Background Music: Francisco Sola - I'll be gone
I woke up back in my small room, dark from the hour of midnight. I breathe sigh of relief from the nightmare I just relived. I don't understand why this nightmare just won't go away, probably my punishment or something. The air was cold, the night was silent but also shone a strange blue. I could feel another presence on the other side of this bed, soft breathing coming from the body next to me. I could tell who it was even if I didn't look at her. She was my wife, young and beautiful as how I always imagined her to be.
I didn't want wake her up though, this problem I have I can deal with it myself now. She looked soo peaceful tonight, just having a break from all of this, going through soo much stress with life treating her and me unfairly. I slowly roll over to my side of the bed facing away from her and sat up at the edge of the mattress, very delicately to avoid waking her up as even though she isn't a light sleeper, she can be woken up from the slightest inconvenience.
I hear a soft moan coming from behind me. She seems to have woken up anyways regardless of how careful I was. I wish I could say that I apologised to her for ruining her only chance at a restful night's sleep with my problems, that I consoled her back to sleep and held her in my arms until she's dozed off as she always loved to. Her only time off in the insanity of life and she is the one that has to spend it consoling me instead on a problem that no longer concerns her. She turns over to cling onto me but only feels the slight warm spot I slept at. She must've noticed as well that I've gotten out of bed and found me soaking in my self-wallowing. "K? Is everything alright?" .
I turn to look at her, trying to keep a smile as best as I can to reassure her, "It's... it's nothing Lily. Everything's fine." Of course, this wasn't enough to convince her that everything was fine. I could tell that she could see me holding back my emotions and was just putting up an act to keep the mood from dampening even more.
She get's up from the bed with a small yawn and sleepily crawls over to me, wrapping both of her arms over my shoulders with the right arm wrapping around my neck to her left arm and with a simple squeeze, her warmth brings back the old familiar comfort that I am used to.
She's leaning her warm body against my back, with her arms around my neck and shoulders and the slight overpowering scent of her perfume surrounds us, the ones she wore some time ago. She gives me a quick peck on my cheek before asking softly, "What's wrong Kal? You haven't been yourself lately. I know how you are when you are bothered by trouble, trust me I could tell. You know you can tell me anything right? Because I know that if I needed to talk to someone, you're my shoulder I could cry on. So come on, you can tell me what's going on."
I was soo lucky to have someone like her in my life, even if you only get one once in your lifetime... I trusted her completely in everything in our lives as did her, from the smaller details to topics as important as our future and having children, but despite that fact, I don't think I could ever bring myself to do such a thing as revealing this secret, at least not in this case.
I am conflicted with myself, with wanting to dismiss her worrying as nothing to worry about and telling her the truth about what really happened and who she really is. I don't know if I have the strength to tell her everything, or what would happened if she knew the truth, but my will to live decays every single day because of it and as time goes on, everyday will be a struggle that will inevitably grow until I lose my sanity. But if it's with her, at least we'll go together like we've promised.
I let out a small sigh, not of annoyance or any negative expression, but because I can't bring myself to tell her this secret that will undoubtably scarr the both of us. "Lily, sigh... it's really nothing. Just a bad dream is all, I hope." Even though I knew she wouldn't believe me, that was the story I was holding onto. I couldn't let her know, a little selfish of me to keep such a big secret away from my only family, I know but it would destroy her inside and whatever life we had. I may never see her again if I did tell her, it's something I can't let happen again.
I didn't need to see her face to tell she had given me a loving look of concern and wanting to melt away those feelings with her affection. With a soft sigh, she just held onto me until my heart beat returned to a normal pace. Maybe she also felt me coming back to my calm state-of-mind, because she just let go of me and sat next to me at the edge of our beds. "Was it the same dream again?" There was no denying that she already knew what was causing me insomnia, at least a part of it, especially when I reluctantly agreed to her curiosity.
"I can't get it out of my head, it's always the same dream every time, I feel like I'm going crazy every night I wake up, and one of these days, I might just wake up a different person altogether." While it's true that this has been a problem affecting me ever since that event, it was only part of the problem in the overall scheme, I was hoping it would distract her away from the real problem.
"Here..." she said scooting herself a little to the side seemingly making distance between us "...lay your head here." She patted her lap and I followed her instructions, laying down my head on her thighs facing the walls away from her. She waited a bit while stroking my hair in between her fingers before continuing on. "Do you want to talk about it? It's okay if you don't want to yet, we can talk about it later. Just lie here until you are feeling better and we can go back to sleep. "
I didn't want to let this work her up all night, but I told myself it couldn't hurt to relieve some stress of my own and decided, "No, it's okay Lily. It's better to talk about this now. The times good for it."
