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Panic Attack

Dear little fighter

Fear, it is the first thing I feel when I am about to exhibit in front of my classroom. By just putting one foot in front of everyone, my hands start to shake and sweat. My heart is beating fast and I feel like I'm drowning, drowning while everyone is breathing.

I look around nervously looking for a way to escape and feel everyone's eyes on me. '' Are you alright, Seline? '' The teacher asks me when she sees the nerves taking hold of me

I feel a lump in my throat and the words don't come out of my mouth, I'm very nervous, this is tormenting me a lot.

''I can't''

''I can't''

These are the only words I say before going out the door and running to the bathroom.

After I was able to calm down I began to cry, I felt weak and sensitive, as if I were a glass with fear of breaking, but in the end I ended up breaking, like now.

Always running away, huh? Good luck for the next one.

-Camille


Jan. 30, 2020, 9:02 p.m. 0 Report Embed 0
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To My Best Friend

Dear Best Friend

Sorry for making you load all my problems or for worrying. I've been in this situation for months and as time goes by my mental state is getting worse in every way. I no longer smile as before, I already lost interest in the things I like, for example drawing or reading. I have no hope, so why am I still here? It's easier to end suffering, right? Why keep trying if I will always return to the same? Again, why am I still here?

Sometimes I think, did the right thing to tell you what happens to me? If I had never told you, I could have left and you and no one would find out what really happened to me and you would not feel guilty about this. Everything would have been easier.

You wouldn't understand me, you don't know what it is to have thoughts that drive you to end your life, that when I have a knife in my hand I think of harming myself or someone around me, that if I am in a high place I have thoughts of Throw me, it's like my mind says "DO IT" I just think about hurting myself, do you like having a person like a friend? You should have walked away when you could, you wouldn't have had to find out all that. I feel bad for getting involved, it was a mistake because you will end up hurt. Why did you have to be so important to me?

It is better if I am not here, imagine that you never met me, you would not have had to worry about having a sad, weak and miserable friend, a friend who only pretends to be well and is destroyed when she is alone, a friend who wakes up in the early morning to cry because she feels empty, tired and has no one at that moment, how stupid will comfort me at 3 in the morning? It doesn't matter, nothing works with me anymore.

Don't you get tired of me? Don't you get tired of always repeating the same thing to me? "You are not alone", "We are together in this", "Everything will be fine" and still, what has changed?

I am a complete disaster, I have stopped eating and if I do I vomit everything, I get dizzy easily and I have anxiety / panic attacks at any time. I can't sleep because of nightmares or because I keep thinking for hours, I'm very tired, in general.

It's not your fault, you did what you could, don't blame yourself, I appreciate your help but I can't go on, I hurt myself, I hate myself, I'm killing myself slowly, I just want to end this "life".

You've been an amazing person with me, really, I don't deserve you, you don't deserve to have to endure this with me. Why did you never stop? Why do you still talk to me?

Why am I still here?

-Camille

Jan. 25, 2020, 3:22 a.m. 0 Report Embed 0
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What Makes You Strong?

Dear little fighter

What makes you strong? When you get up from each fall, you are strong. When you have endured many difficult situations and give yourself a chance to smile, you are strong. When you face problems, you are strong...

You feel weak when you fall, but after all what you have been through you are worthy of admiration, you have shown courage, you are strong, don't hesitate.

You are stronger than those suicidal thoughts, can you control them, do you know why? Because you fight against them, because you know that what they say is a lie and they just want to trick you into making you fall, and if you fall? you get up again with more strength to win this fight.

Every time you feel weak, think about the battles you have won and be proud of yourself because you are the strongest and bravest person in the world.

And if someone asks you what makes you strong? You will answer:

Feeling weak makes me strong because I know I can get up from that fall and move on.

-Camille

Jan. 22, 2020, 10:11 p.m. 0 Report Embed 0
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Anxiety

Dear Little Fighter

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when I say ''anxiety ''? I am sure you would say ''fear'', you are right but anxiety is much more than fear, it is feeling that there is no way to escape.

You worry so much about incoherent things, you feel guilty about situations that have nothing to do with you, you spend so much time in your mind that it is hurting you. It affects you so much that the simplest activities make it difficult to perform them.

Worst of all are the anxiety attacks. Your heart beats very fast, you can't breathe, your hands tremble and sweat, you feel a lot of fear even though nothing bad is happening around you. And all the bad thoughts that come to mind at that moment, saying: ''You can't, stop fighting, stop trying''. It's feeling like you're drowning and there's no way to get to the surface.

You feel insecure about yourself, about everything. You can sit without doing anything and suddenly feel anxious for no reason, your hands begin to tremble and you don't know what to do, you feel dizzy and your breathing starts to get difficult. You feel like in a horror movie, but calm down, little fighter, it's just a panic attack. You should get used to that.

Anxiety can kill you if you can't control it.

-Camille

Jan. 19, 2020, 12:14 a.m. 0 Report Embed 0
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