Killed it Follow einer Story

I killed it

Feelings,killed it

Hopes,killed it

You...

Well...

I killed it

everything.

Me,falling into pieces

Behind the mirror

Looking it,silently

You,lost and found at the same time

Happy on the outside

Sinking on the inside

You were just trying to

on your feet stand

I was invisible,hiding myself,terrified

but you didn't know it

that it was you

who I wanted to meet

I wanted to protect you

I wanted to take your hand.

I was being your friend

and then I felt happy

but one day everything changed

and then I found myself alone again

they told me "slut" in a bad way,

just cuz I was a free woman

but hey,

I didn't say anything,cuz it was true

but you,as a friend,

failed me for the first time,

being quiet,with your lips shut.

You didn't say

"hey,she is my friend,

please respect her" no,

you just laughed w/ them

agreeing about that

and when I realized about that,

I felt so hurt

so upset,dissappointed,even mad

you were not for me,

and I felt so blue.

I drowned myself

First Strike.

Month passed,and I decided to forget

A new day came,

and with that a brand-new meeting

A new chance

to have new friends,with no regrets

I tried my best,and

it wasn't at all so bad

I realized that

it wasn't my problem at all

but someone else,

cuz those people were mad

I felt happy again

Even with problems,

I didn't have any complain

but I didn't realize that you

my dear friend,had a problem

and your life and energies

were turning grey, plain.

I wanted to hold your hand again

but I couldn't

your new girlfriend was

loving you enough,

sometimes too much

"Depression"was her name,

and at night

both of you made a

too intimate touch

so,I closed my lips,I saved my breath,

and I thought

"He is really busy,so I shouldn't"

and walked away,

watching you from a safe distance,

still-of you-terrified

You didn't understand why

On the outside,I was happy,free,

A kind of carpe-diem girl,

always with a smile

I was getting over

w/one of your friends

trying to be a self-centered girl,

not the "slut" that they thought

that I was used to be in the past

but you told me that

I couldn't treat him like that,

for you that meant that I was vile

cuz I wasn't able to forget

and forgive him fast

We drowned ourselves,

together,for the first time

We fell apart

Second Strike.

Years passed

and we still were go and came back

sometimes you disappeared

sometimes I did it

but at the end

we ended together again

holding each other's back

Was then when I realized

that something inside of me

was subtle,progressively ignited

when I saw your eyes,

those darks pupils

I felt something mysterious

and I thought "it's amazing,isn't he?"

I didn't understand it

and I told myself

"What's going on with me??!!"

I failed myself

did you see?

I couldn't even keep

myself from the distance

I tried,I certainly tried

to stay away from you

you deserved to be happy,

surrounded by a lot of friends

I didn't want to bother you

I thought that without me

your life was better

that nothing else

but yourself matters

but I didn't figure out that

I made a mistake

I disappeared from you

just for your own sake

But then,you came back to me

one more time

and I saw it

through those beautiful,dark eyes

that it doesn't matter

how many friends you have

how many time you spent them

at those party nights

you were lonely on the inside

at the end

and I just wanted to hold you too

I just wanted to help you,

to hug you,to cuddle with you

Ah,my dear J!

those words were in my throat stuck

words filled with fear,

my fear,your fear

words silent,afraid,

insecure,painful as fuck

you've always saying

"I'm suffering alone,

nobody loves me"

Well,I was suffering too,

cause that is not

what I wanted-everyday-to hear

You were blind

you didn't realized

that everytime you said that

I was-secretly- telling you

"Hey,look at me!"

silly boy,you weren't able to see

that I had a crush on you

that I didn't want to fix you

cuz I saw you,I loved you

just like you were,

just like you used to be.

We're drowning again

Third strike.

Stop.

Stop this time

No more strikes

we're just tired enough of this show

I want to tell you a lot of things

things that you need to know

but i'm just confused,

afraid of this cloudy day

and this means that now I'm lost

and i'm not able to do it

I don't know how

I don't want to fight anymore

I just want to solve things

to talk each other,

not like two children

but like grown-up adults

to be fine again

to keep knowing each other more

I know that you're confused too

that you doesn't understand

if there is something wrong

I used to see you

as a cute little brother of mine

now I see you

struggling with yourself

Trying to be mature

you can't help

being childish sometimes

but please,don't be selfish

with your real friends

I just want you to be fine

I rejected it,your offer

not because I felt nothing

but because I felt anything all at once

and a "free" adventure between us

it was not what I felt right at heart

this is not about

being "Conservative" nor "Saint"

but being down-to-earth

maybe you'll later understand

that a true friendship,

a real bond between us

it's more important

than one-night stand

what really matters is being able

to help each other,

to take each other's hand

Please,stop this useless fight

let's make things right

for our own friendship's sake

Please,no more Strikes.

Alexandra Ferreira(2019)