The sun hit my face, I woke up on the same spot as every day. They’re all running suits and dresses with a phone on their hand trying to get somewhere; sad faces, happy faces, stressed people. I stood up and started walking towards the entrance of an old Mc Donald’s near my spot. As I sat down against that cold brick wall , I heard kids , teens, and adults just talking about what they want to do in the future. How they’ll earn more money, how they’ll have more power and what’s the best investment. My heart was just torn apart, have we forgotten the real meaning of life? “Do you have any spare change mam?” She looked down at me, those eyes, those scared eyes, she looked afraid, not of me, but of the type of life someone can end up having. When in reality, she looked scarier. Money, we all need it, they say money can’t buy happiness, but you have to see whose saying it. Money can’t buy happiness, but praying for it is the only way they’ve taught us to live in here.
Finally some rain, this heat was burning me like hell. I pulled out my house’s roof and covered my face with it . It’s an old white blanket I’ve had for over a year, but I can’t complain it’s my most valuable possession. I woke up, how can you sleep with all those noises moving around? Just be quiet for a minute please, just stop running. My eyes are tired, but totally awake, I laid my back against the wall, and enjoyed the view. I started my favorite game of the day, I see people crossing by and guess what they are talking about. A mom and her young daughter cross by, my game starts, “ hey mom, jenny has the red dress I’ve been asking you for, when are you buying it for me?” “ Carol, I already told you I’ll have that dress for next week.” I just let out a shy smile, people can make me laugh. Two business men rushed by, “ Robert I told you it was not a good idea selling that damaged product, what the fuck are we going to do now?” “ Calm down Patrick I’ve told you one hundred times that I won’t let them take money away from us.” They really did look like they were in some sort of trouble, and I could only ask myself, “ if I had a lot of money, would I do whatever it takes to keep having it?” That question scared me, because I realized we don’t reslly know ourselves. My stomach was crumbling inside, my money box had one dollar and fifty cents in it, there’s kind people in this world. I approached a little food store some steps away from my spot. As I got one foot inside, I could sense how everyone zipped their pockets and purses. I tried to wash my face with the rain earlier, but I guess it’s not just that. A young man came towards me “ Can I help you?” I was the only one being assisted with help, what an attentive man. He kept on looking at my hands, like if I was about to show him a magic trick or something. “ Yes thank you very much sir, how much is it for that bread over there?” “It’s one dollar, now check if you have the money and please leave, you’re scaring my costumers away.” I hadn’t felt like this for a long time, I bought my bread, and headed out with watery eyes. I had been disrespected before, but sometimes you just break down; and I don’t blame him, because we’ve created a world were we can’t trust anyone no more. I started walking through the crowdy sidewalk, they don’t even hold their head up, they’re such in a rush, like a horse with his blinkers on. Back again, I sat down against the wall opening my bag of bread, that smell, the smell of lunch. I closed my eyes for one second with my head inside the bag, I just didn’t want that feeling to go away, that feeling, a feeling of home. Half of the bread was gone, I saved the other half inside the bag for when I get hungry. That good lunch made me sleepy, I extended my black jacket on the floor, and laid down on it. This sounds again, I don’t blame them, they’ve only been taught to move without stopping, to move with their eyes opened but their pupils closed. As I looked across the street, I saw an old man laying against the wall. His face, that face, I never want to see that again, he was giving up. I crossed the street and went up to him, with a lack of strength, not only from his muscles but from his heart, he pulled his head up and looked at me. Those eyes, those struggling eyes, I wish I could give him mines to replace his. “Here you go buddy,” I extended my arm towards him and placed the half of bread on his hand. He didn’t have to say anything, that smile, it made me feel like the happiest person on earth. “You enjoy that ok?” I started walking down the street, my legs are giving up, my knees are almost touching each other, but if we at least don’t keep on moving, then we’ve failed, we’ve given up. All those faces crossing by, like masks on movement. I feel bad for them, why can’t they just take it off and start living. I stopped, that same store as always. I don’t know what it is, but something, some sort of sense from this store reminds me of my parents. I was really young when I got separated from them, but you never forget, at least I’ve never wanted to. “ Watch it!” “ Oh I’m sorry sir” I kept on walking, this helps me think and clear my mind. I started melting, the heat was penetrating my skin, but it helps me remember that I’m still here, I’m still alive. A family crossed by, two beautiful kids and their parents, it’s sad how grown ups are just thinking on the future.With their phones against their ear, worrying about money when in the end you’re going out of this world naked. But those kids , those two kids made a smile appear on my face, they were laughing while watching the cars drive by, if they could just stay like that. More noise, but this time it didn’t make me want to tear my ears apart, it was the sound of someone trying, of someone that kept on no matter what. I approached that young woman playing the violin, I couldn’t get my ears away, her music was describing her feelings, I could hear her fighting. I checked my pockets, it’s a shame not giving her more, her music almost made me cry. I kept on walking, all those screens on the buildings with people I barely recognize. I guess some people just want their name to be heard, to be talked about, without caring if it’s good or bad, they just want to feel someone. The sun is mad today, I went straight towards the entrance of a big mall, there’s a nice roof that protects you from the sun. Sitting there my eyes can only see people going in and out with money in their pockets and their hands full of bags, like if that was going to make their heart happier, their head clearer. You can’t blame them, at least I can’t, because I’ve never been in their shoes, this could be grieve, or this could be jealousy but still I just don’t get it. What a cute little girl, she approached towards me with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen someone make while looking at my face. I could only think, why do we have to grow up. “ Hi, here are five dollars, I’m so sorry.” My heart melted, I grabbed those five dollars and gave that little girl a smile from ear to ear, she wasn’t scared, she wasn’t disgusted, I just felt alive.Oh there she is, I’ve always loved ice cream, maybe it’s just something that reminds me of my childhood, “ can I have a scoop of chocolate ice cream please?” That face again, why can’t people just look at everyone with the same eyes? “ It’s four dollars” that piercing gaze, like if she wanted me to look away, to surrender at her feet. I handed her my five dollar bill, “ keep the change.” That ice cream made me feel powerful, I didn’t lower my head as I always do. That first tongue lick, it’s just heaven. Why can’t these moments last forever , if we could just choose a period in our life and don’t let it go away. Many will say change is good, that it’s natural, but that’s just because they’ve never experienced what a bad change is, they don’t even know what a change means. They just wake up everyday, at the