1st of November 2021,
I realized that I am toxic. Just like a drug attic, it happened throughout time. I absorbed my surrounding’s traits and only grew from it, and I need to stop (obviously). I must start by not only leaving my current toxic relationship, but by ignoring every toxic boy. Every man. I need to handle me first, and trust me, I am plenty more than enough. I accept the fact that my ex needed less. I am too much. Although I did wrong, I can, and I am always willing to comprehend and work out situations. He chooses to leave it all up to me, and I won’t do that if I am still getting treated like shit. I am THAT bitch. And I forget that. My father was an amazing father, but now that I have grown, I realize that he was not an honest man when it came to women. He was a cheater, a liar, and a pimp. I realize that daddy issues really do exist, and that is my toxic trait. Toxic men.
2nd of November 2021
She is back. She is alive and full of hope. I am slowly but surely waking up. If there was ever a time for me to not care and toughen the fuck up, it is NOW. It starts today, and I am only moving forward from it. My relationships with men have been so toxic, but as much as I hate to say this, “Thank You guy, my love, my past.”
Although we have an ugly ending, our beginning will always be a beautiful memory. Memories full of hope, future, love, and family. Memories so deep that my mind can pick up the aroma in any room and replay it in my mind, repeatedly. Scenarios so beautiful, it has me wondering why and where we went wrong. So beautiful that I always get brought back into tears because I know that no matter how much we try, we will never go back to “us”. For me, the love was always there. And not to sound cliché, but there is still a part of me that will love my ex. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and theirs this feeling that stabs my gut every single time. I feel as if my soul despites my reflection or my smile. My soul does not accept me having a fake and useless smile. She can no longer tolerate it. NO MORE!
17th of November 2021
I thought I was strong enough to overcome him, but I’ve relapsed. Today is the day that I cared enough to message him. Why did I do it? Was it the alcohol in my system? Did I not smoke enough to numb the pain? Was I really attached? Of course, I was. Almost 5 years with this guy, and our dog managed to develop our characteristics, which I find hilarious. Hilarious, but depressing.
January 30th, 2022
Well, hello world. Life. Opportunity. Just when I thought my circle has stopped and ended at “negative square root”, the circled spined and I landed on top again. I finally moved out and found an amazing roommate. Me and my bf’s relationship improved. I guess I just needed to set boundaries and limits. Also, I had to put me first and remind myself that I am worthy, the women I am today will not go back. I can only hope that this is the last time I am writing to you, Jane.
Vielen Dank für das Lesen!
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