It’s Tuesday, I am sitting on my sofa, my dog is sleeping at my feet. As I sit here writing this, I am mindful that I’ve been here before.
Have you ever felt like this?
When you feel like your mind is literally stuck in quicksand, the struggle to stay above danger level or drowning is relentless. Just when you thought you had dodged another psychological bullet, another one smashes into your heart.
I’ve been sitting on this sofa for 5 years, in a complete mind fog.
It all started after I lost my job at the prison.
I am medically prescribed up to the hilt with anti depressants and smoking up to 5 cannabis joints a day, sometimes more.
Not a massive amount the experienced drug user might say, but it’s too much for me. I know this because it makes my depression worse.
Interestingly, I wasn’t convinced I would ever publish this, but on reflection I imagined it could be interesting for someone.
This is really about my mental health, my personal journey and experiences. I like many others am on a never ending waiting list for counselling. The recent Covid pandemic has put me on a long waiting list, I probably won’t receive any counselling for 18 months now.
Maybe the ‘outing’ of my story will facilitate healing for me, maybe it won’t ! Let’s find out!—
I would like to feel that someone out there can take some hope from this, especially if they have experienced similar?
Wednesday November 10th 2021,
I am sitting here waiting for my support worker to arrive. I think I have about 3 sessions left before I am yet again, left dangling on an ever growing queue of people waiting for counselling.....
I should be grateful that I am on the list at all I suppose. I’ve been on a list for 3 years in March.
Update
15th March 2022
My therapy has started. I have just completed my fourth session with
Ms E
Ms E appeared on my computer screen this morning. I am having online sessions and I must admit, if i could stop trying to ‘approval seek’ i may just get somewhere.
Ms E is bright, interlectually. She is also kind and supportive.
I wasn’t sure about her at the beginning, i didn’t ‘click’ with her and looked for excuses in an attempt to self sabotage. I know this now on reflection.
Have you ever felt that too?