same time, to go and do the same job, so that they can get that money they crave so much. Then just go and spend it, release some endorphins, go back to normal, and start again. But if we could just stop one second and ask ourselves, but really ask to the deepest part of our soul, “are we really who we want to be?” And it makes me sad because I know , I’m pretty certain that if I go and ask some of the people whom I tend to see all the time going in and out of malls, offices, and restaurants, some of them will make that face, a face of “ I should’ve followed my dreams” “ I should’ve dared to try.” But I get it, we are all animals racing against each other to see who gets first, who gets the best job, the most amount of money, leaving behind what our real dreams were .We’re all running towards the price, towards the “winning” line , when in the end, we’ve just ran towards the end of our lives. Without paying attention to the small things , to the details around us which are the true things that make us who we are, that make us human.My butt feels so cold against the floor, I closed my eyes, “ what would I be doing if I had my house?” I’ve always loved to picture this imaginary scenarios which give me a little bit of hope. It’s always me standing in the middle of a small house, turning to the right side of a hallway towards my own room ,with a bed made of wood and a mattress on top. I lay down on it, and feel how every muscle in my body goes down with the pressure of my tired body. As I opened my eyes I realized I took a long nap, I needed that, sometimes you just have to let your mind fly away. I looked at the dark sky, those beautiful stars, I wish I could just make a wish for every star I see. I stood up and started walking down the street some blocks away from the mall ,were there’s a small bar which realeases a lot of heat and always has the door opened. I sat down near the entrance to warm up my body , the nights can get really cold at this time of the year. Everyone going in with a smile that covers their whole face, and going out showing what they really have inside, “ are we so broken inside that we just have to fade our feelings away? That we have to take drinks and pills to make us feel something for a little while? To make us feel someone?” As I watched through the window, there they were, jumping around like they don’t care. When it’s just pretend. “Here you go my friend, enjoy this , because I did.” That drunk guy, I don’t know if I should’ve helped him cross the road instead of just grabbing the bottle. Vodka, it’s been so long, I don’t remember the last time I had a drink. But it’s true, you can’t just pretend as if it’s not there, we all have to fly away, we all have to escape. That first zip, I can feel how my body starts getting warmer. I keep on getting warmer and warmer, until I just don’t feel anything at all, and I escape away.That light, that fucking light, why can’t we turn off the sun. If we could just feel that same thing without consuming anything, and it makes me think, it really does. Are our lives that miserable that we just want to forget? “ Do you have any spare change sir?” “Fuck off, you stink,” I smelled myself, that smell, that fucking smell, I always hoped I didn’t have to smell that again. “ Hello mam, do you have any spare change?” The face of that old lady transmitted peace, her eyes had something, she searched inside her pocket and let out a twenty dollar bill. “Here you go, don’t spend it on drugs, that’s bad for you okay?” Someone cares, someone really gives a shit about what I do, I just kept staring at her back watching her walk away. This chest pain again, I wonder if it’s of loneliness, or if I’m really getting sicker. I looked down at my hands, white as snow, J hate getting this shivers, I just want to be in control of my body. I sat down, grabbed my blanket and covered my body with it, it’s so big and comfortable, only my toes feel the shivers now. Sometimes I just imagine what would happen if I die, and I’m not sad, because no one knows my name. I wouldn’t make anyone cry. I stared directly at the sky, I know they’re there, I still believe it. They take care of me, they hear my prayers every night, I hope they do. Again those thoughts in my mind, what if I just die, what if I just end this right now.. But there’s something inside of me , something keeping me up, it doesn’t let me fade away. And I wonder why, am I useful? Am I just a piece of waste in this world? I can never stop the feeling that sometimes comes inside of me, that feeling of uselessness. But I’ve always tried to pull myself up. To remind myself that at least I’m here, I can see, hear, touch and sense everything around me, I’m still human. I wish we could all have a roof under our head, but in reality no one cares, and I’m in no place to say I would, because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t either. My stomach doesn’t stop talking to me, I always try to ignore the conversation, but it’s too loud this time. I got up and walked straight to a small coffee shop with a broken sign, this one is perfect, it doesn’t seem as a known coffee shop, they might let me buy something. I placed my first step inside, the shivers running through my body, I start to sweat, there’s people inside. My heart starts pumping faster with the thought that they might throw me away like garbage, I should’ve gotten used to this by now. But I just can’t help thinking that there will be a day, a day were no one stares, no one whispers, and a day were they understand. I’ve never wished a day were they have to walk in my shoes, because that would just be cruel. Here she comes “ hello sir may I help you?” That sweet voice I couldn’t resist letting out a big smile, she really saw me, and not just on the outside. “ Yes, thank you very much, may I have a piece of that cornbread please?” “ Sure, I’ll go get it for you, something else?” “And a coke please” “ Perfect, why don’t you take a seat on one of those tables, I’ll be right back.” I could only think to myself, god bless this girl. I felt I was someone in this world. My stomach really did need that cornbread, I started drinking my coke as slowly as possible. Because walking out of there, stepping outside, means walking on to the real world again.I looked in front of me, that empty chair. I could only imagine what I would feel if that chair had company. Would that really make it better? Make me forget the struggles? Are we that necessary to each other? I pictured a vague image of my dad, sitting with his leg crossed on top of the other one, looking straight through my eyes. “Hey dad, I’m trying, I really am.” He just kept staring with those brown deep eyes, his gaze just made me feel like a lost child who has just been found. I wonder if he can see me, if they can all see me, are they proud? That’s a deep hole I have in my chest, because even though I want to believe they are, just by looking at me, who would be. I looked outside, it’s dark now, time passes so fast when you’re just breathing. I walked outside of the coffee shop, and sat near the entrance. There’s something about this place that makes my heart pump faster, I just don’t want that feeling to go away, at least not now. I touched my face; wrinkles, pores, I can’t help feeling how I’m just disintegrating from this life I’ve managed to crawl through. I took my shirt off, just feeling that cold breeze penetrating my ribs, makes my head stay awake, on movement. Night, I love sleeping and quietness , but I just feel so scared when everything’s off. I feel even lonelier than what I already am, because when I see people walking, at least it reminds me that life has some sort of meaning for someone. I started rubbing my arm with my other hand, it feels so good, it makes my eyes tired, they just want to fall down. Waking up, going back to reality. We are made to wake up everyday and continue with our lives, it’s