daniel-west- Daniel Scott West

Life after diagnosis memoirs of a man with bipolar disorder and his search for a mystic balance


Récits de vie Interdit aux moins de 18 ans. © Charming Print Publications (c.)2010

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Straight out of The State Hospital

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where it all began for me anti psychotics and anti depressants just before my Eleventh Birthday. I was a boy scout an acedemic reader and manic depressive. behavior modification started the moment I went into foster care this was the second foster home after living with my sibling and my mother this new foster care was home. the horror stories where only stories and had nothing to do with me. my mother was medicated and fell into deap depression often. as I said eleven was the time that I became what I was a boy scout an eagle within four years and honor role by high school.

It is nice to know people like Christian Ackerman of fastcoast productions who teaches children the basics of film making in hopes to see them become film makers and adult who want to make films make them. and Raven Digitalis teaching empathy to adults who knows first hand the characteristics of the narsasist and the sly minipulation of those who have empathy or my brother the successfull archetect delivering speaches and handing out awards when he isn't controlling the chaos as a construction site. these are friends and family that are effected by my actions every day. my interactions have simply faded as my disorder manifested in the most difficult time of my life. I am grateful for all of you. I have never been married however hope to be one day some one to be forever young with until we die of boredom and give back to the earth. I am not a vergin and as you will read am a gentleman through and through.


I am grateful for the family I have, and am in constant contact with them as I am writing I am staying with them for this Thanksgiving Holiday am planning to go back to Seattle Washington by the first of December.


they have always been a great support in all that I do and will always be there. not everyone is so lucky many people suffer isolation and displacement issues with their diagnosis and as I have been homeless for most of my adult life many end up in state hospitals and rest homes before they find any family members that they feel safe with.


my limitations are minimum however the biggest hurtle will always be with stigma and ignorance of mental illness and disorders like mine. jobs I have worked pertain to the sanitation positions that are most common and I do not feel that I am adding to the stigma by working the staritipical job of washing dishes. most people that I have met with mental illness diagnosis and disorders seem to be afraid to take on a job however there are those who do and even with the possibility of worsening symptoms they go out and work, I think it does the mind and body good to do something with your hands. ignorance is always compared to ambition.

I have three handycaps one TBI tramatic Brain Injury, ADHD Attention Deficit Disorder and Bipolar with Manic psychotic features I have had the second two my whole life the First I got in a fight in Albuquerque New Mexico 2019 going back to the original diagnosis I was given in 1994 when I was 11 years old. my mother was bipolar two with depressive psychotic features and my grandmother schizophrenic I guess over the generations the illness has been getting better. I was always under estimated and an over achiever that stigma could hardly lable as I was placed in the structured learning program and in mainstream classes at the same time. structured learning program was designed for behavior modification and most of the students have had issues with the law their entire adolescence at Eleven it was the only place for someone medicated as I was. I became a boyscout then an eagle, and was on the honor roll by the time I graduated from High school. was given an Einstein achievement award for math and science and a letter in art. with my diagnosis all was very unlikely however is true.

I am now preparing to go back to Seattle Washington to live and work and wish to take all my friends and family with me, of course that is not logical however community and communication will be a greater effort as I head back into the swing of things there. reaching out when you need help is essential for recovery and over all wellness we don't know the impact of a conversation until it comes back as a reminder.

The OAO Temple Haus in upper Miller Creek Road in Missoula Montana of Wich I spent over a year attending before joining the clergy for about six months. I wish I could have stayed my life at the time would not allow it however in that year and a half I learned a lot and dedicated myself completely to the craft rites and community service as we where designed to do by the free masons of Missoula.


