When I was 16 years old, I killed a soul. I was stuck between chopping her into tiny bits and burying her alive; my weariness and wrath decided that I should squeeze the breath out of her till she was no more and so, I killed her!
It was in January 2019 when the irritating sound of the alarm bid me a good morning. The morning was still red and I was not looking forward to that day despite the fact that it was my first day of my grade eleven academic year. Lerthagy, sorrows and heartbreaks: I was the embodiment of all these. I was tired! Everything had made me feel tired and drained... everything!
I lazily prepared for school and dragged my feet while at that...
When I got to school, everyone looked jubilant- it seemed as though the sun was was shining upon everyone but myself for everyone was wearing a radiant smile and I was not. Perhaps I had the happiness withing me, perhaps the sun was shining upon me but, its warmth escaped because I was a house without a roof. I was incomplete! The paucity of my happiness sentenced me to isolation and the dense and thunderous cloud that I was carrying repelled me from the rest of the happy souls I had seen at school on that day.
The cliched sound of the school bell rang and we were all scattered around the school grounds before uniformly making our way to our respective classes. Seeing how happy everyone was, I decided to inhabit my sadness where no one would see it. I would fold my adversities when I was around people and unfold them again when no one was watching, that was my daily route.
Depression is real, and so is laziness. Their antagonism towards productivity is the monomer for laziness and inefficiency. I tried eradicating and burying my anxiety but, in the end, I am the one who ended up dead. I killed myself with my silence.
The delicacy of my heart was overpowered by how strong it would be when it had to inhabit other people's sorrows. My heart would be strong and spacious enough. I could effortlessly help other people but, I could not help myself.
It was very difficult for me to resurrect myself because I had died a painful and silent death...
No one knew that I was a dead man walking until it because apparent through my academic results, my sudden eating disorders and constantly crying. Even upon their knowledge of how depressed I was, how my past experiences had left a huge and unbearable scar on me, they could not help me. My family and friends, they all could not help me, they did not. It was then that I realised that no one is obliged to rescue me from my adversities, it is my responsibility to help myself.
I became demotivated. Everytime I had to study, I would suddenly become tired and close my eyes. I lost my muse. The dreams I had instilled in me from a tender age witnessed my death and got supplanted by thoughts of self-doubt. Loneliness and rejection overwhelmed me so much that I felt like an abstract human being. I would build castles in the air-about my future and the steps I would take towards achieving my goals but, I did not have the enthusiasm to implement any of them. My life came to a standstill...
It was in August, during that same year, when one of my teachers introduced to us a National Tourism Competition. That competition brought my drive back, it gave me the courage to uplift myself and acknowledge that stumbles fuel us, they drive us to become stronger. In addition to that, that competition gave me the platform to express myself and heal from my past traumatic experiences.
With the help of my former schoolmates and school staff, I worked on that competition tirelessly. Consequently, we were privelleged enough to be taken to am incentive holiday in the North West Province.I saw myself harvesting the fruits of my hard work. For me, being awarded for being earnest, diligent and hardworking propels me to work even harder,hence,from that moment onwards, I kept the ball rolling.
Departing for North West assisted me recognise and appreciate my talents. It took one trip, only one trip, to make me see how intelligent and confident I am. Had it not been for that competition, I would have been in my shallow shell, still trying to figure out how and when I will ever be liberated from self-doubt and sadness.
When I got back to school, I kept the same energy going, I performed to the best of my ability. In my matric year, I became a petal. I was a flower ready to blossom and show the world what I possess, I was standing firmly and rigidly, with my feet deeply rooted to the ground. At that point, there was no turning back. Nothing and no one could suppress me anymore for I had unleashed the beast in me!
Few months down the line, I was elected to be one of my School's prefects, I got back in the game and obtained good marks accompanied by academic awards and I even bagged myself enrolment at a number of Medical universities in Italy.
After long nights of sleeping on a wet pillow and constantly convincing myslef that I am inadequate,my life changed for the better. But, what was the main reason behind this transition?
More often than not, we expect people to hold our hands through tribulations, forgetting that NO ONE IS OBLIGED TO SUPPORT US.
Yes, I did have support from a handful of friends,even those who did not know that I was going through a rough ordeal but, It was my mandate to ensure that all goes well for me. All it took was some motivation and self-uplifment, FROM MYSELF. It was, and still is, my mandate to build a strong roof for my house so that the warmth of the sun shining upon me does not escape.
The people you so strongly depend on might one day leave you but, all that does not matter when you have yourself, when you believe in yourself.
Take responsibility for your future, become responsible, invest in yourself. Reposition yourself and make new decision that will better your mental health and ensure hour prosperity. Do not allow past setbacks and experiences to bring your life to a standstill, kick them aside and keep on running hour race. Refuse to give up. Everytime you think of throwing in the towel, REFUSE TO DO SO! Choose success, prosperity.
Do not wait for Success to come to you,walk,run or crawl towards her. It doesn't matter how long it takes you to get there. Train yourself, train your mind to always see the good in you. Shower yourself with love before expecting to be loved by others. Support yourself and accept that there will be downfalls the way. As long as you have yourself, you will overcome any obstacles.
Most importantly, do not enforce happiness upon yourself. Give yourself the opportunity to heal and grieve, for as long as you want to. Be as emotional as you want to be,keeping in mind that you eventually have to wipe your tears and keep moving.
Vielen Dank für das Lesen!