just too hard. This fucking cough, it must be those cars, every time crossing by me, polluting my lungs. If I could just tear their wheels apart. what a lovely couple, so young, so lightful. I always wonder what it would be having someone by my side, someone standing here with me, leaning on me and I leaning on her. But I’ve always thought that that comes to an end, it always has to stop at some point. That love becomes just conformity. I wonder if my parents were together for love or if it was just a habit. Being just with one person, that must be really hard. We all talk about true love without knowing the actual meaning of love, maybe it’s just the fear of being alone. We’ve created such a dependence on the people around us that being alone could become our worst nightmare. If I could just tell them that it’s not that bad. People come and go, some harm you and others help you, but the greatest reason for interacting with each other is what we teach to those who sorround us. I searched inside my pocket, still some money left from that angel. I grabbed three dollars and walked towards the girl with her violin, I placed them inside of her little box on the ground. This is the best expense I’ve done in a while, I would give her all of what I earn just to keep her playing, it’s unexplainable. It just pumps more blood inside of my body, it just makes me feel like I’m flying, like the only expression I knew was a smile. There will be a day when she no longer plays through these streets, and that day she’ll take with her a big piece of my heart. I kept on walking, my body feels weak, but my head keeps pushing, keeps trying. It’s like if something inside of it was pulling me with a string tied to my body, making me fight and keep on. These streets, these same streets all the time without changing. There’s only new shoes walking, but it’s the same floor. As I crossed through a closed corner, there they were, two guys I had seen earlier, I knew they were planning something. That poor guy being assaulted, I feel bad, I feel unuseful, but I’m just another scared person. I was trying to look from a distance hoping to scare them away. They were not scared, at least not of me. “How can I look so scary for so many people, but so defenseless for others, we’re never satisfied.” I can remember a time when I was younger, way younger, a little kid. And I really wanted a horse toy, I don’t remember really well where I was at the moment, I just remember the feeling of love for that horse. When I finally got it, I felt empty again, because now I wanted another toy, a newer one. That’s a memory I’ve had stuck in my head for a long time now, and it just makes me sad. I kept on walking with a needle through my heart, and feeling the most disgusting human being. While stepping on that crooked sidewalk, the image of that poor man kept on invading my mind. “Would he have done something if I was the one crying for help?” I prefer not to think about it, because there’s a chance that the answer means I’m just as cruel as many of the people stepping on this same floor. I like to walk without stepping on the crooked lines of the sidewalk, it scares me to have bad luck. I can get so bored some times, it just feels like a non stop of nothing, like leaving my head in blank. If someone asks me, one of my greatest fears is reaching a point were I feel so bored that I just evaporate into depression. That’s why I play so many games with myself, because if I didn’t, I would just become a moving body of air. Walking through the street facing down, and guessing if the person crossing by my side is a man or a woman, has always been one of my funnest games. “Girl” I whispered to myself, and then stood my head up, shit it’s a man. I let out a wide smile, I can make myself laugh, I’m just hilarious sometimes.Tricking my mind, it’s just that. It’s just my mind and I, all the time, going up and down the streets, and if I don’t get control over it then I wouldn’t be able to keep on placing one foot afterthe other. While playing my games I get to see all different kinds of expressions on people, and that’s just amazing. As I crossed the street, my eyes catched a man throwing a big wrapper into the green trash can. “ Could it be food?” I started moving my feet faster, my smile could not be hidden. God just knows when I’m about to fall and he lifts me up. I looked inside, there it was, that big sandwich wrapper. I placed my hand inside and grabbed it with joy. That man threw almost half the sandwich, if I could just go and thank him. Life tries to help us everyday, we just have to stand up and take advantage of it. As a little boy crossed by with his mother, a flash back from when I was five years old came rushing through my mind. I was holding my mothers hand thinking how I would start working with my suit on and fill my parents with money. My eyes drowned, they never stopped believing in me. I hate it when my stomach hurts, I don’t know why but it makes me feel alone, like a forgotten soul out there. I sat down near a fast food restaurant, and grabbed my stomach really hard pushing all the pain inside. I’ve had this almost all my life, and it just reminds me that the only person caring about me is myself. I woke up from my nap, the pain went away, and my hope came back. I started walking through the crowded side walk, everyone’s face just turns serious as their eyes catch a glance of my face. But if they knew how much I like to see their smiles, that I would kill just to exchange some words with them. That chest pain again, I wonder what it may be, but I really don’t care anymore, I prefer not knowing and just keep on because I know I’m fine, I’m just fine. I just want to be happy, that’s what I’ve always wanted. I started growing a smile on my face, someone once told me when I was a kid that every time I felt sad I had to pop out a big smile which would send signals to my brain and that would instantly make me happy. It really works. But every step forward still feels like the same step I’ve given all my life, I just feel lost, I feel like a balloon floating higher and higher through the same blue sky, until it disappears. It’s getting really cold out here, the shivers just remind me how broken I am inside, I don’t like to think about it because I’m not even sure that my mind can handle it. I just don’t want to break down, I’m scared to break down. Everyone walking by looking at my face, I always wonder what they think, the emotions that rush through their mind. Pain? Pity? Disgust? Fear? But if they could just feel my soul inside, touch my heart, open my mind. They would look directly to my eyes, and show me their smile. Finally this small park, I used to come here since I was a little kid, and I’ve never stopped visiting it since then. Those blue chairs, so beautiful, this is the best view in the world. It’s just so calmed, I can feel my own breathe, my own breathe of happiness. The trees talk to me, they show me how easy it is to be happy, how we just have to feel the sun penetrating our skin and the wind crashing against our face. This chair, so warm as always, it makes me feel like a baby on a balancing cradle. I just forget everything for a moment, and fly with the warm wind towards the green and vivid mountains. I don’t feel pain, I don’t feel alone, I feel so alive. All those kids running around, with a smile on their face feeling that they’ll live forever. I can’t stop watching the little squirrels climbing up those trees, I love squirrels, they just transmit so much cuteness that I remember how beautiful it is to use my eyes. Those families, they’re all just talking and laughing. This place, this exact place is why I know I can’t give up. Because if I can still feel this inside, this feeling of a kid running around a park, is because I am here, I still have something inside. I lay down on the grass, feeling how the ants run around my hair and