Listening deeply to the sounds of the night as the sounds of joy and laughter drowns out, listen closely to the sounds of despair the cries of the children left out there. "What could we have done to deserve this" Dominique says to herself.
looking up to the heavens she questions "what is life that I should want it? How can I desire life if, my parents don't even want me? How can I desire life when I have no match to the very family I am in, yes we look alike but my heart is not like theirs, I do not fit in. why am I here? feeling so lost looking up to the stars in the crisp of the night. So many questions stirring so many confusing emotions."
" If I'm an abomination then kill me already " God, please. I don't want to be in this life I'm ready to go." Dominique yells speaking in a harsh tone as the tears flow down her facesitting in the dark, In a rage as a broken-hearted child. Constantly replaying the story that was told over and over in her mind. Bitting on her tongue in bitterness. shouting aloud "Why have so many kids if you don't want to love them that question please answer ?" "What is it about the drug that means more to them than us?" "Why does the bible keep saying I'm wicked because of who I come from? Why can't I ask why? most of all why am I here just to not be wanted ?" Life made no sense Dominique needed answers and could not find them and the pain inside of her set in all at once. As the pain burrowed deep down inside her inner parts. She spoke in such anger and hurt.
"I wish I could just die on my birthday I will be 12 soon because I'd rather die than hurt this bad." As the tears started getting heavier, she just started softly soothingly humming an unknown tune as peace became present to her humming Lord let me go.
Early Call rings through the house as Popop yells
" Domo get up! get up, get things done, get out the door get ready for school."
Almost right behind it from Wednesday to Monday it was Let's go get ready for church and back home again, back into the situations of being in the dark and alone over and over again, This played out throughout her whole childhood learning the word of God in a no-nonsense household, with a lot of secret nonsense going on in the same household. Spending most of her nights thinking about the depths of life most importantly where she could belong. Often coming up with nowhere. She began to speak on her thoughts out loud " We are the forgotten the lost that is of the darkest kind the abandoned and neglected rejected by the very womb well I am anyway."
Lost in the cruel reality that she is truly unwanted. This question always greeting her in the remaining hours of every late night.
"How can I expect another to love me when those that I come from discard me as if I'm nothing?"
Unsettled darkness seems to be about her as a child she makes sense of why she was even born to suffer for no reason or cause the paint to run deep. Spending night after night replaying the day she has first seen her mother's eyes. That is the day she first found out who she came from and this woman who she is to call mother came to tell her that She was starting over and didn't want her or her older siblings anymore and for them to stop looking for her, she was starting a new life a new family and that simply they were never apart of it. On this day the beginning would end before it started between Dominique and her mother. As she stood off Looking at her older siblings deeply in sorrow crying
"Mommy don't leave us." The strangest reaction to her words struck Dominique as her siblings were crying hysterically in a mess. with such an attachment to her Dominique being her baby girl at the time knew nothing about the woman she looked on. She has no feelings for her for this is the first time she would meet the woman called Mom and knew of her not. She would be the woman who abandons her in the world. Carrying very strong features you can tell they were related in Dominique's eyes, she ran to question her Pop-Pop and he was there in the den sitting already in tears. Dominique drops to her knees in front of him asking him
"Who is that woman and why are they crying over her? What does it mean? The soft kind embrace of her pop-pop brought tears to her eyes as he softly spoke "Domo worry not baby I love you and God loves you."
Dominique never was held by her mother. She had never nursed me at her breasts, she never told me she loved her she had neglected her from the womb full of drugs and lost and in despair laying there. As a premature drug baby in the 80s, there was no medical revolutionary procedure to save the children born on drugs. It was a process forcing the child to go through a withdrawal live or die kind of situation it was their was up for grabs. Dominique not having a single memory of the beginning of her life or how did she get to the place that they are all in the hands of one care. Dominique remembers the one-story deeply in her soul as it stirs up her spirit provoking her to bitterness and pain. Sometimes as a child I wonder
" The things that happen to bring people together it's supposed to be good what happens when it's not. It's never addressed ." A Constantly spinning mind on auto replay for years deep down in the dark of a lost girl's heart becoming defiant in school a complete role change from that mannerable church girl. She spoke to herself daily to dominate in all things considering there is none that will go against her, all those that rise she was standing over and hound and demand her respect. For the home that she has is hellbound destruction and corrupted that is only where Dominique will have no power.
There has always been a presence around her in a sense a good and evil One acting as a hand that draws her out of harm and leads her day and night. Something that opens her to speak her true feelings in the dark of the night. the naming force that makes her smirk for the love she has to passionately express herself only to myself in the dark when it hurts.