The dream began happening a couple months ago nearing around the time of Lily's incident. I am at my home standing in front of the front door getting ready to leave, dressed semi-formally in a vest and tie. I wore the necklace she had bought for me a couple months into our relationship, except instead of the word "Life" that made up the necklace were the word "Live". I have her birthday present ready in my hand, wrapped up in green wrap and an even darker green ribbon bowtie . I opened the door and there were two officers who greeted me as soon as I did. I asked them if anything was wrong, and I could feel a sort of atmospheric tone change within the dream. They were confused about what I was doing and asked where I was headed to. I explained to the both of them that there was an important meeting with my wife that I had to attend and if it was information they wanted, we could arrange it for another day. Both the officers seemed baffled as they stare at eachother, maybe appalled at the galls I had to seemingly order them around. The male officer then took off his hat and asked if I wanted to see her first before I leave. I was confused and didn't understand what he meant from it, until he nodded towards something behind me.
(Background music starts)
I turned to look at what the officers were indicating towards, and that's when I saw it. Behind me was not my home anymore, it was almost as if my front door was taken from somewhere else and integrated into this place, it felt out of place like it didn't belong or we were never meant to be here. There was a two way road starting from the front door leading on into the distance as far as I could see. It was dark, a small field to my right around a glowing pond. Grayer clouds were obscuring the skies and police vehicles were located on the sides of the roads flashing red and blue colors with a yellow tape around it's secured area. Despite the yellow tapes, there was a pathway I could follow leading right into the crime scene. When I got to the center of it, I realised that there had been an accident here.
I still didn't understand why I needed to see this, why I needed to know what happened here but I continued on. One of the cars that was involved in the accident was mines. Someone had came in from the side and pinned down the driver's side of my car in a T position, but there wasn't anyone in both cars. I looked around the area for a bit and discovered a bloody wallet on the ground. I cried out as soon as I saw the I.D. picture in the wallet, and ran as fast as I could back to the cars. In the passenger's seat of the car pinned down.. was Lily, all bloodied and unresponsive. There was no way for me to safely get her out of the car, no chance for me to save her, no way for me to stop this from happening.
The female police from the two officers ealier called to me, saying that they found this in the car and to deliver it to someone they assumed to be me. It was a wrinkled, beaten down bloody white box with a Tag and the words "Be happy, I love you" I opened the box and found my necklace inside, the one that said "Live". I turned to look at you again, but you were not in the car anymore. You were standing by the middle of the road, still bloody from the wreck carrying your blue purse on your right shoulder just staring blankly back at me. Your eyes seemed watery with tears and as you waved towards me, you gave me a beautful smile as if to part from me.
I cried my eyes out again and again trying to get back to you, but then I woke up.
There was silence for a short while, no words exchanged or sounds of comforting solace for the time being, there was only us and the silent moon. I begin sobbing quietly and she continued to comfort me.
"It's ok now Kal, it was just a nightmare. You don't have to worry about it. Just listen to my voice and the silence, and let your sadness melt away."
How can I though? No matter how hard I tried, I can never ever forget such a thing, or how horrific a nightmare each night is. It would be the same as forgetting your own name, and that is something impossible for me to accomplish. Dispite that, I really tried these past few months to forget everything that happened, to just ignore it as if nothing ever did. But you can't ignore something you see every night, especially when every dream's the same experience.
My eyes begin to water up, and a single tear drips down my eyes and onto the floor, "Lily, thank you for being here with me. It means soo much to me that you care unconditionally about us. It's something I wish can happen every single day."
There was a sudden change in her as if she was questioning herself. She stops fumbling around with my hair and seems to be confused at my words, not understanding if I meant anything other than what I said. "But I am here everyday, am I not?" I was about to answer her back with a single 'yes' but she continued on with a nervous laugh, "What do you mean by 'every single day'? Am I somewhere or something?"
A panic begins slowly building up in my stomach, and a faint adrenaline starts pulsing throughout my body preparing to explain myself.
"No, you are here Lily, every single day, don't take this the wrong way. It's just that one day, you will reach the end of your rope and that will be the end of everything. I just don't know what will happen once I'm there alone, that's all." My mind starts to race and anxiety begins running scenerios in my head, hoping for the best of the options to play out. Doubt begins to make me question if she's catching on or not, and to find a fix to this as quick as possible if she does begin to suspect. I don't want to find out what happens if she figures out the truth.