Now that Raven Digitalis is living in Hawaii I don't know how his Temple Haus has passed to others I wonder who in Missoula Montana is running a coven of community service acult workers. nun the less the education continues as I collect books online and study the cultures that make society great from birth to death we all have purpose.


living in Seattle Washington I have hopes to find a community of practioners that balance the mystical world with everyday reality based structure with medical ethics that are easy to follow and sound in the spiritual gatherings that lead the community service that I love from coven work. magic with a day job.

am in Seattle Washington I am looking for a coven perhaps one like the OAO of Missoula Montana that is connected to the University of Washington, the local free masons and so on. with my part time job I should have no problems working with the teachers and healers of the city. I do miss the OAO and hope to stop by when I am in Missoula Montana.


if imagination is greater then logic then my IQ should be lower. I feel that one could not function without the other therefore are equal. as I write my stories I find it hard to keep the characters coherent without using my own life experiences however I have no experience with criminal thinking so my villains are bland at best. I hope to correct that with some creative rethinking of each character as if they grew up with me and I was safe from their tyrates and antics. I pull from poetry more then I do my journals and hope to see better results in the Future. I have finished over a dozen short stories in 20 years however never got myself to put them anywhere better then the nearest garbage can. it is supposed to improve writing however any writing does that even if you keep every page as I do now.

growing up I am the third generation of mentally ill my mother and her mother are directly in the line of severe mental illness my grandmother was diagnosed with schizophrenia soon after my mother was born and my mother was diagnosed with bipolar 2 soon after high school as I was in Middle school with bipolar 1. the trend seems to be getting better. each generation mending better then the one before. my mother did two things in my life that will always be with me rest in peace prepared me for her eventual death and worried about my health from the first signs that I was like her she pushed me to get accurate testing she wanted the best care for me as possible. I miss her every day. and have been consistent about making Shure I remain as healthy as possible.


community service is the effort to help others with needs as a light worker it's our own experiences that helps people our stories make the safety net of community. as we grow in understanding we grow our neighborhoods with safety.


Thinking of family and the members of my family that I was away from I miss my grandfather who are this time is still alive his displacement has kept me and others like my uncle and younger sibling away. can't force people to want to be near as it was with me for most of my toung adult life. dieing alone it seems is what some members of my family expect as they get older the thought of younger members around seems to remind that life ends. I do have family that wants to be closer and I appreciate them since community is extremely important to me. My Brother and aunt Deanna are searching for community are helpful and are close.

all would never have happened if my medication wasn't there. looking back after the final trip to the state Hospital I can relate my misfortunes on all that was when others was no medications and perhaps there will be a time I don't need medication again however I do at this time.


years I wondered doing what I could to not over think issues I was having with others and found myself losing years to the dillusional world of corruption. the only thing that was wrong was my preseptions brought on by anxiety. I am on so little that I can see why I wasn't given a medication for so long. it is not supposed to be permanent as was mentioned as I was placed into the care of the foster parents at Eleven.


how I feel now is better and I can only hope that what ever caused me so much hardship is gone for good. the struggle is real.


a life of joy is better then a life of bliss the tough time I had growing up has made me a gritty adult I mean that I am more logical then I would if perfection was offered. I was never good enough however I earned an Einstein achievement award in highschool for math and science a letter in art five scholarships and after graduation was a B+ student in college.


11 years old I joined the library of Congress and became a member of the order of the dragon the moment I was a boyscout. I was medicated and dedicated to show that I could keep up and the plight I thought I had was condition for something better like training for space or something. I am glad I had the support that I did however it was all on me. the state was pushing for hospitalization and I did what I could to keep it from happening.


my mother


Carol Ann Henry


born 1962 died 2020


I miss you mom and hope to take a long time to be with you. Rest in Peace


my first foster home was on my first birthday was in an orphanage for 6 months Jack and Jill's that got press for abuse and neglect we where locked in cribs like ginnie pigs and this was a crime that could have created my illness. The Johnsons where a good family and had many children before me I was a special needs child a tendency to Wonder however this would later be labeled ADHD and it barely effected how I got along with others. the second the ones that I mentioned before got me into boyscout and raised me from Eleven until high school the Muir's who adopted my sibling and the third from fifteen until graduation in 2000' the Finley's all three raised me as they're own.

