I was sitting alone on my bed, and my lights were off. My door was shut and locked. My mind was screaming. What is this feeling? I ask myself, knowing I wouldn’t want the answer. The answer to my feelings would break me even more than I already am. What am I even doing? I looked out the window. Their car still isn’t here. Different thoughts rolled into the back of my mind, but I pushed them farther back.
“I don’t need them right now,” I told myself. “Those thoughts bring me down. Down to the deepest pits of sadness.”
The thoughts tried to push their way, front and center. They failed as I thought about other things. What did they say they were doing? I checked my phone. Gone for a week… Business trip… I had let out a small sigh. Standing, I found my way to my window. I opened it, and the cool air brushed past my face and through my hair. My long, strawberry blonde locks tangled and swayed. The wind feels nice. I thought as I leaned forward slightly, and being careful not to fall.
I felt a small smile find its way upon my lips. My lips chapped, and cracking from the cold air. I jumped back as my phone’s ringtone went off. I turned around and picked the small iPhone up. Mom… I answer.
“Tallia!” my mom’s voice said.
“Hey… Mom,” I said, my voice came off sad, not what I intended.
“You okay, Sweetie?” she asked. “You sound sad.”
“I’m okay. Don’t worry,” my voice went quiet at “don’t worry.”
“Tallia, I’m here for you if you need help.”
“I know, Mom. I’m just-- I’m just stressed… About school, you know?”
“I understand. Remember, you have an appointment with your therapist tomorrow.”
“I know…,” I sighed and heard a beep.
“I have another call. Good night, Tallia,” my mom ended the call.
I flopped back onto my bed. The soft cushion made me groan. I hate this… My thoughts started. I hate myself… I tried to push them back, but I failed. If only I was a different person. I desperately tried to push them back again. Fail. Maybe I should-- I finally succeeded in pushing them back. No! No! No! I can’t think that way! I mentally yelled at myself. I held my head, small sobs came from my lips. Why?
I move my hands to my face. My cries began to become louder. I tried to wipe the tears away, but that only allowed more to flow out. My green orbs were blurry, and watery. I couldn’t see anything beyond the tears. I frantically tried to wipe the tears away as more flew out. I silently begged for the tears to stop, the sobs to silence. Why won’t it stop!? I yelled in my mind. Why won’t the pain go away!?
My hands finally succeeded in wiping all the tears away. My eyes burned, and my throat hurt. Why do I feel like this!? My mind was screaming hurtful things. What am I even doing with life!? I scold myself. What even is life!? I didn’t try to push the thoughts back. I allowed them to come and bury me. Maybe I should-- That’s when I tried to push them back.
No one would miss me… I tried to think of other things, happy things. My parents wouldn’t find out until they got home… I begged for them to stop, and dissolve like a tablet in water. No one would even realize I was gone… I shook my head, and pushed the thoughts back. They will notice! They will miss me! I was shaking. My hair was a mess, and it was three in the morning. I have school soon…
I get changed into my school uniform. I hate skirts… I whined. Nothing had went right. I was on the verge of crying again. Nothing was what I wanted. I looked in the mirror and pull on my skirt slightly. It’s too high up, and I look like I shouldn’t be in a school… I growled at the clothing. Uniforms are useless…
I jumped at the tone of my phone. I picked it up and began to brush my hair. Mom... I had to answer her calls. She worried about me too much.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Hi, Sweetie!” she said cheerfully.
I rolled my eyes. “Hmm?”
“Remember, right after school go to--”
“My therapist appointment. I know,” I cut her off.
“Okay. Well, I called to remind you,” she said and hung up.
I sighed. Then why call? Why not text? I looked out the window and continued to brush my hair. The long locks tangled more as the brush ran threw it. I yelped a few times. Why does this hurt too!?
I was standing at my locker, and the halls were crowded. I wish everyone would just shut up! My mind screamed. The time I actually wanted to be here, everyone is loud. I growled and got a few looks. I looked at them.
“Ew,” they said and walked off.
I sighed. More people saying “ew” to me… I walked to my class. Eyes were on me when I walked in. Some glares were even sensed. Scolds, whispers, loud remarks that were supposed to be head. I looked down and sat down. All eyes on me… Heh… I smile slightly at the attention. The attention I never usually get, at home or at school.
“Tallia,” I heard a familiar voice say.
I turned my head to see who it was. “Justin?”
He nodded. “You okay?”
I nodded back. “Yeah. I’m perfectly fine.”
“You don’t seem fine. You seem sad… and depressed.”
“... Maybe I am.”
He sighed. “You getting help?”
“Yeah. I have an appointment with my therapist.”
“He doesn’t really help or do much. He mostly looks at his phone and talks to his wife…,” I cut Justin off.
“You need a new one…”
“I know, Justin… I know…”
The teacher had walked in, and she was glaring at me. Of course… The teacher went to her desk.
“Okay, class. We need to discuss the issues with… certain students,” she said.
A kid near me raised their hand. “But, Mrs. Conley, don’t we have to--”
“Discuss the low amount of students doing homework? Yes,” she had cut the student off.
I dozed off, thinking of a better place. A place where I could be loved and actually liked. I bet Justin is just being nice… Knowing I have no one here… I thought as the teacher yelled my name.
“Tallia Grey!” she growled. “Will you please go to the principal's office?” she asked through her teeth.
I nodded and stood. Why am I so hated from everyone? I walked down the all and into the office. Maybe it’s a call from Mom… I hoped. Just maybe it is…
“Tallia Grey?” the secretary asked. Her voice was sweet, and I could tell she was new.
I nodded. “That’s me…”
“Mr. Greg wants to see you. Please go through those doors,” she pointed to Mr. Greg’s office.
I walked through the doors. He looked mad… maybe beyond mad… I hurried and sat in one of the chairs across from his.
“Miss Grey, you know why you’re in here, right?” he asked. His deep voice sent chills down my spine.
“N-No, Sir,” I replied.
He sighed. “Tallia, it’s about--”
The door was quickly opened, only to reveal the new secretary.
“Sir, we just received a call from the hospital in New York,” she said. Her voice was frantic and in a hurry.
“N-New York?” I asked and turned towards her. “That’s where my parents are…”
“That’s the call… Your parents were in a terrible accident. Your father died, and your mother is suffering fatal injuries.”
I tensed up. My eyes began to tear up. “N-No…”
My reasons to live… I said quietly in my thoughts. The only two who actually loved me… My thoughts were screaming. I covered my mouth and let the tears roll down my face. No…
“Tallia?” Mr. Greg asked.
“I-- I--” I broke down into tears.
“Tallia…,” Mr. Greg’s voice was soft and quiet.
He cares? I asked myself. There is no way… I wiped my eyes.
“Sir…,” the secretary whispered.
“Go away, Megan,” he said quietly.
She nodded and left as Mr. Greg kneeled down.
“It’ll be okay, I promise,” he whispered.
“No-- No it won’t!” I yelled and stood up. I ran out of the office and sat in one of the darkest halls. “It won’t be okay!”
It was the day of the funeral. Both my parents… Dead. I cried my heart out. Nothing could fix this… I thought. But, death could… I nodded, mentally, to myself. I will do that… That was when I made my decision. The decision to die, and finally be happy for once in my life. But… Will I succeed? Will I even do it? Maybe not...
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