I just wanna be happier, i'll be greedy for wanting happiness, i waited so long that i can't take it anymore, i'm fed up with this.
Miss see you, i feel a great void without your presence, is exactly a void inside me what i feel without seeing you smile or your crimson cheeks when i told you how beautiful you were, now i only see a pale face without any traces of life.
I need you so much, maybe my opinions are not the best, nor my advice either, but I will tell you something, I am writing this for you, not for me.
Writing our story is art, you know everything I would do for you, just to see those eyes as dark as the sun when it sets, that penetrating gaze and those dry lips. Yes, I'm sure I would kill to see you smile again and see your eyes narrowed and your white cheeks turning crimson.
I remember one day you told me "I love you", I felt it deeply, you know, nobody ever told me, you opened something new, something grew inside me and I have known it as Love?
"Being happy takes time but it comes, do not say that it will not come because you may not be happy now but in some time you will reconsider and say" What am I doing? "," What am I doing to myself? "What are you doing? Happiness comes sooner or later bringing with it a very special function" You told me weeks before you left and the only real function of love is to destroy you completely so that you can continue your struggle to find happiness.
Walking alone through the cold streets and remembering you, feeling my heart racing, breathing raggedly just remembering your presence next to me, feeling you still affects me more than I expected.
Being told that everything is fine hurts me worse, why aren't you here with me? Please don't leave me alone, it hurts a lot.
I no longer want to see you only in blue and gray, I want to see you in white and green, I want to feel your peace and have your hope, waiting for you to get away from everyone, from me, it is too late to say goodbye but early to dedicate my verses to you.
I remember that cool autumn afternoon where we said goodbye, I cried so much that day, falling asleep in my living room, I just want to ask you why you made my life White and Green to just leave, drastically change my life in blue and gray, I keep wondering, where it is My angel?
You were chaotic and beautiful at the same time, you were the epiphany so ineffable within me, you were the serendipity that without realizing it was what I needed ... We both created each other's world ...
My mother used to tell me "Love is a word like a rose, it is beautiful but once you touch it it hurts, the thorns open a wound, it can be small or big, but they always damage you like love".
I should have learned that phrase well, now it's late, I'm just looking for a shoulder where to lie down and cry, since without you nothing is the same ...
I remember when I turned fifteen, my grandfather was leaning on an old chair with a cigarette in his mouth, that day I asked him if he remembered grandmother and he just told me "Remembering the past hurts more, if you have memories with someone to who you loved, let's just focus on the present and enjoy destiny. "
I keep waiting for the euphoria that ran through every part of my body when I was next to you.
(. . .)
Today again I feel your presence around the house, I continue to search for it.
It's been a month since you left, today your words just came to me, I miss you angel.
Every afternoon this dark winter I go to visit Mom's house, we have tea, and she tries to get you out of my head but now my whole world is in a blue and gray.
I know it is irremediable to see you and feel you again but I only miss you, I can no longer... Just yesterday I tried to commit suicide again but Cherry arrived, do you remember her? The blonde girl with dark eyes, if it wasn't for her, we would be together, Mon cherí.
The hottest days come back to me when you said "Miele" with such a disastrous Italian, that day I laughed like never before, I also remember that I called you "Mon Chéri" with a somewhat sexy French, you laughed you gave me a short kiss , something like a stolen kiss but this one was full of love.
I still wonder where you are my love, I feel so lonely, I cried every night, and I look for your presence in the darkness of the dark night.
The days stopped caring for me since you're gone, without your peculiar vibe I feel like I'm collapsing into a void.
After weeks I returned to the faculty, the philosophy professor said something that left me thinking "Dreaming does not cost, what it costs to pass is to fulfill it, you would say 'I'm crazy', that will never, but think well, not everything you dream will come true , because it is all a blur to reality, having your feet on the ground helps to achieve your goals, and knowing what your goals are, exactly are your dreams.
Without realizing it, we fulfill our dreams, they may take time, but think about what you have now one day was your dreams, perhaps in another life, another time or in your childhood, but rest assured, you ever dreamed of what you have now ".
But if my dreams is that you are here with me, now ... that is impossible ...
(. . .)
In some moments we all need a bit of silence, since it is the most precious melody if you know how to appreciate it, the silence in a certain part reminds me of you Mon Chéri. Since you became the ecstasy that took me to the stars without saying a single word to me.
Around me people are happy, I am the only one who sees the world in blue and gray, can you see me?
The floor feels heavier every day, seeing my reflection in the mirror with a tear falling down my cheeks is consuming me, feeling empty is destroying me.
Now simply when I look back, I am alone here, I only wish to melt the cold that remained inside of me since your departure, angel.
