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J
Jessie Moonshine
About mental health and my thoughts,feelings and real experiences as someone who suffers with mental health issues 0 critiques
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#Mental #inkspiredstory #health #anonymous #bpd #depression #anxiety #life #thoughts #real
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Spiraling Down

I am the type of person, that will research everything and anything I want to learn more about. I look at tons of different websites, books and anywhere I can get information. I will do online tests for different things, it becomes my obsession! So, as you probably guessed, I learned everything about bpd, and I am still learning. Shortly after getting diagnosed, I watched a lot of youtube videos on my disorder and the amount of negative things I seen about bpd was very hurtful and made me feel even more empty and alone inside. I am a mother of 5 young children, according to these professionals, I must be a horrible, selfish, self centered mother. These videos mentioned there is a huge negative impact on children who grew up with borderline mothers, which made me think, my children have no hope and were doomed from the start. On my bad depression days, I couldn't get out of bed and would cry, asking God why? Why me? Why my children were dealt a crappy hand by me being their mother and why couldn't they have been born to a better mother, one not sick with mental health issues. They are too young to understand why I am the way I am sometimes, with days of low mood, irritable, snappy, extreme saddness, shame, guilt, and so much more. Trying to help them understand and regulate emotions that I can't even do or handle myself is so difficult but I am trying and learning right along with them. I have had so many days & nights of wanting to give up hoping it would give them a better life but having the thought that I need to end mine in order for that to be possible. My emotions heightened even worse with my last three pregnancies, wanting to (needing and should have) checked myself in to the hospital but never did, mainly because I was afraid. Thinking what backlash, hurt and pain that would cause everyone around me. The fear of actually losing my kids and them thinking I gave up on them or didn't care and love them anymore....that thought was too overwhelming and I couldn't come to terms with that. I felt so much despair, emptiness, anger and self hatred. I felt I was a huge burden to my spouse because he had to deal with who I was and how draining that was on him. He was still wrapping his head around this disorder, not understanding but trying to. I spiraled so incredibly low, I honestly thought I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel.

22 Mars 2022 22:27 0 Rapport Incorporer 0
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Understanding

When someone hears about someone suffering with mental health issues, love and understanding are not what comes to the mind of others. Even though things like depression and anxiety are more acceptable in this day and age, I find there's a lot misunderstood. It took years before I finally had a name to my disorder that I have been suffering from basically my whole life, I finally felt heard and not pushed to the side or told it's all in my head. My whole life made sense, I rememeber almost being proud that I knew what was "wrong" with me. I knew I had depression, anxiety, substance and alcohol issuses but always felt there was something more. Once labeled, health care professionals looked at me differently, like everyone was walking on egg shells, not sure what I'll do next. I felt and still feel so small, like I am some kind of monster because I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (bpd). Then, I see everyone glamorizing bpd and a disorder I had never heard of before was suddenly everywhere I looked.

18 Février 2022 20:54 0 Rapport Incorporer 0
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