"If I was to define obession it would be anything that motivates seen as passion". As any artist has a subject or focus bordering psychosis they are experts in what ever they put their minds to I am obsessed with the descriptions of immortal gods and compare us mortals to them. finding a healthy balance is function to much energy is disfunction of madness.


my current obsession is soundclowd and the music that helps me focus that I am making and using all I want is to make money on my Obsessions.


balancing work with practice I intend to find a community within the entertainment industry a place perhaps a cable access station here in Seattle Washington where magical clergy can gather and share magic principles hermetic and simple and creat the do works that benefit community within the city. It is important to give back not just to the end of life but throughout our lives. We not only feel better we leave this world better then we found it.


Keeping up with myself and doing what I can to emprove my work I am not just a poet and I have written over a dozen short stories over the last 20 years in hopes to write something greater then a short story I have recycled them until now as my method got better so did letting go of my work to start over Wich I still feel is nessisary as a writer to do. as you let go to write another story the memory of what you have written guides you down a better newer path of free writing that you could not have achieved any other way and all your work reflects it. from dialogues to events of the characters changes happen to come from prievouse encarnations of the work you wrote. like a rebirth each character is reinvented in a new story. and this madness or obsession is worth all the ink in the world now I am starting from my 11 journals from the state hospital and separating each event and interaction with journal and poem I find my method that is best is most excellent for the two or three dozen short stories that will be published. the method took 20 years however as my wards count got shorter I had to be more persistent in telling the story. Jaded the Crime story should be done by June and a longer version by the end of 2022. I separated my style into two categories one crime story or noir and the other fantisy using role play to tell my stories through RPG Shadowrun and reinactments from case studies I have cut my writing time down a lot. I look forward to sharing these stories as soon as I am done writing my second book of poetry and my memoire. Emerald City is an Ode to the City of Seattle Washington of Wich I live and have for over the last two years and is my second book of poetry, Freedom Call is my first and is a sad epic and a reflection of my transition out of the Montana State Hospital my first book of published Poetry and my Memoire that you are reading is my very first published memoir and probably won't be my last after all I'm only 40.


setting goals that are achievable a destination that is always changing is acomplishments that recreat our direction extending dreams from the imagination to reality. I dream often and plan on those dreams the poems that I have written and the stories that I am writing will lead me through the daily routines that slow down my ambitions. I dream of making movies so I write. I dream of greater achievements all the time and know by what I have learned from others that this is the way to live. we creat meaning or die of meaningless persuits.


I never wonder what I do or I mean why I do the things I do that leads to depression instead I think about my behavior and compare impact on others to myself. I don't seem to care what people think and it comes across as confedance. it simply does not matter to me if blurring out Shadowrun on the street or what I think of an actor. I think that harmless acts are not so crazy. perhaps it has made me a target however I see it as an opportunity to respond to what ever comes.

The first foster home The Johnsons has me from 1 until I was 4 and for 6 years I lived with my mother and brother. I was a happy child.


I was Born October 12 1981 a melenial and the first born of two growing up in a poor neighborhood after 4 years in a Foster home one year after I was born the trailer that I remember was in east Missoula or Eastmo as it is called today the ghetto and home. I had only my brother and my mother and life seemed good however my mother's psychosis would put my brother and myself in danger we relied on the community for everything esspecially care services. we went to summer camp with scholarships and support from the University and various family outreach services. We had used cloths and didn't complain.


My father


David Royal Emanuel West


born ? died 2010


Rest in peace.


was a veteran on the United States Marine Corpse Honorable discharge suffered from coaching psychosis and died of brain cancer. I know very little of him. however I am in constant contact with his sister Deanna West my Aunt and friend. and hope to improve on this memoire untill I have all the needed information about him Rest in Peace.

November 2021 finished a 90 day evaluation 3 days ago and am about to fill my prescription on Monday.

