Oh how late spring use to feel in the moments before life got hard for you.
Oh how the black berrys felt as you squashed them between your fingers, staining your hands.
Oh the smile that crossed your face when you got a really sweet, perfect one, and popped it right between your teeth for a bite.
Briars cutting into your arms and legs, making your way to your clubhouse, wondering what baked goods you were going to pretend to sell with your plastic pink cash register in one hand and your babydoll in the other.
Sometimes it's hard to search and find those good memories. Everything after them are like a blurred.. terrible..lifetime movie marathon
..or something crazy and dramatic like that.
My step cousin, a nameless boy, was the first snake to slither his way into my safe spaces. He was older than me by a few years, not much. He would always stay at my grandmas when I would be made to stay there. Thinking back now, I questioned how he knew about those things. How he knew to use force to get what he wanted. To trap me, throw me down in a bathtub, and shove his tongue in my mouth and make me touch him. He was a kid..Maybe 9? It didn't make sense.
Later in life, I learned that he was being molested as a child and I of course didn't know that when I was 5-6 years old. It didn't make it better for me. I still had all of this scarring and to me, that's where it started. With that boy who thought maybe that was what he was suppose to do at the time.
Though understanding it doesn't make it okay
..I forgive you, nameless boy.
I hope the little boy inside of you grew to find peace and understanding..joy, love, and respect..just as the little girl in me has been fighting to do.
Little girl, if I could whisper to you today, I would tell you that so much is said through the actions of others. Sometimes we can't understand and sometimes we aren't meant to. What happened wasn't okay. Not for you and not for the little boy who did those things. It's the beginning of a long road, but you will rise. Stay strong.
I love you.Oct. 31, 2021, 8:36 p.m. 0 Report Embed 0
Oh how fearless you use to be, climbing the tallest of trees. Running in the gravels with no hurt underneath your feet.
Oh how fearless you use to be, picking wild flowers in the far off woods, blending lotion potions just because you could.
No matter what, you were always creating and imagining.
I'd put you in a bubble within your happiest moments and feed you joy and light so that maybe you could have had a chance to grow with some normalcy. So that maybe blooming felt possible within the weeds that caged you.
He wouldn't starve you, she wouldn't hit you or make you eat out of the garbage. She wouldn't leave you and they wouldn't touch you.
It isn't these terrible things that hold you down, believe it or not. It's going to be learning how to manage these big emotions. Ones you just won't understand until you go through some dark shit trying to figure it all out. Learning yourself. Relearning love, forgiveness, trust, commitment and most of all, when you begin to learn vulnerability.
Let me tell you little girl.. Many times you'll want to die. You'll feel so much sadness and so much like a burden. You will forget what it felt like to be that fearless child.
But wait. Hold on.
One day that terrible feeling will fade.
One day you will find the good things in life and you will count your blessings.
One day the sun just gets brighter and you try harder than you ever have in your life to be more than just your past.
One day you'll start a journey of healing, little girl. And the best parts of your life will start then.
If I could whisper to you today, I'd tell you that the biggest thing you could ever do is forgive yourself.
You ARE worthy of great things. And you ARE capable of achieving them.
One day, being fearless won't be who you use to be, but who you are becoming once more.
Oct. 27, 2021, 6:43 p.m.
Oh how small you use to be, knowing nothing about the unraveling of your world.
Oh how small you use to be, with no shoes to even fill.
Someone, somewhere said, "A miracle is a shift in perception from fear to love".
Where were your miracles, little girl?
I would wrap you in my embrace and pat your head.
I love you little girl.
All of those mean boys and men, they didn't know love. They couldn't have.
Maybe the people who did those terrible things never grew to learn how to let love in.
Maybe they had far too much hate in their heart.
Maybe they just weren't smart.
You're smart little girl.
You were scared, little girl.
How could you not be. Your abuse was never ending. It's all you knew for so long.
You didn't know love either. Until love walked in when you were 19 Years old.
Love was a safe face from your childhood. Love wasn't a man. Love was a woman. Love didn't stop there. love grew and love went away. Love became a different face. A different woman.
Little girl, while you sleep in the night and hug your pillow tight, I whisper to you, "Everything's going to be alright."Oct. 24, 2021, 1:45 p.m. 0 Report Embed 0