Every day it gets more difficult, but I try to fight, remember that we always said that we would fight together love .. But now I have to fight alone ..
This became a love in something ephemeral, but without hesitation something totally strong.
Right now I'm looking for a utopia where you and I have a happy ending.
In my mind every day the nostalgia for a love that will last forever is exhausting me so slowly that it hurts, since that love had a beginning but will never have an end, this is dragging me into endless thoughts.
Listening to that melody that you composed is like listening to Hamelin the flute player, he carries you, transforms you and consumes you.
Listening to it is like feeling the joy of a blind person when seeing and a deaf person when listening. It is amazing how that sweet melody consumes me and fills me at the same time.
It is like feeling free when listening to it, it is like a liberation within another wall with no exits, it is simple is her voice.
According to the world, listening to it is wrong but the sad thing is that I do not live in that world, perhaps physically you can feel me here but deep in my heart I am floating in a sea of feelings with you.
I follow an empty road, emptiness is like not being able to see or feel, it is something that exceeds my sixth sense, I am thinking about how to continue without treading badly, I am in a world full of temptations in which I do not want to fall, I need you more than never angel.
You were the most beautiful thing I had, you were like a precious diamond, but you know, it was impossible for me not to fall into your trap, in your games, you always had a beam up your sleeve ...
Fed up is how I feel, tired of seeing my tears fall and not being able to do anything to remedy it, feeling sick of helplessness, sick of this mask, sick of keeping every part of my feelings and pretending.
All this whirlwind of feelings is stuck in the lump in my throat, but I can't let go anymore, I'm so tired.
I sleep a lot not to think so much, it hurts so much to pretend to be fine that it is beginning to consume me and to plunge into a sea of tears that do not want to come out.
Clearing my mind sleeping is the best relationship I have at the moment, getting depressed is not the solution but in my case it is my only reaction.
"What will happen to me, the day that I cannot hear that sound that sweetens my being, to think that you want to leave me in this great emptiness gives me so much fear, the slip that you will leave me will be so great that the restlessness of your instability, knowing that you will not be there for me always leaves me in ruins, knowing that without your sweet voice so well known to me but unknown to the world I will no longer listen to it, knowing that one day out of nowhere I will stop listening it only burns me for inside "- Those were the last words you heard from me, I just wiped the tears that fell down your cheeks, seeing you cry I didn't hold back and we cried together.
My words begin to be empty and without grace, reality is consuming me, I have made a mistake and I accept it, I understand that you are not for me and I will not be for you according to destiny, why we both loved each other so greatly.
(. . .)
I believe that today I have finally begun to accept the Blue and gray that governs me, today I have finally accepted that I will never have quiet.
Tears no longer fall, my eyes are totally swollen and red, my lips are dry and my depression is more powerful.
I still feel lonely and I'm even afraid of myself, I haven't been out of the house in three weeks, Mom calls all day but I always give an excuse not to go, I feel like I'm getting exhausted from thinking so much.
In the apartment I have decided to take your things out, shouldn't I? It's been a while since your presence stopped feeling at home, although my world is still gray.
Inside the closet I found several letters with my name on it, I suppose it was for me.
"Hello Miele, I know that today is not a good day, today I was diagnosed with a very advanced brain tumor, now we know why my frequent headaches, I am not afraid to die, the only thing I fear is forgetting you.
I will try to write you a letter every day until the day I die"
"Sorry Miele these days, I have forgotten many things but less you"
"Miele today you are very pretty, I know you try to smile a lot and cheer me up but I am already in my last days"
"Miele, I don't remember my nickname, can you help me?"
"Yesterday I forgot your name, Miele, forgive me, I wrote your name on a paper so as not to forget you"
"Miele today I saw you and I did not recognize you, forgive me again"
"I don't know who you are, honey but I know I love you" — The letter of the letter is already less legible.
"Today they operate on me darling, you came crying to hug me, luckily I recognized you, I am so afraid darling, I know that today I am leaving but wherever I go I will always remember you, I promise — The handwriting was barely legible.
This is already being written by doctor miele, but I just want you to know that thanks to you my life changed to white and green, I will love you forever ... I hope you are happy without my love ... please don't cry for me
From you Mon Chéri
To my Miele"
That day he did not survive that surgery and reading each of his letters I cannot stop crying, he was simply the best man I ever knew, I am so grateful that I hope again that the Blue of my destiny turns green again and that the Gray is white again.
"I love you my angel, I hope to see you again" - That was the last thing Miele said before throwing herself off that blue and gray bridge.
Story inspired by the song "Blue and Grey" with BTS
Translation credits to Jan Meda and Araceli Zarza.
Merci pour la lecture!