June 2021 was arrested and put into jail before being sent to the State Hospital for another 90 days.

stigma of mental illness puts men and women behind bars and incarcerated for long periods of time. we need to evolve our science pertaining to treating those that seem to bother rather then incarcerate until hospitalized we need a system of recovery that educates the community about treatment and tharopy; nun the less I have been placed in a duality of the legal structure of Montana and the science of psychiatry. I am working on my wellness and hope with this book others do to. medication is not supposed to be permanent however it is for many people suffering from diagnosis of chronic illnesses of the mind such as me and bipolar disorder. my spiritual path does not lead away from science it supports it with references to alchemy the origins of pharmacy and psychiatry, the universal symbols help those who suffer understand and navigate through psychosis and identify to those who are looking for the rout cause of the disorder or disease for instant physical trama such as a head wound can manifest in a fear of penitration or rape. the muscles in the body respond differently and the over all reaction to stimuli effecting memory a cycle of reactions that effect stress. full body trama. medication effects the stimuli and the stress however the wound is still effecting physical reaction. my bipolar is compounded with TBI and ADHD which puts me in a constant state of recovery. medication helps a lot with only 30 mgs of Abilify I am functional.

I have been hospitalized 3 times for bipolar disorder and find remedies to recover usually not medicated due to the severity of my disorder however this time my trama reaction needed more effort and so I am happily on my new medication of Abilify and am doing Great. 3 months of raising the levels up to an adiquet level and am stable enough to practice magic again. looking for a coven of practitioners similar to the OAO of Missoula that I was clergyman of in 2017.

my effort to remain logical placed me in the catagory of clinical empathy and spychic balancing intuition with common sense is part of who I am and am listed as a psychic bully or a powerful psychic. high functioning bipolar with a self driven code of ethics that allow me to articulate and disect a scenario overall an anylisit of patrons to any given coven. conflicts of personality can be resolved with constructive observations.

this however is only good if you can relate to reality or the combined perspectives of others. Abilify inhanced my reasoning and deduction skills bipassing the trama stresses of TBI and ADHD.

since leaving the state hospital I have embraced myself deaper as a person with a disorder diagnosis then ever my medication is a greater part of my life. and relearning to function is part of that embrace I am not the same as I was without the medication and that is okay I am still me and better then ever. the issue is that the stigma or the ignorance of what is is not knowing how one would act if they where unmedicated we who are diagnosed don't stay in psychosis all the time we have moments as for me long moments of seemingly normal or rational behavior. it is the moments we don't seem coming that the medication is for and so a daily routine of taking medication along with our daily habits.

thinking back to when I was placed in the state hospital and comparing to now I feel that there was a greater benefit to going and I don't see how I will return. the medications that the hospital placed me with are what I rely on for balance that I didn't have before I am pleased with the amount and the effort given for the balance that I have.

knowing I will never be the same again a sadness overwhelms me nothing remains the same as it was people love life and grow old and die the facts stay the same and death is all that is sertain. I don't wallow over the years that places seised to be or the people how odd they seem these many years later I can only see with what I know and my home town is less then it has ever been new faces and stranger places. laten memory and all. I am and will always be a better version of myself. all I can hope is that there is some resemblance to life I lived before.

now that it has been weeks since I left the state hospital I am feeling better about calling my disorder an illness however I still don't talk about it unless it is a topic already. we all have a story and this epic has just begun I am 40 years old and still learning how to live.

Sumerizing my experiences with the state hospital. it was needed and nessisary however it wasn't a comfortable transition it was something that I could not see within my daily routines that needed to change. I am grateful for the efforts of those who knew more then me. I am now medicated and am writing this book with gratitude for the work that was done.

as I write I have been out of the state Hospital for three months and have been stable on my medication. I am changing things up a little as I add edited version of my journals to this memoire I think I need more depth and without life events unfolding I don't know how I will get the depth needed to complete this book.

the balance between magic and science begins and ends with science when you are sick you ask for a doctor when you are sad you ask for a healer I walk the line as we do in life with a spiritual awareness of life's end and the need to live as long as I can as healthy as possible. I am a pagan and refuse the idea that there is more then giving back to the earth when I die...simply not logical and the cycle is sacred when I die some day I want to be a ritual tool of ansestory education. future generations so those who follow know the path ends with giving back.


the balance between managing disorder with medication and the acult is within the routines or thatopies chosen wise crafting is to me anything you do to get a better understanding of the nature of things community is a big part of the acult and what we do for ourselves is what we could do for others. our enimy is narsasism.


