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Where do I start to write this down it's very hard to put pen to paper and to find the right way to write all this down but instead am using my phone to write this because its easier to do that so here goes,

When I was 6/7 my step dad came into my room and woke me up to bring me into his and mum's room but my mum wasn't there she was away to Dublin with my little sister,so when we got in there he lay down on the bed and the room was dark as the lights were off and ask me suck his penis but with me being young I didn't realise what I was doing so he put his hand on my head and started to move my head up and down and while that was happening I most of black out because I can't remember anything after that and when my mum got back I told her what had happened but she couldn't understand what I was saying until years later she realised.And we thought he was dead do we couldn't do anything about it until now When my sister told me that there has been more reports him that he has done more to his own kids as well I knew that I wasn't the only one he has done it too I knew when I younger he had done something to one off his daughters and now I heard he has done it more to more of his daughters that's why I open up about it to police,most of my close friends already knows what happen to me I couldn't hold it anymore and having it hidden in my head so I got it out in the open to in which I had to report it.i can't remember what age I was when I got the German measles in where it affected my brain so I ended up with learning difficulties and my hearing.

When I 8 years old I made my first Holy communion my mum told me not to walk near the wall as a man was painting it but i didn't listen and walk right past it and got some paint in my dress but that's all I can remember about that day,that should have been one of the best days off life in were I should have remember but I can't just that bit about the paint can't remember if we were anywhere else that.
And then years later I was about 9 years old it happening again but by someone else there was me and my two friends he put his hands down my underwear but he never got caught.
Then at the age of 12 I made my confirmation all i can remember about that day was I was so nervous about it my legs were shaking like mad but i can't remember anything else if I had a party or what afterwards.
And again when I was 11/12 years old another man rape me he made me have sex with him when I was in his house and nothing happen to him and he told everyone that I was lying and that he never done anything like that he even got his boss to lie about where he was,he was a coalman,he got away with it as well.at the age of 13 met a boy at the same age me we dated for about a year and it was the best relationship we just ended up not dating anymore we went our own way and after that I just ended meeting low life's and my really went down hill from that,
I met a boy when i was 14 years old and he was 16 at the start of the relationship was good until he started saying I was no good and started to hit me and telling me no-one will have me because I'm no good and always putting me down and when I was going to school he would ring up my school to see if I was there to make sure I wasn't lying to him he was really controlling and tell me what I can and can not do and who I can talk to or see so that ended really badly.i did try and take my own life at the age 15 took a load of pills but my mum caught me in time and rang for ambulance so she got me there in time before they work and then a few months later I drank lots of alcohol I just didn't want to be here at that before i had kids
I ended up pregnant at the age off 16 and it was a one night stand and I lift school before it was my time to leave school had her a girl just before I turn 17 and had to give her up when she turn 1 because her illness got to much for me and i couldn't look after her.

At the age of 19 met a man who was older then me the relationship was good for a few months until he started to hit and call me names all the time and he would drink all the time everyday he knew that I was getting money as well so he would spend all that so I couldn't have any,that last about another 6 months until I couldn't take more of it as he near lift me for dead and lift me with a scar on my nose I had to 9 stitches 6 on the inside and 3 on the outside and my nose is broken as well he has scared me for the rest my life that I have to look at everyday from that.

So a few years later met someone again it was good at the start fell pregnant on my second child after I had her the relationship just went down hill he would hit me and call me names he was also a drinker as well everyday he would drink and one night he was cooking and lift the chip pan on on the cooker and near set the house fire with me and my daughter in there,the bad relationship went on for 3 years I thought because I had a child with him I had to put up with it until I realised she doesn't need to see that and that's not how it's meant to be so I lift him even tho I lift him he still is at it after 16 years him and his girlfriend would get the police to come my house saying things that I would get a gun kill them his own daughter doesn't want to know him and he would get her lifted.so I most attract them in where I have shown I'm weak and let them walk over me in which at the time I did,
I was also a Foster parent to my nephew for a good few years to keep him in the family I was glad that I done that because he is now back with his mum.Had to do a few interviews first before I could the fostering the social worker turn around to me and said with me bring abuse I would carrying on abusing others I told her I don't even wash my 5 year old I let her do it and I will wash her hair and back but I wouldn't wash her private parts I was scare to just incase she would say that I have done something on her and I have done that to my two other kids as well once they hit the age of 5 years old,it has affected me real bad in that why I know I shouldn't let it affect me but it has.
In 2008 I met someone else in which I don't no he interfere with kids until the social workers told me so I lift when I found out him,so it goes to show you I did show I weak and attract them all
I met someone in 2010 and we have now two kids together one girl who was born in 2011 who I share my birthday she is the best birthday present ever and then a boy in 2012 he is the only boy but acts like a girl sometimes.