the sun goes directly to my eyes. If I could just live like this forever. As I woke up I could see the shinning stars on the sky, they’re always talking to me, sending me signals. All alone in this park, I just like to picture myself surrounded with people who love me, those people they call friends, running around the park, going down the hills, just admiring the stars. There are so many moments in life we wish never ended, those times we would like to freeze, and if I had at least one soul next to me, this would be one. Standing up, feeling the cold breeze hit my face, where’s everyone? Where’s that happiness? This feeling again, I don’t want to be lost, I just want to be the balloon that gets found by that little boy in a small house. As my feet hit the dark grass with every step I make, I can see my shadow evaporating, leaving me all alone in the dark. I bet many of those kids playing today in the park are not going to remember this day, if I could just penetrate it into their minds, store it there, don’t let them forget. Don’t let them forget the small details of living, the happiness of the wind, the sun, the grass, the joy of running around and just being. The street again, the hard concrete against my feet, I can feel it penetrating my shoes and just reminding me that every step I make is just a road of nothing I’m leaving behind. Back to this same road, this same side walk, I started walking through the street, this same spot against my butt. Every day passing by reminding me how it forgot about me, but until I don’t forget about myself, I’ll keep loving me, because that’s everything I’ve got. A star rushing through the sky, this is my time, I can’t waste this wish. “ I wish someone sits next to me.” My eyes closed concentrated on my wish, my mind in blank so I don’t fly away and think of other needs. I know someone will come, I can feel it, I won’t be lost anymore, someone will find me. I opened them against the light, I know it takes a while to come true. Another day, the same me, I always open my eyes thinking I’ve woken up in a different place, being someone’s pair of shoes. A woman crossing by, what a beautiful lady, “ Here you go my friend,” my eyes opened wide, “ thank you very much mam, god bless you,” I opened the bag. Four giant pretzels, what a nice lady, I hope god helps her with every struggle she ever encounters. The first bite, a glorious bite, I should buy this more often. For the first time in a while, I feel part of that crowd walking by, and it breaks my heart because I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. I stood my head up, there, right across the street in a corner, I can’t stop looking at her. Sitting against the wall, her face barely awake, and her body totally a sleep. I can only ask myself what is she thinking, does she know she’s still alive? That’s one of the scariest images I’ve seen, and not because of her teared up face, but because of her soul in agony. She wants to go away, to forget, but she’s just trying to stop the inevitable. The feeling of still being alive. I prefer looking away, because I don’t feel capable of saving her out of that labyrinth. And I can see everyone crossing by, they all stare at her face. They watch the show without realizing they’re walking in real life. If the audience could just stop for one second and see how the actors take their masks off. This feeling inside, I want to keep breathing but at the same time I think I’m just wasting air. I believe in God I really do, or well I always try to but there’s something I just don’t understand. Why are some people born just to occupy space on earth and others born to build it. That’s a question I’ll have to die with, but I don’t care because if I could get an answer to all of my questions, maybe I would’ve disappeared by now. I’m so tired, I’m so tired of just moving around, of just wandering through these same streets begging for money just to buy food and keep on living to do the same. If that’s the main goal in my life then I’d prefer to stop begging, to stop eating. I hate it when all of these thoughts come rushing without permission into my mind. I guess we don’t like thinking about the inevitable, but it’s there, it’s craved inside our minds waiting for an opportunity of weakness to come out and say hi. I started walking, there’s something in every step that helps me calm down, it could be the idea that I’m still walking, or it could be the feeling that I’m running from life, either way I like it. People look at me, they stare with judgement analyzing how I play with my imaginary scenarios. But it’s not like if their real scenarios were much better. I walk miles and miles but somehow end up always standing on the same street. That fear, the fear of getting away to the unknown, I want to escape but I feel my feet glued to one place. It’s always like I’m running in circles, like I’m running from myself. That same brick wall, I sat against it, my heart wants me to keep moving, to keep searching for something, but my brain is just too tired of finding the same answers. I can’t stop asking to myself, if we all know where we’re headed, if we all know we’re going to disappear at some point, then why do we keep pushing, why do we struggle so much. And then all of those smiles walking by, I guess that’s the reason of not giving up, of placing one foot after the other everyday. I feel so tired, but my head just doesn’t want to give up, sometimes we just need a little push to keep rolling, a little push and that’s it. “ Do you have any spare change mam?” “ What’s your name my friend?” My name, I haven’t heard those letters together in a while. “I’m William mam, and what’s your name?” “ I’m Marta , it’s a pleasure to meet you William, I won’t give you money because I don’t know what you’ll spend it on, but wait for me here, I’ll be back in one second.” My name, that’s the only thing popping inside my head, how could I abandon my name for so long, how could I just leave it behind all this time, if it has been the only one standing by my side. There she comes, holding one full grocery bag on each hand , “ Here you go William, I hope you like what I picked” “ thank you so much marta , god bless you and not only for the food, mostly because you reminded me that I’m not alone.” Off she went, if she knew what she just helped me recover, I can’t hide this smile from my face, it’s just popping out. Two full bags, that woman is an angel sent from heaven. This cheese, I haven’t tasted this in a while, my eyes flood, I recognize it. This cheese was my moms favorite, she would make me eat two big bites from it every time she had a chance to get it. If I could just throw it up to the sky for her to catch it, it’s too late now, I just have to swallow my tears. “Each bite goes for you mom,” I know why she loved it so much, this cheese makes the stomach smile. I can’t stop repeating my name, it’s mine, it’s the only thing no one can take away from me. I rest my legs on the ground with my back against the wall, I feel happy, and that’s the best thing you can get from life. That ambulance siren, why does it have to be so fucking loud, as I stand up I can feel how my muscles are relaxed, they’re not tired anymore. One foot after the other, I can’t help coming back to this park, there’s something about this grass, about everything here, it’s unexplainable. It’s getting so dark, I’m scared of that feeling, I guess that’s why I keep coming back here. My body against the grass, it’s like resting on my dad’s jacket, I can close my eyes now, I can fly and dream. The sun warming up my body, my parents are yelling good morning. “ Hello, are you awake? Can you please seat on the other side of the park? You’re scaring my little daughter.” I stood my head up, a tall, blonde woman. My eyes just stared with disappointment, and my feet started moving towards the blue chairs on the other side. It’s all appearance, nothing