A walk down Memory Lane the habits that i have formed a lifetime to form and the interactions that I have with others can be summed up with fears and comfermations intuition is just that regardless of trama one seeks balance with what he or she knows of the event from simple conversation to heated debate the possibility of violence keeps the bipolar topic in the fordront. I rarely talk about it in hopes to come across as average. however the perseption difference are obvious and if anyone knows what to look for they would say that I am only average to those suffering from a mental illness although mine is minimum it has greater effect in my every day habits. my depressive side is reflected in my poetry and my disorganized behaviors are from my manic side both effect each other greatly and can have a greater impact on my every day encounter with other people. I don't think about it until I am sending an entire day clearing out a hard drive from clutter in a manic episode or a weekend clearing out useless information from my stacks of journals. I feel old all the time and have since I was young.


living in the now can be tough for many people especially if they have ever been homeless. anxiety attack and a delusional moment is all it takes to leave everything you own behind. medication is what is keeping me from running into that again. no one is invisible. the mystic arts has tools to navigate the labrinth of reality that is overwhelming it's only limitation is the knowledge of the arts. without training one will need medication as I do. I have been a practitioner for over 20 years and still barely able to keep up.


I was first diagnosed with an illness at eleven years old and was against any treatment however had support with treatment until I was 25 years old and a few years later when I was diagnosed again with a disorder there was a treatment plan in place mostly tharopy with some medication as time went on with therapy and medication I was relieved from the need of medication due to the characteristics of my disorder and now at forty the need of medication is more then it was. that's life. it's not over yet. I am an artist, a poet, a musician and a film maker, however I haven't made a film since my early 20s I deal like it is still part of who I am.


of the coven that I was clergyman in so many years ago it has a new host the events have changes and that is life. I have been studying alone for many years since I was apart of the OAO and have gained myself in knowledge I hope when I do join another coven that my skills will be useful. lots to miss. the community services of the OAO are published with Raven Digitalis and his efforts to run a Freemason coven Haus has not been in vain. I will always hold onto what I learned as I practice alone.


balancing symptoms and working through routine daily life can drag and energy may be low. I hope to be the guy that grows beyond afermation and can report good news that benefit others in their journey through medicating and magic. Don't give up. Just because you have an illness don't give up on the arts that holds the world together. we base laws on the esoteric and hermetic and our daily loves are better for it. potions and herbal remedies increase awareness of the science involved in balancing chemistry that in earlier generations would lead to an early death. we learn and grow with the arts that simplify our natural world and help us transition through the stages of life into death. all that is natural goes away and what we leave behind is important to the future practitioners to live a life of peace. may they live longer then we where able to live.


I am different then I was before I was medicated my energy is low however I managed and can keep up at work I just started at a Seattle Washington cafe as a weekend dishwasher and even with different cognative issues do a good job. if anything could be different maybe a little less then what I am on however as I said I am managing well. it will be a year in the life before I know it and I can only hope that those who have suffered as I did find a Doctor to help them with their psychosis the stigma is my only issue the effects of the medication effect my behavior mindlessness it seems is part of the recovery I won't stop the medication however with all I have been through in fourty years I know better.





21 Novembre 2021 17:10 0 Rapport Incorporer Suivre l’histoire
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A propos de l’auteur

Daniel Scott West I am a writer who is enspired to write novels have experience writing poetry and shirt stories I have been writing for over twenty years and look forward to publishing one day.

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