" let the poetry take me from pain to healing she often said to herself ". finding out she had a way with words speaking in poetry and sometimes it's something that came second nature in her most hurtful moments taken it as just that internal cry within her that's what those precious words were to mean to her inner being. Thinking to herself. Why do they peel so beautifully out of me I guess I'll take it for myself as a way to speak and express herself to herself only when she has something to make sense of within herself. A place of freedom a place to build in her mind.
The days never grew into each other they were all equally long and trying, you would say she lived in something like an orphanage House had a full cellar and attic from the outside the house look extraordinary one of the biggest on the Block and the best during holiday seasons. The odd thing is we're all real family in some type of way Great Aunt and uncle stepped in to become foster parents and legal guardians with so many just living in unfortunate situations. Growing Dominique was treated as if she was an outcast discarded. Her siblings were always lurking every moment looking around the corner for a chance to take revenge on her or to inflict some sort of hurt to make her feel that she was not welcomed or accepted. We say kids are right but broken children treat each other as such.
Often because she always told on their plans because they lived in the household of supreme strictness if one got in trouble they all got in trouble and the kind of beatings Dominique didn't want any of them. She always did the right thing and by doing so she had many days being tied and jumped and thrown in the closet and left alone hurting in the dark crying for some type of understanding, it only lied in the little in the crack through the door as she laid there reading the word trying to make sense of it all growing an overly religious household the Bible was the answer to everything in an attempt to change the efforts in the ways of the parents the guardians took the word and how they brought it up to the children serious. Dominique often sat and asked God
" I want to know what it feels to love to be loved by anyone." Entering into an imaginary safe place her place where she can cry continuously from the inside within herself. Year after year they all got older as the older siblings begin to leave the house, things were indifferent always something going on in the dark, living in the church and the streets was kind of dry place because the same streets they played in with needles and belts pretending and mimicking getting high. Watching smokers and shooters get high in the dark in the abandoned crack houses across from their house. Just a stone's throw away some things that you can see in the dark will scare you. if you can see the influence of the Spirit or demonic dealings in the dark.Meaning seeing into the true nature of things deep down into things. The spiritual forces that drive the things of the dark house have evil spirits that are walking freely. Late-night watching people overdose off heroin, as they fumble in the dark of the night. The flame of the candle lights giving this abandoned crack house a Dim glow. Dominque would look on in the still of the night as the belt was tired around an unknown woman's arms as the heroin melted on the spoon, the drag of a needle from the spoon onto her arm, as her head rolls back ànd her body slumps her mouth begins to foam. Watching as her partner shuffles to get the dope as he calls her "Shi Shi get up non-responding Shit he looks up and sees the eyes of Dominque watching him he runs out leaving her to die. It looked as if a spiritual being was on her as Dominque looked on she became scared within her whole self trembling but could not stop looking like a dark presence fills her room compelling her attention, suddenly another yelling crack addict couple fighting like wild animals in a rage, cry and fighting over dope Broke her attention as her heart is pounding out her chest this gave Dominique twisted feelings within herself thinking of the woman dead in the dark as she laid in the stillness afraid, Gunshots let off in the distance, sirens and the sound of drug dealers moving on the block Made it hard to understand, with Church on the same streets what kind of role were they playing in this darkness of the night. Even in the midst of it all, The overwhelming feeling that she did not belong hits her as she quietly whispered.
"someday! someday! I will find the place I belong and until that day this place in the dark I will live calling it my own." Later the family would move back to the countryside of Jersey and back out the inner city this time with even more dark secrets. Dominque
Quickly learning to accept life and everything in it for what it is as it comes. Choosing the fight and Go her Way as the high school rolls around fully athletic with dreams loving back in the countryside, wasn't it? feeling down as her older siblings are gone and have left her alone now it's time for her to set the stage and go out on her own.
she felt can no longer stay in the house that she lives it was time for her to go in the streets to find her place. soon as High School hit she moved into the inner city where she dwelled as a child, with her family and she was so ready to experience life and find love and then be the best her. That's not what happened, she walked into more pain than expected and walked in with her head down and heart own a real target. While still dealing with her childhood pain she has locked away. This was the same the love was never there, her moment of clarity would bring her face-to-face with her Playing field of her mothers in the streets, and the miles that she would go for them could never compare to what they would do for her nothing.
with no real explanation of why she has chosen to go that way except to be a part of her own family at some point she often overlooked a lot and spent time encouraging herself. Getting reacquainted with the inner city. She ran to the place of attractions The Steel Pier where there lies everyone of all nationalities and versatility. many different things going on all at once the hustle is real, music and joy in the mix of the hustle and bustle. Tourists looking to get rich that's all everyone ever wanted coming to Atlantic City New Jersey is a chance to win big and often Leave with nothing or worse death. Atlantic and Pacific Ave were jumping from pimps to hoes to crack heads to hustlers everyone on the go and on the hustle the lights were flashing and Bright. now she felt that she could roll in her kind of way and make her way. Something like a young girl that's feeling grown on her stepping out there.
