What does it mean to be sorry, when there is no hope for righting all wrongs? To atone for all sins? But is there any regret, because the hope of atonement for that sin has been lost?
Ah, if that was the case, perhaps it would not be that heavy for all the sins to suppress Kartini's soul. But isn't it the other way around? That the more hope is lost, the harder the regret is pressing? Kartini staggered out of a room in Ken Peitai's office (Japanese Military Police).
Her eyes blurred fixed in a pale face. Her slippers shuffled across the spooky floor of the building. Her left hand gripped the shoulder of Rusli who was guiding her, while I held her right arm. The poor woman was very weak and listless she seemed, as if a lifeless lump of flesh was being dragged across the floor.
Japanese Kenpei soldiers and officers crowded the alleys and in the rooms we passed. Everyone seems very sluggish too. Like piles of meat, they are also helpless. There are also those who are still laughing, as if they don't want to be seen as a helpless lump of flesh. But it sounded contrived to laugh.
Two weeks ago they still thought they were meat-eating lions. Now it has been eaten by a lion. They had been crushed by the Allied and Russian armies. meat that you want Yes, sic transit gloria mundi! In the world nothing is permanent, nothing is eternal, nothing is eternal. Everything changes, everything moves, everything grows and dies. That which is eternal is only that which is eternal, that which remains is only that which is permanent, that which is eternal only that which is eternal.
But what is that, humans don't know, because eternal, permanent, eternal is the meaning of time, while time is the sense of size. And the size is set by humans too. Whereas humans think that humans are determined by the Eternal.... Thinking like me too, are the lions who have now become piles of meat? Kartini's slipper was dragging on the floor. The three of us said nothing. She was too impressed by the news that had just been heard two or three minutes ago. Especially Kartini.
Slowly. Rusli guides the weak woman. Kartini stumbled walking. His head bowed. Nose buried in handkerchief wet with tears. That humans live in the midst of their fellow creatures. Doing services or sins against fellow life. Feeling happy, when she has been instrumental. Atoning for the sins against whom she sinned.
But to whom should she atone for her sins, must express her regret, if the person against whom she sinned is no longer, has died? To God? Because God is the source of all love, which forbids humans from sinning against their fellow creatures? But how? To other humans? Because humans are of the same opinion, that committing sin is an act that is forbidden? But how? In fact, it all asks for a way. Asking for a way because living in this world means carrying out all inner and outer relationships between us as humans and our fellow creatures, with Nature and its Lovers. And the organization of all these communications requires a way.
The best way, the fairest way, the most beautiful, the most precise, but also as practical as possible and as useful as possible for the life of all. That's what I thought while supporting Kartini who was limp and stumbling.
An hour ago, .. . no! Even five minutes ago there was still a fire of hope burning in Kartini's heart, even though it only flickered a little like a midnight candle that was slowly suffocating with excitement. Now that hope is completely dead. Since five minutes ago. There was no longer any grip for him. We left the spooky building. Kartini almost fell when she came down from the stairs of the building, if the two of us didn't support her. We stepped on the page. Staggering still Kartini. Scratched by the soil of the drag slipper. Hope has been completely lost. Disappear thinning like steam. It's gone without a trace.
Hasan has in fact died. A few minutes ago it was only known by Kartini. Apparently Hasan's weak body with the disease was unable to cope with all the tortures of Kenpei's cruel executioners. Where is he buried? Who knows. When did he die? I don't know. As a sick person by a junu cared for, thus Kartini was supported and guided by Rusli. I peeked beside him. Once in a while I hold her arm, when she sways to the side tears welled up in her eyes. It was as if he was standing on a world she didn't know anymore.
Empty, empty, completely blurred like in a dream. There was no one anymore, to whom she wanted to show the regret that had so heavily suppressed his soul for so long. Yes, to whom? To whom? And no regrets for asking that question. On the contrary! The bigger, the more pressing, the more oppressive. How easy it would be, if Hasan was still there, still alive beside her. Kartini will be more loyal to him, will be more devoted to him, will be submissive and obedient to all his orders. In short, all her regrets will be easily repaired, all her sins will be redeemed.
But now? Now?! Pray, fast, meditate? Will all regret melt away? Suddenly Kartini screamed. Her voice pierced my heart like the sound of nails on a slate. The Japanese Kenpei soldiers and officers crowding the front of the building all turned their heads towards us with a bit of shock, as if they had only heard this grievous scream for the first time.
But a moment later the slanted yellow faces turned indifferently again. They crouched down again, as if each of them continued the question to himself: what fate shall we find now? Not even a week ago the government had succumbed to the forces of the Allies and Russia. Kartini sobbed.
Rusli tried his best to persuade her, to cover her sorrows. He painstakingly expressed his opinion as if it would be of much use as consolation, "Yes, Tin, human life is short, but humanity is old, so he said, forget all your sorrows and work harder. Work for humanity..."