else. As I sat my butt against the chair, my mind started spinning around, “ will there ever be a place where I feel welcomed?” I hate being an intruder, a monster. I placed my hands together, “ dear mom and dad, thank you for helping me through this rough times, I feel so alone. I don’t want to give up, but it’s hard you know? It’s really hard not having a motive to keep standing up. I just want you to know that I love you very much and I don’t think it’ll be long until I see you again. Amen.” Talking with them is always a relieve, it’s like breathing again. My eyes wide open towards the beautiful sun, the light makes my eyes glow, it makes them come to life. Sitting here , just watching this breathtaking view, I realize how empty I am. I can just imagine myself walking through the same streets, looking through the same windows. And it just scares me, this really makes my heart shiver, because it’s like walking through a never ending path of nothingness. Sometimes I can be very ungrateful, and I feel really bad with myself, because I know there are people who are suffering more than I am. I know there’s people who have to suffer everyday for themselves but also for their most loved ones, and I really don’t know which one is worse. Many times I wonder what would’ve happened if I had had kids, kids of my own. And I try to really imagine it, but the only thing that pops to my head is a feeling of anxiety. Because I know that if I had my kids, I wouldn’t be able to give them everything, and that would really break me in to pieces. That could be one of the reasons I end up coming here, because even from a certain distance, I can see them, I can feel their young enthusiasm, their desire to live. Everyone just stops and looks at me, I wonder if they clean the seat after I’m already gone. They all look at me, they look at me like if I was crazy, or like if something was wrong with me. But what can I do, at least they have someone to talk to, I just have my head. My head thinks too much, I wish I could stop thinking for one minute and just let my brain and heart rest. It’s always on, my mind is always flying somewhere, even if it’s not in reality, it’s somewhere inside my dreams. Standing up, my legs are almost as disoriented as I am. Left, right, it’s all the same because in the end I’m really not getting anywhere, and again one foot after the other. Feeling the cold wind hit my face, it’s like swimming against the current, but without knowing where the current is really going. I’m still tired, and I have slept almost all my life, but I always think that it’s even more tiring to keep on with a life of blank holes than a life full of bumps. And again that same thought as always, I haven’t been able to erase it completely from the center of my mind. “What if I die right now, what if I just disappear, would my heart be happier?” I’m so scared of this thought, because I really don’t know the answer to this question. And I would only have one chance to find out. These streets , they’re driving me crazy. Concrete and more concrete, I just want to destroy it all, make it disappear. That sound, I can’t recognize it, it wasn’t here before. And behind that stop sign, there he is, a pianist. Those fingers have their own life , they move with the rhythm of gods voice. I can’t help staring , I know God’s talking to me, he’s talking to me with every musical note that comes out of that old piano. I can get the music inside of my body it trespasses every corner of every bone, until it fades away through my eyes. If we could just have that same connection with people, with everyone around us. If we could see them and feel them inside, feel what they’re thinking, but I know that’s too much to ask because we can barely look each other in the eyes. Rain, it’s not my best day for a rainy weather. I sat down against a bright yellow wall, maybe like this they’ll finally see me. I just want my mind to fade away, to take a trip wherever it wants to go, and if it gets lost in the way I will never look for it again, just leave it there, floating. Melting. There’s so much to think about, but it’s just hard, it’s hard talking to myself. All these people walking by, I wish I could be one of them and not be stuck here with my thoughts. This thoughts that keep talking to me, but what can I do, they’re my only company. Smiling is free, and that must be the reason why nobody cares about it. They all just show their money while paying with their precious smile. If I could just penetrate their brain and show them how a simple smile can change so many things, how a laugh can improve someone’s day. All those faces looking down at me, looking at me with that pity. It’s funny how they all think I’m broken inside, and I can’t say I’m not, but I know they also are. “Hey man do you mind if I seat here next to you?” What a tall guy, he looks like a lawyer, I guess he works in the offices in front of this building. “ Um yeah yeah, I’ll move near that sign.” “ Come here you don’t have to go anywhere, what’s your name?” “ I’m William sir and you?” “ “I’m George, it’s a pleasure to meet you William. You know what, Im so tired of my fucking work, it’s all day and all night the same shit but I can’t quit man I need it, it’s not something I love it’s just a necessity.” “ Well you can try finding something in your job that brings a light of enthusiasm inside of you, something that makes you want to wake up every morning. It can be something as little as seeing other people at work everyday and just receiving a smile back.” “ William I wish I could help you out man, thank you for those words, sometimes the most needed ones are the ones who understand. Take care man, here you go.” His hand stretching with a fifty dollar bill. “ God bless you, thank you very much, I hope you have a great day at work.” That guy, that lost guy, I would’ve given him that bill back and many more just to spend a little bit more time chatting with him. God bless that guy, he made me remember why we need each other, why God made so many of us. Not for everyone to go their separate way but to communicate with each other, to listen, and not with our ears, but with our hearts. I would pay all the money in the world to have a body sitting right next to me, we don’t have to socialize much, I just want to feel another presence. At least I’ve never been close to many people, and that’s something I’m really thankful for, because if I had been, that would be my only need right now, my only thought. I wonder what people think when they cross by this lonely corner and see me a sleep, is death one of their thoughts? Would they smile? Or just erase that image from their mind and keep on moving. A warm hug, if I could become invisible I would go around giving hugs, feeling that warmth within us. If I could just ask for one, for a strong hug, but I’m just a sack of garbage, do they even know I feel something? That I have a heart pumping inside of me? This cold breeze again, it hits my face like a racing car. Each shiver makes my thoughts turn blue, and it’s hard lighting them up. It’s like going inside a blue, cold hole that never ends, sometimes I just can’t take control of my mind, and that’s my greatest fear. All those different feet dancing around the cold floor, all these movement, it’s my only way out of this hole. My legs shiver harder with every step I make, they cry for help, finding only each other with every yell. This bill, this piece of paper, we all revolve around it. That hamburger stand, it just bursts a bubble of happiness inside my brain, like a memory of happiness. “Hello sir may I help you?” “Yes thank you very much, I’ll have the original hamburger,” his eyes, those blue eyes immediately turn right to catch a glance of my bill, this precious piece of paper. “ Here you go, enjoy!” “ Thank you, have a nice day,” a glorious bite. I can feel the meat penetrating my teeth, it’s so warm and