looking for a place of comfort changing schools and where she resides finally got a place where she belonged and this place parties. A LOT of the men wanted what she didn't want to give. Often confronted with troubles that she had nothing to do with, having to fight with children with problems she had not, running home and standing up to those that had to fight and oppose those who oppose her without reason. What happens in this take it or let it break you or worse let them break you in the streets you have to some type of strength to stand and Dominque was full of it but had no reason to fight with others so she spent most of the time standing and taking whatever inflicting punishment on her looking them in the eye in anger they had was not of her. because something that they saw in me was different than them. she ran and she ran daily not out of fear but out of frustration looking to find her place, a place where she was açcepted and loved something about a 15 year old hard up for love. Dominique found a guy Joel he was a hot short very toned Carmel-skinned man with light brown eyes. With a kind but yet aggressive character he had a way about himself that made him seem like a young leader in the streets. Dominque was attracted to that mind of his and his handsome appearance Joel had braids and strong hands and pink lips that made it easy to desires to kiss him like he was a track star and basketball type. and his smarts and cunningness with a love for music and doing extremely crazy things, at this point, Dominque was in a daze over Joel she wanted to be nowhere else but with him. It was time to go she had friends and now and couldn't be happier and excited to meet Joel every day running up to the boardwalk and waited to meet him daily. jumping in his arms screaming
" Hey, Joel Joel how are you today?"
"Hey D-Block what's going on you feel like hanging out," He asked.
" yep let's do it," she said
hanging out with Joel eating and running around the boardwalk every day. There was this one guy named Mike he was a dark-skinned skinny man with a long face, sunk in structure with bloodshot eyes and most of his teeth had fallen out due to what appears to be overuse of drugs. Mike still had a heart of gold and a mean hustle selling fools gold on the boardwalk that he jacked from another fools gold broker. He would speak to Dominque daily with care and look out for her at times talking about his responsibility even tho he liked smoking dope, paying for his housing, and high he survived on a daily. He would often take her to eat at the pizza joint on the boardwalk. it seems as if he wished to help her in some way then he would disappear and strangely keep popping up her way as he keeps coming her way he says to her D-Block
", stay clear as the clear sky, stay sharp in your mind follow me for me don't waste my time. "
she doesn't want to follow him maybe it had a lot to do with the judgmental mind the fact that he was on drugs even if he was kind to her he was nothing short of an addict. She didn't know what it was about she just wanted to fly with Joel. She had a desire to be accepted to be in The In Crowd with everyone else. Dominque rebuilt some things of herself had to put up how is religious morals and values and she did. This was a place she thought she found to live at least she thought so. Wednesday afternoon hates getting off the bus from school she ran into the house dropped her books and dipped out the bricks. In her mind, there's no better place to be than with Joel running to the boardwalk straight out there screaming for him.
" Joel here I come nowhere I come" if that's not it's enough going on she had another friend that was back in the hood but he was just someone she went to school and felt kool with he couldn't compare to the high Joel gave her naturally. She wanted love that would make an impact on her life it was all about Joel he was nice and a good kisser he didn't make me do anything else she didn't want to do all she kept thinking is he likes me. Yes! we hang out together and do fun stuff. Every day no matter what back out again and in doing things that she never did no matter how hood. Thinking that she was doing it and being a good girl was out the window, thinking this guy Joel would give her the world. spending time writing poetry and everything she did deep down in her heart she knew it had a love for this kid all over it. screaming dancing on the way to Joel
"finally I finally am accepted no way to let anything keep holding on to the feelings of being neglected for what reason I got Joel."
took off in a place an imaginary world it had Dominique so high it was out of this world his voice brought her back to earth every time like he was on an internal high
" Hey Dblock let's go I want to introduce you to the whole team."
