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Hope

Dear little fighter

Have you ever thought what the world would be like without me? Well, I've thought about it a lot, why? because sometimes I feel you would be better off without me, imagine it, you didn't have to worry about me, you didn't have a suicidal friend, a friend with no hope of life, it's better to end the suffering, right?

But I can't do it.

I can't leave my parents or my family.

I can't let my friends feel guilty.

I can't

I can't leave him.

My best friend, he doesn't deserve to suffer.

I promised him that I would not leave him and I will keep my promise, because I know that after everything we fight together, we are close to reaching the light, to the hope of life.

I know that together we can achieve it.

-Camille

Feb. 26, 2020, 2:20 a.m. 0 Report Embed 0
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Someone Like You

Dear Best Friend

Thank you for being part of my life because thanks to you I'm still alive, you have shown me the good side of life and that despite the problems you can move on.

You hugged me when I cried, you comforted me, you were there when nobody was there. You made me laugh in my moments of sadness, you advised me when my grandmother was in her last moments, you told me to make her laugh, tell her something good and thanks to you I know that she is in a better place, that she is no longer suffering.

I remember the first time I told you what was happening to me, you were worried and you were afraid of losing me, but I promised you that I wouldn't leave you, that I wouldn't end my life because I know you cannot bear another loss because you have also suffered and don't deserve more.

When I met you, I never thought you would become such an important person for me. You told me "we are fighting together, I know that together we can get out of this" and I believe you because you have shown me that after each fall we get back up and that is something I learned from you.

I always say that all people deserve someone like you, they deserve to be hugged, to be told that everything will be fine, to give them hope to live, to get a smile, to have a shoulder to cry on. That's all you've given me and I repeat again, everyone deserves someone like you.

I won't get tired of thanking you for everything, I will repeat it again and again, you know why? because you deserve that and much more, you deserve to be told "I love you", you deserve happiness, you deserve someone who is for you at all times and I'm sorry if I can't be that person.

Thank you for letting me into your life.

-Camille

Feb. 12, 2020, 9:59 p.m. 0 Report Embed 0
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Panic Attack

Dear little fighter

Fear, it is the first thing I feel when I am about to exhibit in front of my classroom. By just putting one foot in front of everyone, my hands start to shake and sweat. My heart is beating fast and I feel like I'm drowning, drowning while everyone is breathing.

I look around nervously looking for a way to escape and feel everyone's eyes on me. '' Are you alright, Seline? '' The teacher asks me when she sees the nerves taking hold of me

I feel a lump in my throat and the words don't come out of my mouth, I'm very nervous, this is tormenting me a lot.

''I can't''

''I can't''

These are the only words I say before going out the door and running to the bathroom.

After I was able to calm down I began to cry, I felt weak and sensitive, as if I were a glass with fear of breaking, but in the end I ended up breaking, like now.

Always running away, huh? Good luck for the next one.

-Camille


Jan. 30, 2020, 9:02 p.m. 0 Report Embed 0
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To My Best Friend

Dear Best Friend

Sorry for making you load all my problems or for worrying. I've been in this situation for months and as time goes by my mental state is getting worse in every way. I no longer smile as before, I already lost interest in the things I like, for example drawing or reading. I have no hope, so why am I still here? It's easier to end suffering, right? Why keep trying if I will always return to the same? Again, why am I still here?

Sometimes I think, did the right thing to tell you what happens to me? If I had never told you, I could have left and you and no one would find out what really happened to me and you would not feel guilty about this. Everything would have been easier.

You wouldn't understand me, you don't know what it is to have thoughts that drive you to end your life, that when I have a knife in my hand I think of harming myself or someone around me, that if I am in a high place I have thoughts of Throw me, it's like my mind says "DO IT" I just think about hurting myself, do you like having a person like a friend? You should have walked away when you could, you wouldn't have had to find out all that. I feel bad for getting involved, it was a mistake because you will end up hurt. Why did you have to be so important to me?

It is better if I am not here, imagine that you never met me, you would not have had to worry about having a sad, weak and miserable friend, a friend who only pretends to be well and is destroyed when she is alone, a friend who wakes up in the early morning to cry because she feels empty, tired and has no one at that moment, how stupid will comfort me at 3 in the morning? It doesn't matter, nothing works with me anymore.

Don't you get tired of me? Don't you get tired of always repeating the same thing to me? "You are not alone", "We are together in this", "Everything will be fine" and still, what has changed?

I am a complete disaster, I have stopped eating and if I do I vomit everything, I get dizzy easily and I have anxiety / panic attacks at any time. I can't sleep because of nightmares or because I keep thinking for hours, I'm very tired, in general.

It's not your fault, you did what you could, don't blame yourself, I appreciate your help but I can't go on, I hurt myself, I hate myself, I'm killing myself slowly, I just want to end this "life".

You've been an amazing person with me, really, I don't deserve you, you don't deserve to have to endure this with me. Why did you never stop? Why do you still talk to me?

Why am I still here?

-Camille

Jan. 25, 2020, 3:22 a.m. 0 Report Embed 0
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