smiley. Each bite takes me to another place, it makes me wear a different costume, one that people can really see. My eyes drown with tears as I keep on walking through this crowded side walk, I wish I could just have a smile appearing on my face, this hamburger tastes like heaven, but J just can’t. I just keep on reminding myself how each bite is just filling my stomach, but not my soul. I guess it’s just tiredness but I can’t handle this feeling anymore, I don’t feel capable of filling my mind with my thoughts and dreams. I can’t keep on fooling myself anymore, this feeling of oblivion, it just makes me want to tear my heart apart and just throw it inside an empty trash can so it never gets found. I don’t understand why I feel so much, and I really don’t like it. My stomach feels so grateful, what a tasty hamburger. What a cute little boy , grabbing his moms hand looking at her like if she was the most precious thing in the world. “Mom why is that man grabbing that juice box from that trash can, that’s gross, he can’t just go buy one or what?” “ Just keep walking don’t look at him, what have I told you, don’t look at them, just pretend they’re not there.” My ears are just bleeding, they’ve been stabbed.I’ve heard so many things before, things that break me in pieces. But this, this words from that woman, I just feel like a piece of trash thrown in the corner of an abandoned house. I know we all have a heart pumping inside, and believe that sometimes it just turns off for a while but it always turns on again. I still have faith. This orange juice, it’s almost full, even if this was not the persons intention, I’m thankful for this. Finally the sun is out again, but we are never satisfied, it’s burning me like hell. There’s something about this warm feeling that makes me feel slow, it makes me feel empty of thoughts. It could be dehydration or I could just be losing my mind, but I don’t feel like a person anymore. I hate this, my mind just forgets it’s roots, I feel like a blur in a vivid picture, I know I’m here but I’m starting to loose sight of my presence. It’s heart breaking how most of the people look at me, but at least they’re looking, at least they make me feel alive. Staring at them, I just love this, it’s like having all the power, having the power to choose who stares at me. I hold my stare, that gorgeous lady, I can imagine the expression on her face when she turns her head to my side. A smile, a beautiful smile, I’m speechless, hypnotized, her smile makes me feel full, it convinces mine to come out and say hello. I can’t stop staring at her back, her hair, that blonde and shiny hair, oh my god she’s perfect. Again to reality, my shadow, if I extend my arm a little bit to the right I can hold hands with another person, even if it’s just my shadow. I haven’t felt like this in years, this feeling of holding someone, of walking with one free arm raised to the side. What a beautiful cat, dark black with grey stripes. I can feel that poor cats anxiety, going in to that trash can, just looking for some wastes to eat. The look on his eyes, that look of despair, I wonder if my eyes look the same way. This boredom, when will it end. I try to make up dreams in my mind, to day dream as much as possible. But it’s hard, it really is, because I can get myself to the greatest happiness and then break it down in to pieces while I fall back to reality. I’ve dreamed about drugs many times in my life, looking at all those people that don’t even know who they are anymore. They’re just faded, living the dream they always wished for inside their head. If I try it, if I give it a chance, I’m worried that it could become my only escape, my only way out of this hole. And I can see it on their faces, they’re crying for help with a smile on their face. We all just see them trying to go out of this world, to dissapear from their minds, and we don’t even look back at them, like they’re already dead. I get them I really do, feeling this emptiness inside, sometimes the only way out seems like heaven. This gossip from the crowded group dressed with suits, I like this sound, there’s a feeling of companion that runs through my body. It’s hard to explain it, but all this voices together, all this voices in the crowd, I feel them whispering at me, making me visible. I can’t help listening to them, and finally, his eyes catch up with mines, “ hey man, get out of the way, you can’t stand here, there’s an event going on.” My eyes woke up, the other street, lonely and quiet, I guess that’s were my feet should be standing. Crossing the road, feeling like a street dog who has just been hit with a stick, I’m awake now. At least he said something to me, I prefer being humiliated than not seen at all. There’s so many times were I feel like an object, like a stop light in the middle of the road. And that’s when I just wish I wasn’t even here anymore, everyone is so focused on the things we can touch that they would die without them. But what if that’s all they had, only those things, that’s when feeling would become the most craved possession. This lonely corner, I can’t hear anything anymore, I’m alone in this world. I can still see them, laughing, touching each other, I can see how they need one another. But they just can’t see me, because if they did, I would at least get a wave from one of those hands. I’m so tired of being alone, of feeling just my presence. This is too hard, I want someone to listen, someone to touch, but that could be even harder than getting the money I need. I’m just a floating shadow, I’m there, but they don’t want to believe it. I guess I just have to stare at them, to listen, and maybe I can feel part of something. How their mouth moves, it’s expressing so many feelings at the same time, getting their hearts out through their mouths and passing it to the others. This rocks against my butt, closing my eyes, the sound of their voice comes to me, it penetrates my ears. And I can’t stop hearing, because it makes me feel alive, it reminds me I have bones and skin. This fucking rain, it scares them like cats, I would just like to cover them and keep them still. The silence, I’m alone with myself, I can have so many conversations inside my head. In the end it’s just me, it’s just my whisper. At least there’s a roof, I don’t mind being wet, but I just don’t feel like getting cold now. I hate this headaches, it feels like my brain is trying to break out. I can just imagine, what if I could go and ask a random person on the street, “ Hi can you get me an aspirin please? My head is hurting really bad.” But who the fuck would care, who would actually stop what they’re doing and go get the fucking aspirin. I just want to feel cared for, I want to feel there’s someone there, it can be just one person, but someone. Staying still makes my headache get worse, maybe I’ve been thinking too much, forcing myself. I start my path, I’ll be a wet cat, it’s not like I care anymore. People crossing by, running with their umbrellas, searching for a dry place to be comfortable. They look at me with that weird face, with a face of confusion, for them I’m just one more crazy man. Sometimes I imagine how funny it would be to really scare them, to make them shout. That way they’d have a reason to make those faces, but I just can’t, that’s not me. There’s a big black hole inside my heart, a hole representing my loneliness, but most of all the indifference from everyone around me. But it’s fine, it really is, because I prefer having this big hole inside than not being able to feel it. I’ve felt depressions I could’ve never imagined, but those feelings are the ones that bring me back to earth. That make me part of the world and make a line between the objects and myself. If I didn’t have this feelings inside, I would just be one object more on this street. And I’m so thankful for that. That poor guy, my eyes catched exactly how he fell down. It’s