Then in 2017 after 30 odd years of looking I found my dad in which i haven't seen him from I was 16 months old and now we have a really good relationship,when we first talk it was like we have been talking to each other for years,there was no crying just all laughter,am glad that I never gave up looking for him and that I have him in my life now.

On the 28th February 2021 I got a phone from my sister to tell me our mum might make it through the night so I went to my mums house to spend her last few hours with her but she did make it through night so from Monday to Friday she wanted to say her last goodbyes to everyone and on the Tuesday night me,my mum and our friend had a laugh I never heard my mum laughed so much that night in years didn't even cough as she has copd it was like she was a new person that night so the next few days so got her goodbyes in and then on the Friday she went down hill again me and my sister spend the weekend with her and watch her slowing dying on Saturday she was so out of it and didn't know want she was doing trying to get out of bed and I told I'm going to ly down beside her to watch her she grab me with her right arm to turn round to give me one last hug that last hug meant so much to me because it was a mums hug that I will never get again.
Then on March 7th 2021 at 06:50 I watch my mum take her last breath while in my arms and that has hurt me so much because she isn't here to help me in what I'm doing about my step dad,u think she would be glad that I have it out in the open now.

I have learnt not to give up and don't let anything get you down or let anyone put you down my life has been really hard and still hard as I open up about the first rape to police in May 2021 because I can't get it out of my head and I needed to open up about it and it help me alot to say after 33 years of being in my head.I'm just waiting to hear from the police because i just couldn't hide it no more it was taking over my life big time,And to see if he going to be charged with what he has done to me when I was 6/7 it has been a very long journey for me but I'm getting there and taking it day by day,it has made i feel like my self wasn't worth it,And sometimes I don't like myself and my body with all that has went on in my life,it's not the way to live life it's not nice
Now what has happen to me has made me stronger and a better person never went near drugs or drank every night,I try my best to keep going but it's really hard to with everything that has happened,My kids ask me mum how was your childhood it's kills me because I have to lie to them as they are to young to understand but my two older children no what happen to me.
There are times in where I would to forget but I can't because it there's 24/7 in the back of head,I wish sometimes that I wasn't here but then I think off my kids if I took my own life what would they think and then I think it's not fair on them if I did that so that's why they are my rock my soul to keep living.
My younger sister only found out that I can't even remember her childhood it hurts me so much to tell her we cried as I was telling her,it's not fair when all this is happening and that I can't remember everything about her childhood and mine,
Even now there is times that I still keep putting good at the off my mind and keeping the bad there I don't no how to stop it,it has taken over my whole life and I went my life back in were I can remember everything that is good and put the bad behind me and get on with it.

I have put I life on hold for my kids there is so much I would to do but I can't at the min first of all it was my 19 year old daughter who wasn't good in school I had to go up there near every day of the week for 3 years of her schooling,my 10 year old has so many appointments for her A.D.H.D and with her legs as she walks sometimes on her toes and she also has moderate learning difficulties and there's times she doesn't sleep so I might I only get few hours and still get on with it doing what I do around the house with my eyes hanging out off me,and my son is getting check for A.D.H.D as well so with me at age of 40 i don't know if I could do anything now with the age I am now but people say life begins at 40 but my life is still on hold for them,I do the same thing every day it gets like a routine in life and plus I have learning difficulties myself and most places don't take on anyone with that and i don't have my gcse,I think the reason I don't or can't is because I keep putting myself down saying to myself your no good,but at the end of the day I am good as I have good qualities in cooking and baking but don't show them off only to family and friends not to anyone else.

I have also been mugged a few times in where they took my money it took my a good to go out by myself but until this day am still scared incase it happens again,I don't like going out at night by myself but I do my best to do it.

So from all that happen to me I can't remember my childhood I block the good and kept the bad there I do try and remember if there was any good that would pop up there isn't.
With everything that has happen to me it hasn't made me WEAK it has make me really STRONG.
So only for my kids I wouldn't be here today to tell this story they are my rock my world

My kids ask me every day what my childhood was like I have to lie to them saying my childhood was good and made stuff up for them to make them think their mummy had a wonderful childhood that a child could imagine how it should be without any hurt,I haven't told my two younger kids what happened to me as they are to young to understand but my two older daughters know what happen to me it kill me telling them what happened they even through I had a good childhood until they learned I hadn't.

I have told people stuff that has happen to me but not all the details about it and they say how do you cope I tell them I just get on with it that's how i cope the world doesn't stop for anything if it's does I would stop and then I start to over think would life be better without me in it.

There is times I always think is it my fault that I have let all this happen to me and that I could have stop it,i sometimes blame myself at the end of the day its not my fault its theirs,they don't know how it's hurts that they have hurt me and it doesn't go away.


24. November 2021 17:04 0 Bericht Einbetten Follow einer Story
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