"Kalvin... why are you acting like this?" Lily reached for an answer with an irritated voice. If Lily is calling me by my full name, it was her way of letting me know her patients are being tested
"I told you before didn't I? I know how you act when you are troubled, I also know how you act when you're hiding something from me." She seemed stern about prying that information out of me, but I would also be lying if I said a little part of me didn't want to tell her. "Please, don't push this any further, just let it go. please."
She sighs and slides herself away from under your head in a huff and walks over to the dresser pinned to the wall I was staring at only a moment ago. She has one hand on her hip and her other hand face-palmed onto her head. She turns arounds with a slight annoyed expression and calmly asks "Are you hiding something from me? Didn't we promise not to have any secrets from eachother? You have to tell me this if we're going to keep our promise."
You sit up on the bed, jumpy from her frustration, begging her not to push this subject any further than it already has, "I can't tell you this, anything but this, please. I can't lose you, I won't lose you, not again." She gives you a confused look, not understanding the direness of the consequences. "What are you talking about? Why can't you tell me!? What do you mean by 'not again'? Is it that you can't, or you won't? Did it have something to do with my past?"
"You said to me before that you can tell me anything, no matter how troubling it'll be. Why is this secret of yours different from the rest of the things you told me in the past?" I had no reply to answer back with, because she was right that we never did keep secrets. "Because..."
I was at a loss for words trying to figure out what to say. However, there is no justifying your reasoning with any more lies at this point, you see your world beginning to fall apart and you can no longer fight it anymore, your eyes slowly tear up with a single line rolling down your cheek. You decide to be honest with her, and let the truth free the both of you, "Because, you're the nightmare."
She was a little puzzled when I finally revealed the secret, when the truth of the situation came to light.
She spoke in a high and surprised tone, "What? What do you mean I'm the nightmare? I don't understand."
Even though I didn't want to continue, there was no disuading her anymore, "You still don't remember, do you? The car crash happened not too long ago. It's still ingrained deep in my mind, all of it, from the place at the top of that hill to holding your lifeless body.
Lily didn't want to believe what I had just said and wanted better explainations "What are you talking about, car crash? You're telling me the car crash from your nightmare really happened?" I was reluctant to give her my answer, but it's unfair to keep any secrets apart from eachother especially with my promise to her and I decided to tell her everything. "Alright, if you really want to know, I'll tell you..."
(Background Music plays)
"We were on our way to a party late into the night. I was driving us in our car up to a friend's overlooking the city in a hillside. I had just made a left turn into an intersection onto a road when all of a sudden, a car behind us drove at high speeds and rear ended us into a tree. I was dazed from the impact from my head hitting the steering wheel, and when I recovered from it, I saw you slowly bleeding out of your chest from a branch impaling your heart and blood gurgling out from your mouth. I called an ambulance as soon as I could but we were too far away from help, they wouldn't have made it in time to save you. I tried to help you out of the car, but it would've just made you bleed out faster, and all I could do was hold on to you and cry, telling you everything was going to be fine. With your last breath you breathed, you spoke a single word to me, you told me, 'live'."
"I just wanted to forget it all, maybe just put a gun to my head and end everything at that point. But that's when the dreams started, you appearing in my dreams. At first, I was soo happy with being able to see you again, but eventually the nightmares started showing up as well, the crash, the blood, and you as you were at that time. It brought back the memories and the pain that I desperately wanted to get rid of, but I still kept my promise to your last words to me. You wanted me to live on right?, Even if it's without you. It's been a couple months already, but the pain is still too near for me to forget. I didn't want to tell you this, because I didn't want to hurt you even though you're not real, because you still exist in my mind, in my dreams and in my life."
I rested my head on my hands and just cried while I let her take in all I've just said. I didn't know what was going to happen now, if she was going to leave or not. It was a short while before Lily spoke her final words for tonight "Please, keep your promise K." I heard the door to the room open and close before I can even look up from my hands.
Suddenly, I'm aware of me all alone in my room, crying to myself and seemingly talking to no one in sight. Lily's gone for tonight, and it seems as if everything never really happened, that it was all in my head and my imagination, from the wrinkles of the bedsheets to her soothing touch and strong perfume. I wonder just how many times I have to experience this before it all goes away. I don't know how much more of this I am capable of enduring, but I made a promise to Lily, to continue living on without her and to move on, that's what I intend to do. I'll always love you Lily, and it's soo hard for me to say goodbye, but it's time for me to try and move on. One day, I'll say goodbye to you for the last time. and we can both move on then. Goodbye for now.
Merci pour la lecture!
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