad didn't even notice I left which is the sad thing, he didn't care and maybe I'm taking away his chance to even try but he had thousands of chances already. It was never going to happen, he will never be any different than he is. That leaves me alone, completely alone so what was the point now?
The answer is none there is zero point to staying alive, when me jumping off the cliff I was edging closer to would give me the peace I so desperately needed. It felt like a lifetime as I made my way closer and closer to the water beneath. I was growing impatient willing myself to move faster but that wasn't possible. After so long I made it but my efforts were pointless because someone appeared there. I rolled my eyes hard looking the other way so they wouldn't see. I came all this way for my relief, to not be able to do it what a waste of time why did I even bother?
I looked over at the woman she seemed to be pretty. Her looks were flawless and I felt my heart paging in my chest. I never felt this way for another woman before. I mean I have but not like this. She looked perfect, maybe too perfect. To describe her she looked a few inches taller than me. I was kinda small like umm I'm 4'9 but I try not to let it bother me. I mean at least my travel tickets aren't expensive thanks to my height and body. What else I saw was her hair, it looked so shiny and was in neat little waves. Her skin seemed soft but unhealthily pale.
Her physique seemed to be healthy though so it confused me. I looked to her lips and they looked so soft and plump. I wondered what it would feel like to kiss them but shook that thought away. I'm not gay, why is my mind doing this. I can never have a relationship anyway since I'm not really interested in sex. I mean yes I might enjoy it but I don't need it. My dad told me no one would get with me because of that. I looked down to her chest and a** then blushed. I looked away after sometime and back to the shimmering water which I can't dive into now.
Would have been nice, I mean I know drowning is likely painful but it is the way I chose when I was 16. Maybe she goes and then.....
"Beautiful view isn't it," she randomly said.
I stared in shock at her voice, it was kinda deep but soft. It gave me this weird feeling in my stomach something I never felt before.
"Y...yeah it is," I replied.
She smiled with those beautiful lips and she looked so pretty doing it.
"Mind me asking why you're here?" she questioned.
I wasn't sure how to answer since if I told her the reason she might get me sectioned or something I wasn't sure how that worked. My father threatened it a few times if I ever dared try to speak of my mental health. I just stayed silent staring at the water not sure what else to say and then left when she was distracted because honestly I didn't want to get attached to anyone. It was a fail today but tomorrow it would work for sure. For now I go back and pretend everything is normal.
Merci pour la lecture!
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