agmars A. G. Mars

When I can't sleep and my thoughts just ran out my mind.


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#loneliness #insomnia #thoughts #romance #drama
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Almost 4 a.m. when I thought about you


I didn’t say I loved you.

I close my eyes sometimes. In the dark, tears lift through my face. I wish I wasn’t that broken, but I am. Divided in a million pieces of something I can’t recognize. And all of them is me, but none of them can define me, delimited me, paint an image in the mirror. But, above it all, none of them could be even admired by you.

I am not saying it is your fault. You don’t even know how many times my thoughts flew away to you, getting lost in the dark of your eyes, your long eyelashes or that laugh — the one that could lead me to beat-up my car. You couldn’t imagine I write your name all over my skin wishing you were a tattoo, a memory, half of my body and my sheer soul. And if you knew, then again, you wouldn’t like it.

Because I am, and I know, everything you can’t believe in it. I am lost between dreams and fears I made up. I am a chaos under a controlled study played by everyone I pretend to love. I am an annoying song happening every time you start working, but you can’t find where it comes from. I am the lies on the internet, the dancing creeping you out, the mean things you say when someone demonstrates love. I am the sort of love you deny with all your bones. Therefore, I confess, I didn’t say I loved you.

Instead, I said you killed my brain and let me with nothing but jokes. You are the worst style of laugh everyone could admire, and it’s not even your fault. I declared to everyone who wants to hear how much I was addicted to you, because you dominated my neurons and I nominated you my slight piece of wrong happiness, as a drug I couldn’t share — or paid. I screamed to the walls that must be something wrong with you because that’s the only kind of person that could get me stuck in their gravity. I imagined me laying in your couch, drowning in your eyes, telling you how much I want you, but I knew you loved someone else. And she is better than I. Then, I finally told you two or three words, making you laugh for five seconds in front of me and others five thousand people just because I couldn’t say I loved you.

I love you.

And after the night I planned to extinguish my life, allow it drift somewhere else, as a ghost that doesn’t belong to a body, I thought of you. Because I said I love everyone else, even the ones I didn’t love for more than five drinks under a colorful light. But to you, the one I dedicated all my words, all my dreams, everything I've been writing since I encountered you, I couldn’t say. I shouldn’t say. We both know it couldn’t be truth.

I am a lie and you are pretending. But I saw you and now I can’t act like some of my broken parts are not attached to you.

Now, I just can't enable me to die without to split with you this brief piece I know you will throw away. Because, baby, I got no chance to be even a shadow in all your crooked paths, but from here I love you.

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PS: I just want to say that english isn't my first language, to be fair I am not quite good at it. So, if you notice any mistake, please let me know; it's the only way I can learn. Thank you so much.

1 Décembre 2020 05:49:52 0 Rapport Incorporer Suivre l’histoire
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