She meant a good bit of homie They didn't come from the same hood so she wasn't affiliated with them they came from different places she didn't fight so that was the problem that kept her a Target all day and all night In the hood she lived it's like it was some unspoken problem with her for being different. She has never seen the purpose of fighting with people she never even spoke a word to. Dominique being a person of peace wanting nothing to do with the Random beef in the hood again not out of fear but she had no reason to take it there with anybody so she rather evaded it all together. Keeping her mind on Friday night to coming and it was going down she was going out to the boardwalk and was going out on a night of the Town Joel and the guys we're going to introduce me to another friend named Quanisha she had a job at the local McDonald's and was older so she was able to come up with alcohol, that we were not able to and that was appealing to Dominique at the time. when it was time to go meet up. Here comes Mike out of nowhere and Dominque snaps and screams at him for him to get the hell on so she can chill with my new friends. Quanisha brought them a gallon of absolute vodka it was time to pop off. Going down into the sand off the boardwalk that we may drink on the beach in peace. Walked to the lifeguard station It was absolute vodka and I was about to throw back on the boardwalk with Joel and all of his friends. We begin to pop the bottle and pass shots and I begin to feel faded, I had never drunk so much alcohol before and I drunk over my limit trying to be cool. I had soon overdone it? when I overdid it. I noticed my balance left first. I begin to blank out I could not stand and my vision was going black I went from laughing to filling in trouble not knowing what was it was all about.
As we stumbled from the beach back to the boardwalk Joel begins to do stunts off the rails but I am fading reaching for him he sits me down and says "breathe."
I begin to hear The whispers that went on around me but couldn't make sense of the words something started to feel wrong as the guys and Joel talked "go get her Joel sends someone that approaches me like Rah Coming to take me home. Rah was rather big and crossed eyed resembled Debo from Friday. Over a shoulder I go as one of the guys threw me over his shoulder my vision came in my vision went out. I knew something bad was happing and I had no control no fight out and I was about to go full blank out in my system, but the moment the alcohol touched me I just really felt nothing but lovely the lovely I felt, in the beginning,g, faded to fear as I can hear the loud squeak of a heavy metal door and seem like a dark dim hall type corridor which was a spiral case in the back of the ocean one Mall as They carried me up one flight of steps I was adjusted on the shoulder of one of the biggest guys and he flipped me up in the air.
My hand and my head hit the building and I begin to feel pain in the back of my head, my vision went in my vision went out. As I slid off a very large body and sat down on concrete steps all I could feel was every hand hitting and kicking me hard from every side ripping my clothes off sticking their penises in every hole, pulling me from every angle and I had no control I could not see let alone fight. I could not move the pain was so severe I knew not what to do as I begin to try to cry the emotions in myself begin to rise the at this moment I asked God within myself" please help to help me get free please and then out came a mighty fight as I fell down the steps with blood and all of the blood and semen mixed in tumbling down a flight of concrete steps banged up and bloody I feel naked out the door in the sand as my body falls I can see the running footprint in the sand and yelling voices saying
" No, it was the bums! It was the bums! We did nothing wrong to you." laying on the sand under the ocean One Mall as the breeze from the ocean hits me bloody and covered in semen swelling and naked left there crying in tears throwing up all over myself left bearing all my dirty laundry in the sand. Through the blood and the seamen, I can barely see the moon shining on the ocean waves as my tears mix in with body fluids so much pain constantly throwing up on myself choking laying there.
I hear steps come towards me it is Quanisha and Joel they come back to assure that I do not remember it is them as they argue over who should take me home they evenly discuss that they cannot take me home because of who my family is. Not even with any care or love in his eyes, I broke as my vision takes a final blackout
As they freak out the security of the mall walks down there saying
" Hey what's going on here " you have to get her out of here and he begins to tell them that they have to clean me up before the daytime or he will be forced to report it. I can hear so many voices and feel so much pain but I am far too weak to move. The security officer recommended they find coffee or juice and they said that they just found me there. wanted to help and didn't know me .they tried to give me drinks mixed with throw up as my eyes rolled in the back of my head I was gone As I woke screams and cries talking crowds around, news and so many on Lookers.
l have been out here all night long until morning the ambulance arrived to pick me up. I was made a spectacle getting brutally raped and left on the beach wasn't a headline I wanted for myself. Taken into the emergency with hemorrhaging with multiple lacerations all over my body mild hematoma and damage to my vaginal and anal. I was so weak and that moment apart of me died this day and another will live how much of me I don't know. as I try to take it all in My chest got tight God what did I do.
As a firm tug came from the side of the bed it was Smoker Mike out of nowhere I watched him cry to me, asking me if I was ok he had so much care and worry in his eyes as if he felt like he failed me. suddenly the nurse screams" hey you what are you doing? How did u get in here? , you can not be here As security takes smoker Mike out of the hospital he makes sure he makes eye contact with me that I may see his tears pouring out of his eyes he's concerned touched me at that moment I felt deep despair in myself choking on the pain within as my eyes filled with tears I had been running through and taken for granted all because I wanted Joel. My mind began to replay flashes of the incident at a rapid speed as much as he begins to bubble within Me hyperventilating I can't I cannot handle this God, please.
Merci pour la lecture!