not correct, but my laughter is unstoppable, laughing, this is the real meaning of life. I really thank that guy, because happiness is the most valuable thing we can have. The day I lose my happiness, that day, I’ll just dissapear. My legs feel so tired, like they had been running all their life. They just want to go away , they want to rest, because moving my legs is just a waste of muscle. I’m never getting anywhere. I would love to know what everyone here has on their mind while they walk, everyone has such a different story. But we all look with those same eyes, with those eyes of indifference. The sun again, I don’t know what’s worse, this bright sun makes me slow, it faints my brain. I feel so warm, the sweat pouring down my forehead. I hate feeling my wet skin, it reminds me of a memory I’ve always wanted to erase, a memory I’ll have stuck for the rest of my life. I was so young, but that’s not an excuse, my dad tried his best every time , I could see him sweating trying to make us happy. But I just didn’t see that, I could see him coming back with sweat pouring down his face, bringing a small bread on his hand. And I would just look at him with a face of dissatisfaction, but his face, that face he would make. I will never forget that, he would grow a big smile on his face with shame, and clean the sweat off his forehead. I wish I could have him in front of me right now and give him one last hug with a smile on my face, because he tried, he tried as hard as he could, but I was blind then. Walking and walking, I know I’m not getting anywhere, but at least it takes that death feeling away. That little girl, I can notice her expression of disgust towards my shoes. I would take them off, I really would, they look so old now. But they’re one of the only things I have left from my parents. They gave them to me as a surprise after I showed them how I could jump up and down the stairs. My dad took them off his feet and placed them on mines, they are the last thing I’ll ever get off. I can feel how the street gets attached to my shoes, they become one. Sometimes I just feel how the floor slides me forward, it makes my feet move. I would love talking to someone for a long time, having a deep conversation. But the ones I can pick from are not standing on earth right now, or well never. I would go and have a conversation with those guys I see all the time getting high, but I know they won’t understand and not because they are not smart but because they already gave up. And that’s it, I don’t have more candidates to choose from because for the others I’m just a walking body, but if they gave me a chance, a chance to express myself, If I could just get out of my chest everything I’ve had buried inside for so many years. I’m sure if someone listened, but really payed attention, that person would take home a pumping heart. And I don’t mind listening, I can hear someone’s story for as long as they want me too, I just want to be someone. Someone, a body walking through these streets, a body that people can see. What a beautiful store, all this different clocks, it’s like if each clock had its own story. That oval shaped black one, it looks like it had been removed from a ship. A ship full of people wanting to step on to hard concrete. “ Don’t worry my people, we’ll find a way out of this sea, we’ll get to the promised land!” A smile grows on my face, I’m a little kid again. That red square shaped clock, it reminds me of one I saw at the entrance of an expensive hotel. “Welcome in beautiful lady, welcome to the mystery hotel, I’ll take your bags up to your room.” I can’t stop imagining a story in my head, a story of this strange hotel where things are not as they seem. Imagination, what would we do without it. I just love imagining things, it’s a way of escaping from this world, at least for a few minutes. My eyes catch the brown circular shaped clock, this clock, I can see myself entering a small warm wood house. It’s so familiar, so welcoming, I can feel how the house gives me a family. I don’t want to wake up from this, a small fire burning in the corner, the smell of roasted marshmallows. I can feel hugs everywhere even though I can’t see anyone by my side. I can remember this image, I guess I might’ve seen it in a movie when I was little kid, or I might’ve just dreamed about it. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow Ali!” I’m back on earth again. If we could choose to stay in the dreams we like the most, if we could just make everything that makes us extremely happy appear in front of us. I feel my body in a rush, wanting to get somewhere, but it might just be anxiety. My left leg always moving, my both hands cracking each others knuckles, the sweat dripping off my hands. I can’t stop turning my neck around making it sound, that sound, like problems shaking off from my head. There’s so many things crossing through my mind, they all rush at the same time, but there’s a traffic sign for each of them, and it doesn’t have the green light. This street is so full of colors, stepping here is like transporting myself to another world, to a happy world. The bright green colors on the sides, the blue colors on the floor, that bright pink glowing on top. I can feel the floor warming up my legs, making them feel free, free of making any decision they want. All those birds flying camouflaged by the pink sky they rush through, their sound makes my ears want to fly with them. It makes them grow and feel the colors going in and out with every chirp they make. I can be free, my body can awaken from its sleep and fly around every corner. I can smell the flowers, all the different flowers growing around me. They move with the sound of the wind, going back and forth like a candle flame. There are so many animals, vivid bright colored animals that I hadn’t seen before. They run through the green grass on the sides, jumping around with a smile on their face. I can feel so much love in the air, love just floating around me, like little hearts racing towards me penetrating every part of my body. I can feel the hugs, the warm hugs all over me. All this emotions running inside my body, going up and down leaving a scent of enthusiasm. I can’t stop moving with the rhythm of the lights, with the sound of nature, like something was bursting inside of me. The grey street again, it’s over, I’m back again, I wish it lasted longer. The sky turning black, the cold feeling inside my body, at least there’s a bench to sit on. The birds turn in to feet, and all those marvelous colors are just more screens on the street. This bench, I can feel the wood going inside my body, the cold wood of loneliness. But at least it’s something to rest on, at least I’m not on the floor again. It feels so good stretching my legs and letting my body rest, letting my bones just float and don’t worry for a moment. The sun comes out to wake me up, feeling that heat all over my body, it’s just like a kiss from my mom. My body wants to stand up, to shake that tiredness away, but my legs are giving up they are giving up on me. They’re not that tired but they know it’ll just be the same path as always, it’ll just be another walk in a circle. One foot after the other, it’s a lonely day, everyone just evaporated. Some shoes walking by, with their mouths as shut as mine, but I can hear them through their eyes. This heat is melting me, it makes me feel slow, like a piece of shirt flying around without stopping. I hadn’t seen a bakery in so long, not like this one. Those two men taking that piece of warm bread out of the oven, it looks so welcoming. I would love to break that window, grab one of those breads and push it in to the oven. Wait for it to become a little darker, then take it out and give it a bite. Those guys, they look friendly, with their white hats on their head and their blue uniforms. Something about their face makes me want to smile, to smell the