I killed it
Feelings,killed it
Hopes,killed it
You...
Well...
I killed it
everything.
Me,falling into pieces
Behind the mirror
Looking it,silently
You,lost and found at the same time
Happy on the outside
Sinking on the inside
You were just trying to
on your feet stand
I was invisible,hiding myself,terrified
but you didn't know it
that it was you
who I wanted to meet
I wanted to protect you
I wanted to take your hand.
I was being your friend
and then I felt happy
but one day everything changed
and then I found myself alone again
they told me "slut" in a bad way,
just cuz I was a free woman
but hey,
I didn't say anything,cuz it was true
but you,as a friend,
failed me for the first time,
being quiet,with your lips shut.
You didn't say
"hey,she is my friend,
please respect her" no,
you just laughed w/ them
agreeing about that
and when I realized about that,
I felt so hurt
so upset,dissappointed,even mad
you were not for me,
and I felt so blue.
I drowned myself
First Strike.
Month passed,and I decided to forget
A new day came,
and with that a brand-new meeting
A new chance
to have new friends,with no regrets
I tried my best,and
it wasn't at all so bad
I realized that
it wasn't my problem at all
but someone else,
cuz those people were mad
I felt happy again
Even with problems,
I didn't have any complain
but I didn't realize that you
my dear friend,had a problem
and your life and energies
were turning grey, plain.
I wanted to hold your hand again
but I couldn't
your new girlfriend was
loving you enough,
sometimes too much
"Depression"was her name,
and at night
both of you made a
too intimate touch
so,I closed my lips,I saved my breath,
and I thought
"He is really busy,so I shouldn't"
and walked away,
watching you from a safe distance,
still-of you-terrified
You didn't understand why
On the outside,I was happy,free,
A kind of carpe-diem girl,
always with a smile
I was getting over
w/one of your friends
trying to be a self-centered girl,
not the "slut" that they thought
that I was used to be in the past
but you told me that
I couldn't treat him like that,
for you that meant that I was vile
cuz I wasn't able to forget
and forgive him fast
We drowned ourselves,
together,for the first time
We fell apart
Second Strike.
Years passed
and we still were go and came back
sometimes you disappeared
sometimes I did it
but at the end
we ended together again
holding each other's back
Was then when I realized
that something inside of me
was subtle,progressively ignited
when I saw your eyes,
those darks pupils
I felt something mysterious
and I thought "it's amazing,isn't he?"
I didn't understand it
and I told myself
"What's going on with me??!!"
I failed myself
did you see?
I couldn't even keep
myself from the distance
I tried,I certainly tried
to stay away from you
you deserved to be happy,
surrounded by a lot of friends
I didn't want to bother you
I thought that without me
your life was better
that nothing else
but yourself matters
but I didn't figure out that
I made a mistake
I disappeared from you
just for your own sake
But then,you came back to me
one more time
and I saw it
through those beautiful,dark eyes
that it doesn't matter
how many friends you have
how many time you spent them
at those party nights
you were lonely on the inside
at the end
and I just wanted to hold you too
I just wanted to help you,
to hug you,to cuddle with you
Ah,my dear J!
those words were in my throat stuck
words filled with fear,
my fear,your fear
words silent,afraid,
insecure,painful as fuck
you've always saying
"I'm suffering alone,
nobody loves me"
Well,I was suffering too,
cause that is not
what I wanted-everyday-to hear
You were blind
you didn't realized
that everytime you said that
I was-secretly- telling you
"Hey,look at me!"
silly boy,you weren't able to see
that I had a crush on you
that I didn't want to fix you
cuz I saw you,I loved you
just like you were,
just like you used to be.
We're drowning again
Third strike.
Stop.
Stop this time
No more strikes
we're just tired enough of this show
I want to tell you a lot of things
things that you need to know
but i'm just confused,
afraid of this cloudy day
and this means that now I'm lost
and i'm not able to do it
I don't know how
I don't want to fight anymore
I just want to solve things
to talk each other,
not like two children
but like grown-up adults
to be fine again
to keep knowing each other more
I know that you're confused too
that you doesn't understand
if there is something wrong
I used to see you
as a cute little brother of mine
now I see you
struggling with yourself
Trying to be mature
you can't help
being childish sometimes
but please,don't be selfish
with your real friends
I just want you to be fine
I rejected it,your offer
not because I felt nothing
but because I felt anything all at once
and a "free" adventure between us
it was not what I felt right at heart
this is not about
being "Conservative" nor "Saint"
but being down-to-earth
maybe you'll later understand
that a true friendship,
a real bond between us
it's more important
than one-night stand
what really matters is being able
to help each other,
to take each other's hand
Please,stop this useless fight
let's make things right
for our own friendship's sake
Please,no more Strikes.
Alexandra Ferreira(2019)
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