bread, and just watch them place the next one in to the oven. It’s like watching little wood toys move around after you’ve spinned their back. The smell, it’s killing me, I can picture that whole bread going in to my mouth. I can taste the warm sweet flavor, with the little pieces of chocolate in every bite. I’ll start drooling if my eyes keep staring through the window. The sun penetrating my skin, it feels so good, how it melts away all the ice from my body. My legs feel alive, it’s something about the sun, something that makes them come back to life. Running up and down, feeling my knees bend, I love this. I’m in a race, if I beat them all then I’ll get to make a wish. Running, running, it feels so good. It’s like a wave of happiness just rushing through my body, it hurts, my lungs feel exhausted. But I don’t want to stop , not now it’s bringing me only good thoughts those good thoughts I always end up forgetting. The sweat on my chest, all over my forehead, I’m dripping happiness and sweating all that negativity left inside of my body. Looking in front, over all those buildings, far across the street. Those green mountains, with every step I run , I get closer to them. It’s like running through a large hole while a big paradise gets bigger through my eyes. “ Hey! Watch it!” “ I’m so sorry.” Some people just don’t understand the joy of freeing their body, letting it choose what to do next, they just let their mind control them. My lungs are going to explode, I can feel how they run out of air. That whistling sound from my chest, I’ve always hated this asthma. This whistle, it brings me so many memories, just this sound, it’s like I was there again. My mom would get so worried as soon as she heard my chest, with sweat dripping from her forehead she would find a way to get me honey or sometimes medicine to clear up my chest. But I’m so thankful to god, because I’ve never had a crisis again since I was five years old. And I don’t know what I would do if it came back. This sweat dripping from my cheeks, it’s like drops of tiredness pouring from my heart. This clears my mind, it helps me think, it’s like a blank spot in front of my eyes, nothing else. Sometimes I wish I could stay like this, just a blank standing on the street, not feeling anything at all. My eyes get watery, this again, I don’t want to be fragile, I don’t like to break down, but it’s just hard sometimes. This tears falling on my lap, this shouting tears are the way my body gets it all out, everything inside. My back against the cold brick wall, it makes my lungs get more air, to breathe again. I would love to just run and run through every corner of this place and see everyone around me, observe their every move, feel them running by my side. I don’t remember how it feels having one presence, one only presence always by my side, a presence that understands me. My head can get so lonely sometimes, I try hard I really do, but it’s not easy just conveying my thoughts with my own demons. That’s the reason I escape, I run from my head sometimes, filling it with alcohol, drugs and just letting it become someone else. At least it gives me a chance to communicate with other parts of myself that I’m just starting to meet. That slice of pizza, a crunchy crust with red dots on top, my mouth just drops to the floor. It’s been a while since I smelled that melted cheese. I don’t know why I do this to myself, why can’t I just turn my head to the other side of the window and not harm myself like this. It’s just inevitable, it screams my name. That happy family, all of them biting a piece with a smile on their face. The cheese falling down the boys lips, how he gets it up again with his tongue. His mother chewing the pepperoni that just fell on her plate, life is not always fair. They’re lucky, I guess we all are, just in different ways. If someone asks me, I also consider myself lucky, because I’m still capable of noticing everything around me. Of filling my body with every single thing I see out there. Sometimes I feel my head is not okay, some thoughts that cross through my mind are not normal. I get a constant feeling of chasing freedom, but at the same time I don’t even know what I’m chasing. My shirt, it’s all wrinkly, as if a bus had just ran over it. Walking, it’s better than staring at something I crave so much but can’t have. I like talking to myself sometimes when I walk, but not really loud or else I become a repellent for everyone crossing by my side. It’s a little boring sometimes because I just run out of topics to talk about but there’s always something to say. “ Why is everyone walking so fast, they’ll eventually get to their destination.” Those three young boys staring at me, the smile on their face as wide as ever. I guess they heard my conversation, I wouldn’t mind if they join. “ Hey you crazy man, are you having a deep conversation over there?” They all burst in laughter, I just let out a shy smile, because I always have the hope that they might be laughing with me and not at me. “ What is so funny, you crazy piece of shit,” they were just laughing at me. My feet start to move faster at the speed of the crowd, I want to be strong but me eyes are itchy. Some tears dripping down my cheeks, that’s all I am for the world, just a crazy piece of shit. I ended my conversation, it’s better just to look to the sides trying to make the least eye contact as possible. The sun is so bright, it wants us all to smile, but it doesn’t understand it’s not that easy. I would give everything I have even though it’s not much just to have a smile on my face for the rest of my life. The best gift anyone could ask for is always having something in their head that makes them want to open their mouth and let out a wide smile. When I walk by I wish everyone would catch my sight even though I hide it. Because they would receive the widest smile they’ve ever seen. And someone once told me it’s contagious so I go around distributing smiles along the way. There’s so much in my head, all these thoughts rushing in and out my brain like a stampede of ideas. This feeling of loneliness, I can feel how it invades my body even more everyday, I’m starting to forget that connection, the connection we need from each other. One foot after the other, I wish I was really getting somewhere, but even though I keep on moving, deep inside I know I’m just running in circles. There’s so much I want to say, but so little time left because I’ve wasted most of it. And even though I had all the time in the world, I would just be talking to myself, there’s no one who listens. Everyday I wonder why I came to this world, and why I’m still here. There’s nothing I can do here, I’m just some walking legs that keep running in circles. At least I want to believe that when I go up to the sky I’ll get to be the angel of all these people who wander around lost in the streets with no hope left in their hearts. This sun is starting to make me dizzy, it’s okay for a while but it just sucks everything I have inside. I love watching how all these little kids run towards the candy shop, like it was the best day of their lives, like nothing else mattered. I wish we could stay with some parts of our child mentality, that way we would be happier, I’m sure. They just open their mouth and let wide smiles come out even if they have just seen the simplest thing. There’s so much we can learn from our young selves, there’s so much we should’ve saved for when we grew up. That happiness, the happiness we now search with such hurry, but that we can’t seem to find completely. There’s times when we feel better just shutting our eyes off and sleeping, because waking up would mean the need of a drug to release endorphins. That child inside, the child we have buried in our hearts, is the most important possession we can preserve and not let go.
Vielen Dank für das Lesen!
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